When I turn around again, I suck in a quick breath. Fred has moved closer, silently, and he is now standing a mere six inches away, face white and furious. I have never seen him look this way before.
What? I start to say, but he cuts me off.
What the hell is this? He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a folded manila envelope, throws it down on the glass coffee table. The motion sends several photographs fanning out of the envelope and onto the table.
There I am, frozen, preserved in a camera lens: Click. Walking, head down, next to a dilapidated housethe Tiddles house in Deering Highlandsempty backpack looped over one shoulder. Click. From behind: pushing through a blur of green growth, reaching up to swat away a low-hanging branch. Click. Turning, surprised, scanning the woods behind me, looking for a source of the sound, the soft rustle of movement, the click.
Do you want to explain to me, Fred says coldly, what you were doing in Deering Highlands on Saturday?
A flash of anger goes through me, and also fear. He knows. Youre having me followed?
Dont flatter yourself, Hana, he says in the same flat tone. Ben Bradleys a friend of mine. He works for the Daily. He was on assignment, and he saw you going into the Highlands. Naturally, he was curious. His eyes have darkened. Theyre the color of wet concrete. What were you doing?
Nothing, I say quickly. I was exploring.
Exploring. Fred practically spits the word. Do you understand, Hana, that the Highlands is a condemned neighborhood? Do you have any idea what kind of people live there? Criminals. Infected people. Sympathizers and rebels. They nest in those buildings like cockroaches.
I wasnt doing anything, I insist. I wish he wouldnt stand so close. Im suddenly paranoid hell be able to smell the fear, the lies, the way dogs can.
You were there, Fred says. Thats bad enough. Although were separated by only a few inches, he moves forward. I unconsciously step backward, bumping into the television console behind me. Ive just gone on record saying we wont tolerate any more civil disobedience. Do you know how bad it would look if people found out my pair was sneaking around in Deering Highlands? Once again, he inches forward. Now I have nowhere to go, and force myself to stay very still. He narrows his eyes. But maybe that was the whole point. Youre trying to embarrass me. Mess with my plans. Make me seem like an idiot.
The edge of the TV console is digging into the back of my thighs. I hate to break it to you, Fred, I say, but not everything I do is about you. In fact, most things I do are about me.
Cute, he says.
For a second we stand there, staring at each other. The stupidest thought comes to me: When Fred and I were getting paired, where was this, this hard, cold center, listed among his Characteristics and Qualities?
Fred draws away a few inches, and I allow myself to exhale.
Things will be very bad for you if you go back there, he says.
I force myself to meet his gaze. Is that a warning or a threat?
Its a promise. His mouth quirks into a small smile. If youre not with me, youre against me. And tolerance is not one of my virtues. Cassie would tell you that, but Im afraid she doesnt get much of an audience these days. He barks a laugh.
Whatwhat do you mean? I wish I could keep the tremor from my voice.
He narrows his eyes. I hold my breath. For a second I think hell admit itwhat he did to her, where she is.
But he simply says, I wont have you ruin what Ive worked so hard to achieve. You will listen to me.
Im your pair, I say. Not your dog.
It happens lightning-quick. He closes the distance between us, and his hand is around my throat, and the breath is crushed out of me. Panic, heavy and black, sits in my chest. Saliva builds in my throat. Cant breathe.
Freds eyes, stony and impenetrable, swim in my vision. Youre right, he says. He is totally calm now as he tightens his fingers around my throat. My vision shrinks to a single point: those eyes. For a second, everything goes darkblinkand then he is there again, staring at me, speaking in that lullaby-voice. You arent my dog. But you will still learn to sit when I tell you. You will still learn to obey.
Hello? Anyone here?
The voice echoes from the foyer. Instantly Fred releases me. I suck in a breath, then start to cough. My eyes are stinging. My lungs stutter in my chest, trying to suck in air.
Hello?
The door swings open and Debbie Sayer, my mothers hairdresser, bursts into the room. Oh! she says, and stops. Her face reddens when she sees Fred and me. Mayor Hargrove, she says. I didnt mean to interrupt. . . .
You didnt interrupt, Fred says. I was on my way out.
We had an appointment, Debbie adds uncertainly. She looks at me. I swipe a hand across my eyes; it comes away damp. We were going to talk styles for the wedding. . . . I didnt get the time wrong, did I?
The wedding: It seems absurd now, a bad joke. This is my promised path: with this monster, who can smile in one moment and squeeze my throat in the next. I feel tears pushing at my eyes again and press my palms against my eyelids, willing them back.
No. My throat is raw. Youre right.
Are you all right? Debbie asks me.
