Way Off Plan (Firsts and Forever 1)

I stared at him for a long moment, then set the paper in my lap. “Now why the fuck would you intentionally dress in something I like?”

He fidgeted, twisting his linked fingers together, then said, “I guess…I guess I wanted you to remember that you used to find me attractive.” He glanced up at me from under his dark lashes, and when I didn’t say anything, he blurted. “Jamie, I’m so sorry. God I’m sorry. I fucked up so bad. I’m the worst kind of asshole. I wish…I wish you’d just punch me in the face or something, because I so totally deserve it.”

I grinned a little at that. In some ways, Charlie still had the mentality of a high school football player. “While that probably would make me feel slightly better, I don’t think I’m going to risk the assault charges. Or risk getting banned from my favorite Laundromat,” I said, setting the paper aside and folding my hands in my lap. “Aside from trying to get me to punch you in the face, why are you here, Charlie?”

“I needed to talk to you. I needed to apologize.” He slid forward and scooped up my hands in his, and said, “I need to tell you that I love you, Jamie. I always have. And for me to deny that– ” he pressed his eyes shut for a moment, then said, “I’m such a total idiot.”

I felt like the roof had just caved in, it was that overwhelming. I carefully extracted my hands from his, and took a deep breath before saying quietly, “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I just got it. I finally realized all that I lost when I gave you up. I finally got that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. You know that expression, you don’t know what you got until it’s gone? That’s totally true. I fucked up, big time. But I want to fix it. I want you back, Jamie.”

“You’re quoting 1980’s hair band ‘Cinderella’ there, Charlie. You know that, right?” I said, attempting levity, folding my arms over my chest so I could tuck my shaking hands out of sight.

He sighed in exasperation and sat back. “You’re making jokes, and I’m pouring my heart out to you.”

“Well, what do you want me to say? You’re right. You did make the biggest mistake of your life. So, great, you finally understand the blindingly obvious.”

Charlie watched me for a long moment, and then he said quietly, “Do you love him? That gorgeous guy I met at your apartment?”

“Yes. Absolutely, and with all my heart.”

“So you’re over me? Just like that, after eight years together? Eight years when you said you loved me?” There was pain in his voice.

“I had to get over you, Charlie. You dumped me, remember? And then you got engaged. Remember that part? Remember Callie? You moved on, and I did, too.”

“But I thought – ”

“What? That I’d still be waiting for you after you finally figured all this shit out? I already waited eight years, Charlie. Eight fucking years! You had every opportunity to build a life with me, and you chose not to.”

He studied the worn-out linoleum. And then he said, “I guess I did think you’d wait for me. I know that’s stupid, and arrogant. It’s just…it’s just that your love was such a constant in my life, Jamie. No matter how messed up I was, or how confused, no matter what I did wrong, you just went right on loving me. I took it for granted. I took you for granted. I guess some part of me believed that you’d always be there. That even after I got married, you’d still…you’d still be mine.” His voice had grown very quiet.

“Seriously?”

Charlie looked up at me. “Some part of me went on thinking that, right up until I met your new boyfriend. When I saw the two of you together – I’ve never felt so jealous in all my life, Jamie. I wanted to yell at him to get the fuck away from my man, and then I wanted to beat the shit out of him for touching you.”

“That’s completely messed up,” I told him. “You left me and I moved on. You don’t get to play the jealous boyfriend now – especially after all those years of trying to deny that we even were boyfriends.”

“I’ve always…I’ve had a really hard time accepting that I’m gay,” he said softly. I was totally shocked. That was the first time Charlie Connolly had ever admitted out loud that he was gay. “I used my family and my religion as an excuse, but the truth is, I was the one that had a hard time accepting myself.” Then he said, “I heard you came out to your family after we broke up, by the way. And I was so proud of you.”