“I know it's not because you aren't attracted to me,” I said, upset at the heat that was spreading up my chest and into my face.
“I just said what it is, it's complicated. Let's just leave it at that.” With that, she turned and walked out of the bathroom leaving me still half dressed. Was that supposed to be a rejection? What was she talking about? What was so complicated about what I asked? I wasn't being as direct as I possibly could, but I didn't know how to put it any other way. Saying that I had a suspicion that I might love her, and I wanted to know whether that was true scared the shit out of me.
I cleaned up and walked out of the bathroom to find her. She wasn't still in the house so I went out to the garden and saw her. She was gathered with the rest of the adults at the party, giving hugs and talking to them. It looked like she was getting ready to leave.
When she walked back into the house, she was accompanied by Eddy so she looked right through me, ignoring I was there and they went to the door. The two of them shared a hug and then Maggie walked out. After Eddie retreated, I went to the door and flung it open, looking both sides of the street to see which way she went.
I was thinking I would go after her to make her explain what she meant, but then I saw it. A man approached her, and they started talking. After a few moments, he took her into his arms.
Well, that was new. I knew that nobody was watching me, but I felt embarrassment. I felt like last night's meal was still sitting in the pit of my stomach. They walked off together and I still felt it.
She was seeing someone. How long has this been going on? When did she meet him? Why was I jealous and why did it matter? We weren't together and she was single, she could do what she wanted. Unless she wasn't and that was her boyfriend.
I couldn't go back inside. I would be thinking about that guy doing what I had just done to her all day. I left without saying anything, figuring they wouldn’t care since I had just caused a scene for the kids. I could fix that later. At the moment, I felt sick.
I needed a drink.
My regular bar was a little out of range so I would have to settle for somewhere else. I didn’t care where I had to go, I needed alcohol, and whoever had it would get my money.
I was getting laid tonight. It didn’t matter who. A girl at the bar or someone I had in my phone, anyone would work. I couldn’t just go home. I felt like if I did, it was over and I lost somehow. It wasn’t a competition, at least not consciously but it turned out some part of me had been treating it like one, and yeah, I had lost.
24
Maggie
“Maggie!”
I stopped and looked up. The first thing I saw was Paul’s face quickly approaching me. I recoiled.
“Pease, don’t run,” he said.
“Why shouldn’t I? What are you about to do?” I asked.
“Just relax.”
“Why are you here?”
“Babe…”
“No, tell me why you’re here.”
“Don’t get upset. I’m worried about you and the baby. That’s why I’m here.”
“Don’t you dare try and make this seem normal, Paul. It’s not normal. It was fucking weird you were hanging around outside my home, but if now you’re stalking the other people in my life, Paul I’m going to have to do something drastic.” I had gotten the police involved in the past but never got past the point of pressing charges. It was fear, I knew it was. I just didn’t think I could actually beat him but I wasn’t scared anymore.
“No, Maggie, relax. Nobody’s getting stalked. I don’t even know who lives here. I just know that you came here and spent a lot of time inside.” The man just said that no one was getting stalked and then admitted to stalking me in the same sentence. Why was I still standing there talking to him?
I wasn’t in the mood. He had caught me at the wrong time, not that there was really a right time to have to deal with him. He was tiresome at all times of the day. The less time I could spend talking to, thinking about, and dealing with him, the better. After what had just happened with Toby though, I was ready to lie down for the rest of the year and never get up, like a bear going into hibernation.
“Don’t tell me to relax and then tell me that you stalked me to find out where I was, Paul. I’m being serious. Leave me alone. I don’t want to see you and whatever’s happening with me and my baby is none of your business.” I was short with him and he looked surprised that I would talk to him like that. I had no regrets because I didn’t owe him anything. He didn’t have a good reason to be in my life right now. All he was doing was being creepy and when he wasn’t being creepy, he was being an inconvenience. I was pregnant, I needed none of it.
“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you upset, honestly. I just wanted to check on you.”
“I don’t need you to check on me.”
“Then can you at least tell me what’s going on? Are you okay? How’s the baby?”
He almost sounded honest asking me those questions. I didn’t like it since it was coming from him, but I wanted somebody to ask me how I was doing. I wanted to be able to get it all off my chest so that I didn’t have to think about it anymore. I couldn’t say that anything was Toby’s fault because I was a participant too. Toby was driving me crazy. I kept giving into Toby and that was driving me crazy.