I dont blame her. I wouldnt be able to look at me, either. In fact, if I were her, Id be punching me right now.
She heads to the kitchen counter, and she drops Ridges laptop onto it without delicacy. Then she heads straight to Ridges room. I hear her rummaging through stuff, and she eventually comes out with a bag in one hand and her car keys in the other. Im still standing motionless with my hands on the door. She continues to keep her eyes focused on the floor as she passes me again, but this time, she makes a quick movement with her hand and wipes away a tear.
She walks out the door, down the stairs, and straight to her car, never speaking a word.
I wanted her to tell me she hated me. I wanted her to punch me and scream at me and call me a bitch. I wanted her to give me a reason to be angry, because right now, my heart is breaking for her, and I know there isnt a damn thing I could say to make her better. I know this for a fact, because Ive recently been in the same situation that Ridge and I have just put her in.
We just made her a Sydney.
Ridge
The third and final text comes through when I pull up to the hospital. I know its the final text, because its pulled from the conversation I had with Sydney less than two hours ago. Its the very last thing I messaged her.
Maggie: Dont thank me, Sydney. You shouldnt thank me, because I failed miserably at trying not to fall in love with you.
I cant take any more. I throw the phone into the passenger seat and exit the vehicle, then sprint into the hospital and straight up to her room. I push open the door and rush inside, preparing to do whatever I can to persuade her to hear me out.
When Im inside her room, Im instantly gutted.
Shes gone.
I press my palms against my forehead and pace the empty room, trying to figure out how I can take it all back. She read everything. Every single conversation Ive ever had with Sydney on my laptop. Every single honest feeling Ive shared, every joke weve made, every flaw weve listed.
Why was I so damn careless?
Twenty-four years Ive lived without ever experiencing this type of hatred. Its the type of hatred that completely overwhelms the conscience. Its the type of hatred that excuses otherwise inexcusable actions. Its the type of hatred that can be felt in every facet of the body and in every inch of the soul. Ive never known it until this moment. Ive never hated anything or anyone with as much intensity as I hate myself right now.
20.
Sydney
Are you crying? Bridgette asks without compassion as she comes through the front door. Warren follows closely behind her, but he pauses the second his eyes meet mine.
I dont know how long Ive been sitting motionless on the couch, but it still isnt long enough for reality to have been absorbed just yet. Im still hoping this is a dream. Or a nightmare. This isnt how things were supposed to turn out.
Sydney? Warren says hesitantly. He knows something is wrong, because Im sure my swollen, bloodshot eyes clearly give me away.
I attempt to form an answer, but I fail to come up with one. As much a part of this as I am, I still feel that Ridge and Maggies situation isnt mine to be sharing.
Luckily, Warren doesnt have to ask me whats wrong, because Im spared by Ridges presence. Hes barging through the front door, taking both Bridgettes and Warrens attention off of me.
He pushes between the two of them and heads straight for his room. He swings open the door, then comes out through the bathroom seconds later. He looks at Warren and signs something. Warren shrugs and signs back, but I cant follow their conversation at all.
When Ridge responds again, Warren looks directly at me. What does he mean? Warren asks me.
I shrug. I failed to learn sign language between now and the last time we spoke, Warren. How the hell should I know?
I dont know where my unwarranted sarcasm is coming from, but I feel Warren should have anticipated that one.
He shakes his head. Wheres Maggie, Sydney? Warren points at the counter toward Ridges computer. He says she had his computer, so she had to come by here after she left the hospital.
I look at Ridge to answer but cant deny the fact that jealousy is coursing through me at watching his reaction when it comes to Maggie. I dont know where she went. All she did was walk in, set your computer down, and grab her things. Shes been gone for half an hour.
Warren is signing everything Im saying to Ridge. When he finishes, Ridge runs a frustrated hand through his hair, then takes a step toward me. His eyes are angry and hurt, and he begins signing with forceful movements of his hands. His obvious anger makes me wince, but his disappointment in me fills me with my own share of anger.
He wants to know how you could just let her leave, Warren says.
I immediately stand up and look Ridge directly in the eye. What did you expect me to do, Ridge? Lock her in the damn closet? You cant be mad at me for this! Im not the one who failed to delete messages I wouldnt want someone else to read!
I dont wait for Warren to finish signing for Ridge. I walk to my bedroom and slam the door behind me, then drop down onto my bed. Moments later, I hear the door to Ridges bedroom slam shut, too. The sounds dont stop there, though. I hear things crashing against his bedroom walls, one by one, as he takes his frustration out on any inanimate object in his path.
