Way Off Plan (Firsts and Forever 1)

“Really? Why?”

“Because it showed me what I’ve always known: you’re so strong, Jamie. It was always you, not me, that was the strong one, the brave one. You’re proving that big time now, coming out to your family, having an openly gay relationship. I heard you even came out at work. That must have been hard as hell in that kind of environment, but you did it. And here I am,” he said, running a hand over his mouth and again looking at the floor, “engaged to a woman I can’t love, not the way she needs me to. And, God, do you know what else I’m doing?” He looked up at me. “I went to work for my uncle’s exterminator business. How pathetic is that? Right now, I’m supposed to be at some lady’s condo, giving her an estimate on fumigating for a fucking flea infestation.”

I leaned forward and rested my hand on his forearm. “Charlie, this doesn’t have to be your life. You can fix it. Step one is to stop trying to please your parents, because you know what? Nothing you do is going to please them anyway. Sorry, but that’s the truth. They’re really bitter, unhappy people, and no matter what you do, they’ll always find fault with it.”

“I want to fix my life. I do. That’s why I’m here, to beg you to give me another chance, Jamie. Please? I’ll do so much better, I swear. I love you. And I need you so fucking much.” He took hold of my hands again, gripping them as he intently held my gaze.

Tears prickled behind my eyes, but I held them back. “It’s too late for you and me, Charlie,” I said gently. “But it’s not too late for you to get your life on track.”

He turned his face away from me as tears spilled down his cheeks. He was quiet for a while before whispering, “I’ve made such a mess of everything. I don’t know what to do.”

“For one thing, Charlie, end the engagement. You’re being unfair to Callie. She needs a man that loves her, for real, with all his heart. She’s a good person, and deserves that.”

“You’re right.”

“And why the fuck would you go to work for Uncle Al? The man’s a total douche bag, you and I both know that. Call him right now and quit.”

“And do what?” he asked, turning toward me again.

“Anything. Bag groceries. Wash cars. Who cares, as long as you get the hell away from Uncle Al and the goddamn flea infestations. I can’t actually imagine a worse job for you.”

He let out a choked little laugh. “You make it sound so easy.”

“It is. It is so fucking easy. Just as soon as you stop giving a shit what your family thinks, all the rest is a piece of cake.”

“Do you know the shit I’ve had to deal with for that job? This one house I had to go to was totally overrun with mice. Mice!”

“You’re terrified of mice,” I reminded him.

“I know. And you’re the only person that knows that. You know me better than anyone, Jamie. You’ve been my best friend since Sophomore year in high school. And God I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” I admitted. “I miss our friendship.”

He looked at me hopefully. “Do you think we can be friends again?”

“I don’t know.”

“I can learn to accept the fact that you’re with someone else now. It may take me, like, five or six years, but eventually I’ll come to grips with it,” Charlie joked, though his eyes reflected his sadness. “I just want you in my life, Jamie. I miss talking to you, spending time with you. If you don’t want to be my boyfriend, then ok. But please, can we try to be friends?”

“Do you really think we can do that? Be just friends, given our history? I mean, the fact that we’re holding hands right now doesn’t bode well, does it?”

He squeezed my hands and said, “You and Jess hold hands all the time.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Charlie – Jess and I were never in love.”

He let go of me and sat back as he said, “Ok. I can learn not to touch you. Eventually the urge to kiss you might even wear off.” He smiled sadly.

“See what I mean? How’s this supposed to work?”

“I have no idea. But I really want us to be friends, Jamie. You’re so incredibly important to me. And God, let’s face it, my life is a total fucking disaster without you in it.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” I said, grinning a little.

We sat there for a minute as I chewed my lower lip. And then Charlie glanced over his shoulder and said, “Your laundry’s done. I’ll help you switch it over.”

We both got up and shifted the wet clothes and linens to the wall of dryers, and Charlie commented, “You let your laundry go too long. You got all the way down to your Spongebob pajamas,” as he tossed them in a dryer.