But also, after him doing that … how do I let him go?
28
Cohen
Seth’s quiet for most of the drive home. Zach’s completely oblivious because he’s the type of guy who appreciates silence, but I think something’s wrong.
We drop Zach off near his dorm, and then I climb into the passenger seat.
“I assume you’re coming to my place,” Seth says.
“Duh. We still have a few days before classes start back up. That’s a whole lot of naked time.”
He doesn’t reply, and that’s when I know there’s definitely something up. Seth pulls out of the parking lot and drives toward Winooski.
Do I bring it up now or when we get home? If this is going to be a fight, he might not want to do that while behind the wheel of a car. I bite my tongue and try to think of the billion possibilities of things I could have done to unwittingly piss him off, because let’s face it, I don’t know when I do dumb shit half the time.
The ten-minute drive feels longer than the two hours from Montreal, and by the time we’re climbing the stairs up to his second-floor apartment, my head’s hung low as if I’m waiting to be berated for something I didn’t mean to do.
“That trip was fun,” he says as soon as we’re through the door. He dumps his bag by the kitchen—which is something Seth never does. He’s kind of a neat freak and the type of person who unpacks immediately.
“It was. A lot of fun.” Which is why I have no idea how the mood has turned somber.
He stares at me.
I stare back. “Did I do something wrong? You know you have to spell it out for me.”
“You did.” Then he shakes his head. “Wait, no, I think I did.”
“Seth, what’s going on? You’re kinda freaking me out.”
“Foster told me. About the job.”
My face falls. “Oh. I’m not interested, so I didn’t think to tell you. Was I supposed to?”
“That’s not what I’m upset about.”
“Is it the job itself? Because I’d be choosing Foster over you? It’s exactly why I told him I’m not interested. I wouldn’t do that to you. Not with all the baggage between you and your brother.”
“I think that’s my fault. Even though I have my issues with him, they’re my issues. You shouldn’t rearrange your life because I have irrational—yes, I know it’s irrational—anger toward my twin.”
I might be oblivious to some shit, but I can tell Seth’s wounds cut deep. “I don’t want to do anything that will make that anger deepen. And it’s not irrational. It’s how you feel. That’s not something you can change so easily.”
“It’s not as if I like resenting him. I still love him. It’s just … hard sometimes.”
“I know. And I don’t want to make anything harder for you. Well, except your dick. I like doing that.”
Seth cracks a smile. “You should think about the job. If it’s something you really want to do, you can’t let me hold you back. I would start hating myself then, and I’m already too busy hating on my brother.”
“Things have been getting better with him though, haven’t they?”
Seth nods. “I think coming out to him was a turning point. And since being with you, I’ve pinpointed where my anger comes from exactly. I used to think I was jealous, but I’ve never, not once, wished I had his life. It comes from the fact that everything comes so easy to him. His sexuality came easy. Sleeping around came easy.”
“Literally.”
“Then when Mr. No Relationships decides it’s time to have one, bam, that’s easy for him too. I’ve struggled with nearly all aspects of my life. That I’m on the ace spectrum and not straight like I thought. That I’m the reason my relationships fail because I’m needy and not sexual enough.”
“Hey, we’ve found a way around all that.”
Seth’s face crumples with frustration. “Yeah, you’re the only relationship that has lasted more than a couple of months, and I had to work for half a damn year getting to know you before I could even meet you. We moved slower than a fucking turtle.”
I pull him close. “But it was worth it.”
Seth relents. “Totally worth it.”
“I understand what you’re saying, and I can see how you could resent Foster, but playing devil’s advocate here, I think you’re only looking at the big-picture stuff. I know the distance between Zach and Foster has been hard on both of them. Foster’s having a great rookie year, but I can see how exhausted he is.”
“True. I’m starting to see that.”
“I think you’re also forgetting you told me that Foster couldn’t skate when you were little, so he has had to work hard at something. I had natural talent but still couldn’t train my way to the top like he did.”