You can finish it, he says, and I dont argue. As I drink, I can feel his eyes on me again, and when I look at him, I see that he has been staring at the three-pronged scar on my neck. It seems to reassure him.
Amazingly, I still have my backpack. For some reason, the Scavengers have let me keep it. This gives me hope. They may be vicious, but theyre obviously not very practiced at kidnapping people. I remove a granola bar from my bag, then reconsider. Im not starving yet, and I have no idea how long Im going to be trapped in this rat hole. I learned in the Wilds: Its better to wait when you still can. Eventually, youll be too desperate to have self-control.
The rest of the things Ive broughtThe Book of Shhh, Tacks stupid umbrella, the water bottle, which I drank dry on the bus ride into Manhattan, and a tube of mascara, probably Ravens, nestled at the very bottom of the bagare useless. Now I know why they didnt bother confiscating the backpack. Still, I take everything out, lay it carefully on my bed, and overturn the backpackshaking it hard, as though a knife or a lock pick or some other kind of salvation might suddenly materialize.
Nothing. Still, theres got to be a way out of here.
I stand up and go to the door, bending my left arm. The pain in my elbow has faded to a dull throb. It isnt broken, then: another good sign.
I try the door: locked, like he said, and made of heavy iron. Impossible to break down. Theres a smaller doorabout the size of a cat flapfitted into the larger one. I squat down and examine it. The way its hinges are fitted allows it to be opened from their side, but not from ours.
Thats where they put the water through, Julian says. Food, too.
Food? This surprises me. They gave you food?
A little bit of bread. Some nuts, too. I ate it all. I didnt know how long youd be out. He looks away.
Thats all right. I straighten up, and scan the walls for cracks or fissures, a hidden door, or a weak place we might be able to push through. I would have done the same thing.
Food, water, an underground cell: Those are the facts. I can tell were underground because of the pattern of mold at the top of the wallsits a particular kind that we used to get all the time in the burrow. It comes from the dirt all around us.
It means, essentially, that were buried.
But if theyd wanted us dead, wed have been dead already. That is a fact also.
Still, it is not particularly comforting. If the Scavengers have kept us alive so far, it can only be because theyre planning something far worse for us than death.
What do you remember? I ask Julian.
What?
What do you remember? About the attack? Noises, smells, order of events? When I look directly at Julian, he clicks his eyes away from mine. Of course, he has had years of trainingsegregation, principles of avoidance, the Protective Three: Distance, Detachment, Dispassion. Im tempted to remind him that it isnt illegal to make eye contact with a cured. But it seems absurd to have a conversation about right and wrong here.
He must be in denial. Thats why hes staying so calm.
He sighs, runs a hand through his hair. I dont remember anything.
Try.
He shakes his head, as though trying to dislodge the memory, leans back again, and stares at the ceiling. When the Invalids came during the rally
I wince unconsciously as he pronounces the word. I have to bite my lip to keep from correcting him: Scavengers. Not Invalids. Were not all the same.
Go on, I prompt him. Im moving down the walls now, running my hands along the concrete. I dont know what Im hoping to find. Were trapped, pure and simple. But it seems to make it easier for Julian to speak when Im not looking at him.
Bill and Tonythose are my dads bodyguardsgrabbed me and dragged me toward the emergency exit. Wed planned it earlier, in case something went wrong; we were supposed to go into the tunnels and reconvene, wait for my father. His voice catches the slightest bit on the word father, and he coughs. The tunnels were dark. Tony went looking for the flashlights. Hed stashed them earlier. Then we heardthen we heard a shout, and a cracking noise. Like a nut.
Julian swallows hard. For a moment I feel bad for him. He has seen a lot, and quickly.
But I remind myself that he and his father are the reason that the Scavengers existthe reason theyre forced to exist. The DFA and organizations like it have pushed and squeezed and elbowed out all the feeling in the world. They have clamped their fists around a geyser to keep it from exploding.
But the pressure eventually builds, and the explosion will always come.
Then Bill went ahead, to make sure Tony was okay. He told me not to move. I waited there. And thenI felt someone squeezing my throat from behind. I couldnt breathe. Everything went blurry. I saw someone approaching but couldnt make out any features. Then he hit me. He gestures to his nose and shirt. I passed out. When I woke up, I was in here. With you.
Ive finished my tour of our makeshift cell. But Im filled with nervous energy and cant bring myself to sit down. I continue pacing, back and forth, keeping my eyes trained on the ground.
And you dont remember anything else? No other noises or smells?
