Since he would never be ready, I just needed to go for it.
But I didn’t have high expectations.
I walked inside and headed straight to his desk.
As if he knew this would be a long conversation, he closed the top of his laptop and gave me his undivided attention.
I faltered because I’d forgotten how beautiful his eyes were, how strong his shoulders looked, how kind and loving he was. A wind of loss swept through me, and I missed him more than ever. Everything I planned to say went out the window. “I’m sorry about everything. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to be insensitive. I never meant for you to think you aren’t enough…because that’s not how I feel.” All my anger disappeared because I didn’t have the headspace to be mad. I was in survival mode, fighting for the best thing that had ever happened to me. And I needed to grovel, beg, do whatever was necessary to get him back. “I love you…so much.” I sucked in a breath, steadying the emotion that started in my throat. “I just… I’m sorry.”
He held my gaze, his eyes slowly softening, their edge fading.
“I would have said something sooner, but it seemed like you needed space.”
“I did.”
“Do you…still need space?” I couldn’t suffer this anymore. I couldn’t be apart from this man. I wanted to pack up my shit and move in to his place tonight, to forget this horrific week.
He dropped his chin and broke the contact between our eyes. “I know your heart, Daisy. I know you’re a woman who doesn’t take no for an answer. When someone says you can’t do something, you do it just because they said you couldn’t. I know you were just trying to help me. And I also understand you have no understanding of my perspective in this, no understanding of the trauma, because it’s something you have to experience yourself to understand how it feels. I can’t even begin to describe how horrific it was.” He shook his head slightly, swallowing. “I forgive you for all of that. But—”
“Please don’t say but.” My eyes watered.
He wouldn’t look at me. “I need to be with someone who fully accepts my situation—”
“I do.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t have even bothered with all of this—”
“Like I said, I find solutions to problems. How much better would you feel if I found the solution—”
“Daisy.” He turned to me, giving me a hard gaze.
I shut my mouth.
“I’ve made my peace with my life. I don’t need a solution. I don’t need an answer. I’m perfectly happy to adopt. I would much rather adopt than put myself through all that. So, I need a woman who understands this, who respects how I feel.”
“I do respect you.”
He shook his head again. “You wanted a solution because it would allow you to have children biologically.”
“And there’s something wrong with that?”
“No.” He turned his gaze back to me. “But you should be with someone who can give that to you. And I deserve someone who is happy to adopt.”
“I am happy to adopt, Atlas. You’re misunderstanding this entire situation. Yes, I want to find a solution so you can have biological children. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a boy with your eyes and good heart, and I want a daughter who has my mom’s eyes like I do. But if that can’t happen and we adopt, that works too. Because whatever that future looks like, if it’s with you, I’m happy. Naturally conceived kids, adopted kids, sperm donor kids…doesn’t fucking matter. I want whatever happens. I’ll be happy with whatever we have. I will go through this journey with you wherever it leads.”
He kept his eyes down, on his desk, his hand propped against his jawline. “I can’t do that…”
“Atlas—”
“I won’t go through that again.”
“I’m not going to leave you—”
“When you’re in a different place in your life, you will feel differently. You’ll be a woman without a child, and when you fantasize about what features your child will inherit from you and your spouse…you’ll feel differently. I need to be with a woman who accepts adoption as the first and only choice. And that’s not you.”
“Atlas…” The tears broke through the dam and streaked down my cheeks.
He kept his gaze averted because he couldn’t bear it. “As much as I love you…I need to be with someone else.”
I blinked, and that’s when more tears fell.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It is what it is.”
I was silenced, not by his dismissal, but my own heartbreak.
He was quiet, giving me a chance to say my final words or walk out.
“I don’t think I can do this…” I wiped my tears away and rolled them on the tips of my fingertips. “I don’t think I can work in this office with you every day.”