I dont hear the knock through the sounds coming from Ridges bedroom. My door opens, and Warren slips inside. He shuts my bedroom door, then leans his back against it. What happened? he asks.
I turn my head to face the other direction. I dont want to answer him, and I dont want to look at him, because I know anything I say to him will only cause him to be disappointed in Ridge and me. I dont want him to be disappointed in Ridge.
Are you okay? His voice is closer now. He sits down on the bed beside me and places a comforting hand on my back. The reassuring contact from him causes me to break down again as I bury my face in my arms. I feel as though Im drowning, but I have no fight left to even bother coming up for air.
You said something about messages to Ridge. Did Maggie read something that upset her?
I turn my head back over and look up at him. Go ask Ridge, Warren. Its not my place to tell you Maggies business.
Warren purses his lips in a tight line, nodding slowly while he thinks. I kind of think it is your place, though. Isnt it? Does it not have everything to do with you? And I cant ask Ridge. Ive never seen him like this before, and frankly, Im a little terrified of him right now. But Im worried about Maggie, and I need you to tell me what happened so I can figure out if theres anything I can do to help.
I close my eyes, wondering how I can answer Warrens question with a simplified response. I open my eyes and look at him again. Dont be angry with him, Warren. The only thing Ridge has done wrong is fail to delete a few messages.
Warren tilts his head and narrows his doubtful eyes. If thats the only thing Ridge did wrong, then why is Maggie avoiding him? Are you saying that the messages she read werent wrong? Whatever has been going on between the two of you isnt wrong?
I dont like the condescending undertone in his voice. I sit up on the bed and scoot back, putting space between the two of us as I respond. The fact that Ridge has been honest in his conversations with me is not something he did wrong. The fact that he has feelings for me also isnt wrong, when you know exactly how much hes fought those feelings. People cant control matters of the heart, Warren. They can only control their actions, which is exactly what Ridge did. He lost control once for ten seconds, but after that, every single time temptation reared its ugly head, he walked in the other direction. The only thing Ridge has done wrong is fail to delete his messages, because by doing so, he failed to protect Maggie. He failed to protect her from the harsh truth that people dont get to choose who they fall in love with. They only get to choose who they stay in love with. I look up at the ceiling and blink back tears. He was choosing to stay in love with her, Warren. Why cant she see that? This will kill him so much more than its killing her.
I fall back onto the bed, and Warren remains beside me, quiet and still. Several long moments pass, and then he stands and slowly makes his way to my bedroom door. I owe you an apology, he says.
An apology for what?
He drops his eyes to the floor and shuffles his feet. I didnt think you were good enough for him, Sydney. He slowly brings his gaze back to mine. You are. You and Maggie both are. This is the first moment since meeting Ridge that I dont envy him.
He leaves the room, somehow having made me feel the tiniest bit better and a whole hell of a lot worse.
I continue to lie still on my bed, listening for the sound of Ridges anger to return, but it doesnt. Its completely quiet throughout the apartment. The only thing any of us can hear is the lingering shattering of Maggies heart.
I pick up my phone for the first time since I put it on silent and see that I have a missed text from Ridge, sent just a few minutes ago.
Ridge: I changed my mind. I need you to leave today.
Ridge
I pile a few things into a bag, hoping Ill actually need it once I get to her house. I have no idea if Maggie will even allow me to step through her front door, but the only thing I can do right now is be optimistic, because the alternative is unacceptable. It just is. I refuse to accept that this is it.
I know shes hurt, and I know she hates me right now, but she has to understand how much she means to me and how my feelings for Sydney were never intentional.
I clench my fists again, wondering why in the hell I ever had those conversations with Sydney in the first place. Or why I failed to delete them. I never thought Maggie would be in a position to read them. I guess in a way, I just didnt feel guilty. The way Ive felt toward Sydney wasnt something I wanted to happen, but the feelings are there, and refusing to act on them since our initial kiss has taken a hell of a lot of effort. In an oddly sadistic way, Ive actually been proud of myself for being able to fight it the way I have.
But Maggie wont see that side of it, and I completely understand. I know Maggie, and if she read all the messages, shes more upset about the connection Ive made with Sydney than she is over the fact that I kissed her. The feelings I have for Sydney arent something Im sure I can talk my way out of.
I grab my bag and my phone and head into the kitchen to pack the laptop. When I reach the counter, I notice a piece of paper peeking out from the computer. I find a sticky note stuck to the screen.
Ridge,
It was never my intention to read your personal stuff, but when I opened your laptop, it was all right there in front of me. I read all of it, and I wish I never saw it. Please give me time to process everything before you show up. Ill contact you when Im ready to talk in a few days.