“Are you hungry?” I asked Eli. He shook his head in response, but that was it.
I left Eli in the car while I checked in, but when I started to say two rooms, I glanced back and saw that he was still sitting in the exact same position, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings. “One room,” I said to the clerk. “Two beds,” I added. I wanted to keep an eye on Eli, but I needed to keep some distance so I could fucking think. Yesterday, I’d been so sure about my plan to leave Seattle for good, but between Jonas’s words about not telling fate to fuck off and Eli calling me out on my cowardice, the seeds of doubt had been planted.
Eli was on auto-pilot from the moment I parked the car in front of our room. He placed his things on one side of the long dresser, toed off his shoes and then went to the bed and crawled between the covers, putting his back to me. I spent a few minutes sending texts to Ronan and Mace to let them know everything was done and that we’d be flying out the next day, but I didn’t say anything about whether or not I would be joining Eli on the flight back. I set my phone on silent and then put it down on the nightstand. I stared at Eli’s back. I needed to leave him alone. But just like the night before, my body had a mind of its own and I went to his bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress so that my hip was pressed up against his backside.
“Eli,” I said softly. “Would you please look at me?”
Eli took several long seconds to finally roll over onto his back. I braced my hand on the bed next to his hip. “Tell me how to not hurt you anymore,” I whispered as I reached up to brush his hair from his forehead.
His dark eyes held mine for a long time and I was glad to see a little bit of light come back into them. “Promise me you’ll go back to Seattle. Even if it’s not tomorrow or if you have to wait till I’ve left, promise you’ll go back and give them a chance.” When I didn’t respond, Eli sat up and cupped my face. “They won’t turn their backs on you, Mav,” Eli whispered and then he kissed me gently. “Trust me, okay?”
I nodded, because my throat felt too tight for words. Eli swiped his thumb back and forth over my jaw a couple times before he released me and lay back down. I didn’t stop him when he turned back on his side. Anxiety rolled through me as I realized what I’d just agreed to and the jumble of emotions had me stumbling to my feet and searching out my bag. I’d take a shower to clear my head and then get some sleep. Then maybe I could figure everything out.
But as I reached for my bag which was sitting on the dresser near Eli’s, I saw the picture I’d discovered in my mother’s purse the night before when I’d gone through her personal possessions that the cops had given me. I hadn’t looked at the picture for more than a few seconds, despite the surprise of finding it in her purse. From the condition of the photograph, I could tell it had been handled numerous times. Without thinking about it too much, I grabbed the picture and took it with me as I headed for the bathroom. I turned on the water for the shower and while I waited for it to heat up, I sat down on the closed toilet and stared at the image of the woman who’d been the first one to teach me that I would never quite be enough.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Eli
As tired as I was, I couldn’t sleep. Because every time I closed my eyes, I could feel Mav’s lips against mine. It would be our last kiss. I knew it without a shadow of a doubt. This morning I’d been willing to give him any part of me he wanted or needed up until the moment he walked away from me. But seeing the hurt in his eyes as he asked me to tell him how to stop him from hurting me anymore had been proof that I couldn’t let it happen again. Maybe if I was better at hiding my emotions when he made love to me, or if I could keep from telling him that I loved him, it would be possible to have one more night with him. But the fact that I’d gone so far off the deep end after he’d admitted that he wasn’t even going back to Seattle to get his Harley, had been proof enough that I couldn’t separate my heart from the physical act of loving Mav.