I want to deflect the question, but I promised him I’d try not to let fear get the better of me anymore.
I take a breath and force myself to say what I’m thinking. “The christening and being around my cousins who are only a little older than I am, but already have grown kids… It got me to thinking.”
“About?” His gaze returns to the road as we move out of my parents’ subdivision.
“About what I want for the future,” I say, the fact that his focus is elsewhere making it easier to get the words out. “I’m having so much fun with you, and I care about you, but…I want to have kids someday. And probably someday not too far from this day, if you get what I’m saying.”
He nods but doesn’t say a word as he takes the turn that will eventually deposit us near downtown Bliss River.
“I mean, I’m going to be thirty in a few days,” I push on, his silence making me nervous. “I’m already past my peak fertility. And don’t say that I’m not because I know that I am. People are having babies later these days, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy for them. And after the trouble Naomi had, I don’t know how hard it will be for me to get pregnant or stay pregnant.”
He nods again, but still doesn’t respond, sending my anxiety level ratcheting up another notch.
“I mean, I don’t know for sure that fertility problems run in our family, but they could,” I babble on. “And I don’t have the funds to adopt a baby the way Naomi has. And yes, she’d loan me the money or just give me the money if I asked her for it, but I don’t want her money. And I really do want to at least try to have a baby of my own. Because I’ve been wanting to have a baby since I was twenty-four and that biological clock thing is pretty intense.” I gulp air. “And if you don’t say something soon, I’m going to assume that you never want children, or maybe just never want to imagine having children with me, and I’m going to jump out of the car at the next intersection and walk home.”
“You should stay in the car,” he says, his lips twitching. “We’re only a few blocks from the bakery, and then I’ll be able to park and give this question the attention it deserves. I’d rather look at you, not the road, while discussing something like this. Okay?”
“Oh, oh okay,” I stammer, twining my purse strap around and around one finger as he drives, every second that passes making me more uneasy.
Why does he want to look at me while we talk?
That has to mean bad news, right?
Maybe I was wrong about how serious things are getting between us. Maybe I misjudged the way he looked at me at the christening, with that light in his eyes that made me think he was thinking about what our babies would look like, too.
By the time he finally pulls to a stop in front of Icing, my jaw is clenched, and the back of my tongue is cramped with anxiety.
“Just lay it on me. Fast,” I say, turning to him as soon as he cuts off the engine. “I can’t stand the suspense.”
“Okay.” He shifts in his seat and pulls in a breath. “Well, I figure it will be at least a month before we can start trying, right?”
I blink. Then I realize what he’s up to and frown. “I’m serious, Jamison. I know it’s early to be talking about something like this, but I need to know whether you want to have kids someday. I mean, not necessarily with me, but with whoever you—”
“Tough,” he breaks in. “Because I don’t want to have kids with anyone but you. And I wasn’t joking. If you’re ready to start trying, I say we do it. But you have to be off the pill for at least a month before you can get pregnant, isn’t that right? Or is it longer?”
My mouth opens, then closes, then opens again, but I can’t, for the life of me think of what to say.
He can’t be for real right now…can he?
“You’re serious?” I ask after a beat.
He nods.
“This is a child, Jamison,” I say, doing my best to get through to him. “It’s not a casual commitment. It’s forever, whether you and I decide we’re sick of each other or not.”
He grins like I’m the one being ridiculous. “Yeah, I know, Maddie. I’m in love with you, dork. Don’t you get that by now? Like…real love, the kind that makes you want to make promises and babies and all that stuff.”
I swallow hard, still not quite able to believe this is real.