Shattered (The Protectors 11)

Jace grabbed my arm and dragged me back to him, then walked me backward until I hit the bed. His heavy weight pushed me onto the mattress and he instantly pinned my hands beside my head. “I don’t fucking want Dalton!” he snapped. “Don’t you get it, Caleb? It’s you!” he practically snarled. “It’s only ever been you! You’re all I’ve ever wanted from the moment I met you.”

Before I could even respond, his mouth closed over mine. The kiss was harsh, but my body welcomed it anyway. But it ended way too soon.

“You were seventeen fucking years old,” Jace said, his voice quieter now. “You’d been brutalized in the worst way and I just wanted… I just wanted…”

“What?” I asked softly, some of my pain easing as I watched the helplessness flash in his eyes.

“I had to stay away,” he said hoarsely. “Don’t you understand?”

He didn’t give me a chance to answer. Instead, he shook his head violently. “I couldn’t go through that. Not again. Not with you.”

“Go through what?” I asked. His body was shaking on top of mine.

“I couldn’t love you and lose you like all the others. I just couldn’t… I can’t… I won’t.”

I held my breath. Had he just admitted he loved me? I knew the others he was talking about were the family members who’d all been stolen away from him.

I forced some oxygen into my lungs. “You wouldn’t talk to me,” I murmured. “We had that amazing moment when you… when we…” I cursed inwardly because tears began slipping down my face and with my hands pinned, I couldn’t do anything about that.

Jace released one of my hands and skimmed his thumb over my right cheek, then my left. I let out a watery laugh because it was just like him to do something like that.

“When we had sex,” Jace finished for me. “That’s what it was, Caleb. And it was perfect.”

“Then why didn’t you speak to me afterwards? I thought I’d hurt you – that I’d treated you like my father and Rush had—”

Jace kissed me. “Don’t,” he breathed against my mouth. “Don’t ever compare what happens between us to what those assholes did to you. I loved everything we did.” He kissed me again and I couldn’t help but kiss him back. “You want the simple answer?” he asked. “I freaked out. That may not seem like much of an explanation, but I was so fucking scared. And I had no clue what to do with that. There was no cutting it out… there was no fucking it away.”

“You could have talked to me,” I said softly.

“And say what? ‘Caleb, if I lose you I think it might very well kill me.’ ‘Caleb, I’m so in love with you that it feels like I can’t breathe with it sometimes.’ ‘Caleb, I’m so fucking clueless on what to say or do that will keep you with me forever.’”

I let out a harsh sob. “Yeah, for starters,” I said. I reached up to stroke his face. “God, I love you so much, Jace.”

He closed his eyes as if pained, then pressed his forehead against mine. “Caleb, if I lose you I think it might very well kill me,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “Caleb, I’m so in love with you that it feels like I can’t breathe with it sometimes.”

I smiled and settled my hand on the back of his head.

“Caleb, I’m so fucking clueless on what to say or do that will keep you with me forever.”

I pressed a kiss against his cheek and then pulled his mouth down to mine. “I love you, Jace.”

He sighed. “Love you, baby. So much,” he whispered, then he kissed me deeply. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

I kissed him to shut him up.

I welcomed his weight as he settled completely on top of me and buried his hands in my hair. The kiss turned raw and needy fast, which I was completely on board with. Jace was the one who pulled back, and when I tried to follow, he accepted my kisses, but refused to deepen them.

“Caleb, wait,” he insisted, then he was pulling me to a sitting position. “I need to move the boat out to open water. It’s not safe to spend the night in the marina.”

I sucked in a breath and nodded. I tried to get control of my raging lust while he went above deck to start the boat up. I busied myself with putting the burner phone away, but my mind was reeling too much to make it possible to sit still. I ended up going above deck. The cool air helped calm my libido, but I kept looking over my shoulder at Jace as he focused on getting us out of the inlet.

He loved me.

I couldn’t believe it.

As much as I’d loved hearing the words, everything seemed even more insurmountable now. Knowing that my happiness and well-being would have such a strong impact on another person was overwhelming. I glanced down at my arm. I couldn’t see the scars but I could feel them. They’d been so many things to me for so long.