No.
And nobody spoke? Nobody said anything to you?
Theres a pause before he says, No. Im not sure whether hes lying or not. But I dont push it. A feeling of complete exhaustion overwhelms me. The pain comes slamming back into my skull, exploding little points of color behind my eyelids. I thump down hard on the ground, draw my knees up to my chest.
So what now? Julian says. Theres a small note of desperation in his voice. I realize that he isnt in denial. He isnt calm, either. Hes scared, and fighting it.
I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes. Now we wait.
It is impossible to know what time it is, and whether it is night or day. The electric bulb fitted high in the wall casts a flat white light over everything. Hours pass. At least Julian knows how to be quiet. He stays on his cot, and whenever I am not looking at him, I can feel him watching me. This is, in all probability, the first time he has ever been alone with a girl his age for an extended period of time, and his eyes travel over my hair, and legs, and arms, as though I am a strange species of animal at the zoo. It makes me want to put on my jacket again, to cover up, but I dont. Its hot.
When did you have your procedure? he asks me at a certain point.
November, I answer automatically. My mind is turning the same questions over and over again. Why bring us here? Why keep us alive? Julian, I can understand. Hes worth something. They must be after a ransom.
But Im not worth anything. And that makes me very, very nervous.
Did it hurt? he asks.
I look up at him. Im once again startled by the clarity of his eyes: now a clear river color, threaded with purple and navy shadows.
Not too bad, I lie.
I hate hospitals, he says, looking away. Labs, scientists, doctors. All that.
A few beats of silence stretch between us. Arent you kind of used to it by now? I say, because I cant help it.
The left corner of his mouth twitches upward: a tiny smile. He looks at me sideways.
I guess there are some things you never get used to, he says, and for no reason at all, I think of Alex and feel a tightening in my stomach.
I guess so, I say.
Later on there is a change, a shift in the silence. I have been lying on the cot, preserving my strength, but now I sit up.
What is it? Julian says, and I hold up my hand to quiet him.
Footsteps on the other side of the door, coming closer. Then a grinding sound, as the hinges on the small metal cat flap squeak open.
Instantly I dive to the ground, trying to catch a glimpse of our captors. I land hard on my right shoulder just as a tray clatters through the opening and the metal door bangs shut again.
Damn. I sit up, kneading my shoulder. The plate holds two thick chunks of bread and several ropes of beef jerky. Theyve given us a metal bottle filled with water as well. Not bad, considering some of the stuff I used to eat in the Wilds.
See anything? Julian asks.
I shake my head.
It wouldnt help us much, I guess. He hesitates for a second and then slides off the bed, joining me on the ground.
Information always helps, I say, a little too sharply. Thats something else I learned from Raven. Of course Julian wouldnt understand. People like Julian dont want to know, or think, or choose anymore; that is part of the point.
We both reach for the water, and our hands collide over the tray. Julian jerks back as though he has been burned.
Go ahead, I say.
You first, he says.
I take the water and begin sipping, watching Julian the whole time. He tears the bread into pieces. I can tell hes trying to make it last; he must be starving.
Have my bread, I say. Im not sure why I offer it to him. It isnt smart. Ill need my strength to break out of here.
He stares at me. Strangely, despite the rest of his coloringcaramel-and-wheat-blond hair, blue eyeshis lashes are thick and black. Are you sure?
Take it, I say, and almost add, Before I change my mind.
The second piece he eats greedily, with both hands. When hes finished, I pass him the water bottle, and he hesitates before bringing it to his mouth.
You cant catch it from me, you know, I tell him.
What? He starts a little, as though Ive interrupted a long period of silence.
The disease. Amor deliria nervosa. You cant catch it from me. Im safe. Alex told me that very same thing, once. I push the memories of him away, willing them deep into the darkness. And besides, you cant catch it from sharing water and food, anyway. Thats a myth.
You can get it from kissing, Julian says, after a pause. He hesitates before he says the word kissing. Its not a word that gets used very much anymore, except in private.
Thats different.
Anyway, Im not worried about that, Julian says forcefully, and takes a big slug of water as if to prove it.
What are you worried about, then? I take my rope of jerky, lean back against the wall, and start working it with my teeth.
He wont meet my eyes. I just havent spent that much time with
Girls?
He shakes his head. Anyone, he says. Anyone my own age.
We make eye contact for a second then, and a little jolt goes through me. His eyes have changed: Now the crystal waters have deepened and expanded, become an ocean of swirling colorgreens and golds and purples.