Beauty in the Ashes

I stood up and sat on his couch while he got everything in order and changed his clothes. Things were changing between us. It bothered me, but I was powerless to stop it. We both seemed to be drifting away from each other. I was beginning to think he shouldn’t have gone back to his home. Then again, that might not have anything to do with it. It could just be…us.

“I’m ready,” Caelan said, shrugging his shoulders into a black sweatshirt that was far too large for his thin frame.

He didn’t have a car, so I ended up driving. I decided to head to Target first for decorations. I didn’t want a naked tree.

Caelan reluctantly trailed through the store with me. He appeared irritated, like he’d rather be doing anything else.

“Which one?” I asked him, holding up two lollipop ornaments in different colors.

“Uh…both?”

I sighed. This was pointless. I ended up picking out all the decorations on my own. Hopefully he’d be more excited about getting a tree. Probably not, but I could hope.

He helped me load the shopping bags into the trunk of my car and then put the cart away.

I stopped at the local nursery that sold Christmas trees.

We walked down row upon row of evergreens. “What do you think of this one?”

“It’s okay,” he shrugged.

“This one?”

“Nah.”

Pointing to another, I asked, “Do you like this one?”

“Sutton! They’re all fucking trees! They’re the same! Just pick one, so we can go!”

His words froze me. I looked around at the other people around us and they all gaped in surprise. One parent had slapped her hands over her kid’s ears.

“Fine,” I snapped, “I pick this one.”

“Good. Now we can go.” He grabbed the netting wrapped around it and dragged it behind him. I paid for the tree and the man working there helped us strap it to top of the car.

I wanted to be mad at Caelan, I really did, but I knew if the holiday time was hard for me, it had to be a thousand times harder for him. I was trying to understand, but it was difficult. I knew when I met Caelan that he was moody and at times impossible to get along with. In the past few weeks he’d been so much better that it was a bit of a shock to have to deal with this version once more.

Silence filled the car. Caelan rubbed his face and I knew he wanted to say something, but was struggling to find the right words. “I shouldn’t have acted like that,” he finally said after a few minutes had past.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” I agreed. “But you did.”

He sighed, staring out the window.

“I understand that Christmas is probably a hard time for you and—”

“It’s not just Christmas,” he interrupted. “It’s this whole time of the year. It’s supposed to be about family, and I don’t have one anymore. I lost them before Thanksgiving. I can’t help but think of them all the time right now. I mean…I never really stop thinking about them, but it’s harder right now. The wounds are deeper. Fresher.”

With my eyes on the road, I reached over and put my hand on his knee. “I understand, but you can’t keep carrying this baggage around with you. You have to let it go.”

He laid his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know. I do. It’s so hard though.”

That’s when I realized that I was in a better place than Caelan was. While what Marcus did to me would always leave lasting scars, I’d finally moved past it. Now, I was more hurt by my parent’s reaction than anything else. Telling Caelan had helped me heal even more, because he didn’t judge me. He’d listened to everything I had to say and comforted me. Since that day he’d never looked at me differently. He’d given me peace, but I saw now that I hadn’t really been able to do the same for him. I wanted nothing more than for him to let all this go and live his life happily. I worried that it might never happen.

???

“You know what would make this hot chocolate better?” Caelan asked, lifting the mug in the air, his nose crinkling in irritation.

“What?” I asked, hanging a silver snowflake ornament onto one of the spiky sprigs.