From where he was sitting, Jeremy couldn’t see the door. He heard the crests of a conversation. He held Thomas tighter. When his mother appeared in the foyer alone, Jeremy’s heart flew into a panic. His mother dropped her purse and stared at him, motionless.
She looked tired and older, and that unnerved him. In his mind he had seen her only a few days ago, still beautiful, energetic, vibrant. And now here she was, weak and distant. In her little brown jacket and cream blouse, he recognized his mother’s elegant, discreet taste in clothing.
“Allow me to introduce Clotilde and her fiancé, Pierre,” Victoria blurted out. “Close friends. And this is Jeremy’s mother, Mrs. Delègue.”
“Call me Myriam.”
Pierre and Clotilde moved in to shake her hand. Myriam smiled politely and then turned to face her son again. Everyone tried to appear relaxed, but the palpable effort weighed heavily on the room.
“We’ll leave you two,” Victoria continued. “Pierre, Clotilde, I need you to help me set the table.” She moved to take the baby from Jeremy, but he shrugged her off. He thought the little one might play an important role in the next few minutes.
“Hello, Mom,” he murmured.
“Hello, Jeremy.” Her voice was calm and controlled, but her emotion was not entirely contained.
“Dad…didn’t come,” Jeremy remarked.
“It’s too soon for him.”
“I understand. And you?”
“Me?” She smiled with a mixture of bitterness and exhaustion. Her eyes tried to express all the feelings she’d stored up in the years of separation. She would’ve liked to show more hostility—or at least reluctance—for a few more minutes, but the barricade of anger started to collapse under the onslaught of her emotions.
She’s mad at me. She wants to me to know how much I hurt her.
Thomas wiggled his tiny arms and legs, trying to turn and face this new presence.
When the small child turned his eyes to hers, Jeremy’s mother gave up her silent dialogue and adjusted her mannerisms. Her face softened, and an infinitely tender smile played across the wrinkled outline of her lips.
“Look, I think he knows who you are. A family bond…”
“Family bond? That’s funny. Sometimes values skip a generation,” she scoffed, letting a sad smile slip through.
The comment hurt him. But he knew it was her last one. An attack meant to defend her honor after giving in too rapidly.
“He’s so cute. Watch out, you’re not holding him right. He’s going to hurt his neck.” She approached slowly.
“Here,” Jeremy said. “Come sit next to me and hold him.”
His mother already held her arms out to receive the child. She sat down next to Jeremy, holding Thomas so that he faced her, and smiling, visibly pleased. Jeremy could smell her scent. The same one from his childhood. A mix of lavender spray and fabric softener. The fragrance of honesty and virtue.
Jeremy wanted to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. He wanted to kiss her. “Mom…I’m so…I don’t know how I could…” But what could he say to heal her injured love? The words piled up in his mouth. “I love you, Mom.”
She stiffened but pretended not to hear him and went on smiling at the baby. “He’s so cute. I wanted to meet him so badly. I’m his grandmother, after all.” Her voice broke. Tears sprang to her eyes. She pressed the baby’s face to her own and kissed him, hiding behind her grandson. Jeremy felt so helpless.
“I’m sorry for making you suffer, you and Dad. It wasn’t me. I don’t even recognize myself. I love you so much.”
She raised her damp eyes toward Jeremy and continued to pepper Thomas’s forehead with little kisses. “We always did our best, Jeremy, believe me.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. How could I let you blame yourselves like that? It wasn’t you, Mom. I was immature, and I felt lost. I was in love with Victoria. Madly in love. She didn’t want me. And a life without her, I didn’t want that. I know it’s ugly to put it so plainly, but suicide is always ugly outside the moment you go through with it. It doesn’t exist except in the few seconds and minutes leading up to it. And i
n that moment, it’s devastating. But you didn’t have anything to do with it. As for the rest, everything since then, I don’t know what to say. I think it was a lasting sickness. Or maybe I was ashamed of myself. I don’t have an explanation.”
“And why did you want to see us today?”
“I have no idea. I just suddenly felt like I became myself again.” Jeremy realized his explanation must have sounded strange.
“I was so happy when Victoria called me,” she confided with a smile, eyes bathed in tears.