Once in Every Life

He's knows, Jack thought tiredly. He knows what a feeble excuse for a father I am.

Then Caleb yawned and blinked heavily. His eyelids fluttered shut. With a final sputtering sound, he pushed his thumb in his mouth and laid his head on Jack's chest. He was asleep in moments.

Jack lay there, stiff as a knife blade, afraid to move lest he disturb the sleeping baby. He stared in awe at the small, black-haired head pressed so trustingly against his chest. An odd sense of peace slid through Jack's body as he

237

watched his son sleep. Without thinking, he brought his hand up and stroked Caleb's soft cheek.

He doesn't know, Jack thought suddenly. Caleb had no idea his daddy was a coward, and a crazy one at that. He didn't know Jack wasn't worthy of unconditional love. He knew only that without his parents, he was alone.

Try.

That's all Lissa had asked of Jack. That he try. Try to be a father, try to express his love for his children.

He wanted to. Christ, how he wanted to. But he was afraid. What if he tried and failed? Wasn't that worse than not trying at all? Better to be no parent, as his own father had been, than to be a father who hurt his children....

Try.

Don't do it. You'll fail. You'll hurt them all.

Of course he'd fail?that was a given. He'd failed at everything he'd ever tried.

They deserve better, Jack. He glanced down at Caleb, and this time it was Jack's eyes that filled with burning tears. Emotion curled around his heart and squeezed so hard, his whole body ached.

He swallowed thickly, tasting the metallic aftertaste of tears. He owed them a father who at least tried.

The way it was now, he was being the father he'd been taught to be. The realization sickened and shamed him. Hadn't he sworn not to extend the circle of pain begun by his own self-centered, silently cruel, unforgiving parents?

Hadn't he and Johnny sworn it together?

Johnny.

Jack let out his breath in a pain-filled sigh. He and Johnny had sworn to be good, loving parents. But Johnny never had the chance to fulfill that vow.

Jack had the chance, but he'd thrown it away. He was so afraid of failing, he'd never let himself even try. In church he'd vowed to make a new beginning.

238

Don't be afraid. Be a man. For once, be a man....

"Please, God," he murmured, "show me the way. Show me what to do...."

He closed his eyes and prayed. And for the first time in many, many years, he was absolutely certain someone was lis

tening.

Jack woke to the sound of laughter. He blinked sleepily and pushed up to one elbow, careful not to disturb Caleb, who was still sleeping peacefully against Jack's chest. He cradled the baby in his arms, staring down at his son's perfect, innocent face.

There was the sound of feet thumping down the hallway, then Katie burst breathlessly into the bedroom. "Hi, Daddy!" she said with a gap-toothed grin. "We got somethin' for you."

Savannah came up behind her sister, and she, too, was smiling broadly.

Jack lifted one eyebrow derisively. "Another surprise?"

Katie's smile fell, and Jack immediately cursed his thoughtless sarcasm. He forced a smile. "If it's half as good as the last one, I'll be happy."

Katie grinned again. "It is, really and truly."