Hana suffers from allergies, Fred answers smoothly, before Ive had a chance to respond. Ive told her a hundred times to get a prescription. . . . He reaches out and takes my hand, squeezes my fingerstoo hard, but not so much that Debbie will notice. Shes very stubborn.
He withdraws his hand. I bring my aching fingers behind my back, flexing them, still fighting the urge to cry. Ill see you tomorrow, Fred says, directing a smile toward me. You havent forgotten about the cocktail party, have you?
I havent forgotten, I say, refusing to look at him.
Good. He crosses the room. In the hall, I hear him begin to whistle.
Debbie begins chattering the moment he is out of earshot. Youre so lucky. Henrythats my pair, you knowlooks as though hes had his face squashed by a rock. She laughs. Hes a good match for me, though. Were big supporters of your husbandor soon-to-be, I guess we should say. Big supporters.
She places a blow dryer, two brushes, and a translucent bag of pins side by side on top of the thank-you cards and the photographs, which she has not noticed. You know, Henry met your husband just recently at a fund-raiser. Where is my hair spray?
I close my eyes. Maybe this is all a dreamDebbie, the wedding, Fred. Maybe Ill wake up, and it will be last summer, or two summers ago, or five: before any of this was real.
I knew he would make a great mayor. Didnt mind Hargrove Senior, and Im sure he did his best, but if you want my opinion, he was just a little soft. He actually wanted the Crypts torn apart. . . . She shakes her head. I say, bury them there and let them rot.
I snap suddenly to attention. What?
She descends on me with her hairbrush, tugging and pulling. Dont get me wrongI liked Hargrove Senior. But I think he had the wrong idea about certain kinds of people.
No, no. I swallow. What did you say after that?
She tilts my chin forcefully up toward the light and examines me. Well, I think they should be left to rot in the Cryptscriminals, I mean, and sick people. She begins looping hair, experimenting with the way it falls.
Stupid. Ive been so stupid.
And then you think of the way he died. Debbie has returned to the subject of Freds father; he died January 12, the day of the Incidents, after the bombs went off in the Crypts. The whole eastern facade was blown clean away; prisoners suddenly found themselves in cells with no walls, and yards with no fences. There was a mass insurrection; Freds father arrived with the police, and died trying to restore order.
My ideas come hard and fast, like a thick snow, building a white wall I cant get above or around.
Bluebeard kept a locked room, a secret space where he stashed his wives. . . . Locked doors, heavy bolts, women rotting in stone prisons . . .
Possible. Its possible. It fits. It would explain the note, and why she wasnt in COREs system. She might have been invalidated. Some prisoners are. Their identities, their histories, their whole lives are erased. Poof. A single keystroke, a metal door sliding shut, and its as though they never existed.
Debbie prattles on. Good riddance, I say, and they should be grateful we dont just shoot em on the spot. Did you hear about what happened in Waterbury? She laughs, a sound too loud for the quiet room. Small bursts of pain fire off in my head.
On Saturday morning, in just a single hour, an enormous camp of resisters outside Waterbury was eradicated. Only a handful of our soldiers were injured.
Debbie grows serious again. You know what? I think the lightings better upstairs, in your moms room. Dont you think?
I find myself agreeing, and before I know it I am also moving. I float up the stairs in front of her. I lead the way to my mothers bedroom as though I am drifting, or dreaming, or dead.
Lena
A dull feeling settles over us after Alexs departure. He was causing problems, but he was still one of us, one of the group, and I think everyoneexcept for Julianfeels the loss.
I walk around in a near daze. Despite everything, I took comfort in his presence, in seeing him, in knowing he was safe. Now that he has gone off on his own, who knows what will happen to him? He is no longer mine to lose, but the grief is there, a gnawing sense of disbelief.
Coral is pale, and silent, and wide-eyed. She doesnt cry. She doesnt eat much, either.
Tack and Hunter talked about going after him, but Raven quickly made them see the foolishness of the idea. He no doubt had many hours head start, and a single person, moving rapidly on foot, is even harder to track than a group. Theyd be wasting time, resources, and energy.
Theres nothing we can do, she said, careful to avoid looking at me, but let him go.
So we do. Suddenly there is no amount of lanterns that can chase away the shadows that often fall between us, the shades of other people and other lives lost to the Wilds, to this struggle, to the world split in two. I cant help but think of the camp, and of Pippa, and the line of soldiers we saw threading through the woods.
Pippa said we could expect the contacts from resistance within three days, but the third day winds slowly into evening with no sign of anyone.
Each day, we get a little more stir-crazy. Its not anxiety, exactly. We have enough food and, now that Tack and Hunter have found a stream nearby, enough water. Spring is here: The animals are out, and we have begun trapping successfully.