After a deep breath and a quick glance at my eyes before looking away again, Matt continued. “Is that how you got it? The HIV?”
“Yes,” I answered, simply and honestly. “Corey was my first, but he was older than me and quite the player before we met. I was okay with that. We’d talked about it and he was sure he’d always been careful. Don’t you see? The risk of transmission…it’s too big. That’s why I pushed you away. When Corey was diagnosed, I got tested. The look in his eyes when my result came back positive, the guilt, the pain… He died feeling like he’d ended my life. I can’t risk feeling that way.”
I shook my head, my cheeks damp from the tears I didn’t feel fall. “What if I do that to you? I couldn’t live with myself.”
“There are precautions we can take,” Matt insisted, his tone bouncy and hopeful. He pulled out of my grasp so he could take both of my hands in his. Squeezing them firmly, he pressed them into his lap. “I’ve been reading up on it.”
He was breaking me and every fiber of my being told me to pull away. But I couldn’t. I was frozen. A slave to his touch. It felt like his hands were supplying my oxygen and if I let go I would crumble and die right there on the spot. “Matt…”
“Alex, don’t think this doesn’t terrify me. Not just the HIV but this whole fucking thing. Your illness scares me. You scare me. All these fucking feelings scare me! But what scares me the most is the thought of my life feeling as empty as it has these last few weeks.”
Yanking my hands free from his hold, I stood up and padded to the other side of the room. I knew about the precautions. I’d had the counseling. I even knew that statistically, given my viral load being undetectable on my last three blood tests, my risk of transmitting was low. I also knew, however, that it could increase at any time and no matter the results, no matter how careful we were or what drugs Matt took, I would always pose a risk to him.
The couch creaked as Matt stood up, his footsteps gaining on me. I turned to face him and wanted to cry at the emotion contorting his face. “I don’t know how or why I feel like I do,” he said, his voice strained. “I’m confused about everything…except the fact that I want you. I need you, Alex. I need you to believe in me. To trust me. I need you to give me a chance to prove to you that I’m serious about this. About us. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, that I won’t get freaked out and turn into a monster jackass sometimes. But I want to try, and fuck I need you to want it too.”
I didn’t notice it happening but suddenly Matt’s face was almost touching mine. The muscles in my arm twitched, fighting against the urge to push him away. A familiar voice in my head screamed at me to leave, but in that moment, my heart was louder. My fingers snuck beneath the canopy of his mousey-brown hair, finding their way to his neck. I cupped his face, resting my forehead against his as I inhaled his scent. The heat of his soft skin seared my fingertips as I ironed along his broad shoulders and down his back. My lips trembled, still trying to find the strength to utter a protest, but when Matt’s mouth sought mine, I knew in my heart I had made my decision. Dipping my tongue between his lips, there was no going back from this. I didn’t have the will or the energy to resist him any longer.
As his breath entered my mouth, it surged through my body, reigniting the passion for life that had been slowly slipping away. In that moment we were one person. He was part of me, and that was when I realized that he had been for a long time. Without him, I’d no longer exist.
“Matt,” I panted, breaking the kiss and willing my feet to take a step back.
He sighed, dropping his head before tearing his fingers through his hair. “Don’t do this again. Please.”
Cupping his cheeks and tilting his head until his eyes met mine, I smiled. “I’m not. I just need a minute,” I assured. “This is a lot to take in.”
“Yeah,” he agreed with a short chuckle. “Tell me about it. I should probably let this giant boner settle anyway.” Reaching into his pants, Matt adjusted himself. That right there, that candid honesty, was what drew me to him in the first place. He had no filter, a rarity in this new age of political correctness, and it was difficult not to love that about him.