Rae?
I looked up and saw Cade smiling down at me. The dance was gone and we stood on the football field. A sparkle caught my eye and I gasped at the ring on my finger.
“Thank you for giving me forever…”
“And then I woke up,” I told Kathleen. “What do you think it means?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she sat back, crossing her legs. “All that matters is what it means to you.”
I bit my lip.
“You can tell me,” she continued. “This is a no judgment zone,” she waved her hands around, encompassing her office. I’d been coming to see Kathleen several times a week for three weeks now, so I knew she wasn’t kidding.
“I think it means I love him, that Cade’s the one...maybe Brett and I were never meant to be.” I fiddled with my fingers to have something to do. “I had my whole life planned out and then the accident happened and nothing made any sense.”
“Could you tell me more about the accident?” She pushed.
I sighed. There was no point in beating around the bush. Besides, I’d been whining to her about my woes for nearly a month now—might as well get to the point of all my problems.
“I was driving, got a text message, looked at my phone, crashed the car, and essentially murdered my boyfriend and best friends.” I tried to say the words casually, like it had no effect on me, but of course Kathleen knew better.
She tapped her fingers against the arm of the chair she occupied. “And that makes you feel guilty?”
“Of course it makes me feel guilty!” I exploded, the anger I felt rearing its ugly head. “I didn’t have to look at my phone! But then I go and have dreams like that and I hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me everything happens for a reason. So, then I wonder if I couldn’t have prevented what happened. But then I think that’s crazy, of course you could’ve prevented it by not looking at your fucking phone!” I gasped for air and sat back.
Kathleen watched me, not saying a word. “Texting and driving is a horrible thing, but it happened, Rachael. It happened, you’ve dealt with the consequences, and it’s time to move on. Hanging on to the past is pointless. It’s the past for a reason. It’s gone. Done. Over.” It was like she was trying to drill the words into my head.
“Sometimes I feel like they should’ve put me in jail.”
“Do you really think that would’ve solved your problems?” She countered with a raised brow.
“No,” I mumbled.
“It’s good that you feel remorseful for the accident, Rae. You’re not a killer.”
I closed my eyes. That’s exactly what I’d thought of myself for far too long.
“You were a girl who made a mistake. A mistake you’ve learned from.”
My lower lip began to tremble as sobs racked my body. “Sometimes I can still hear them screaming. I just want it to stop.” I wiped at my tears.
Kathleen reached out and clasped my hand. “You know how you make it stop?”
“How?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“You lay them to rest.” She said simply.
“Huh?”
“You have to accept that they’re gone,” she clarified. “Go to where they’re buried, say what you need to say, and be done with it.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” I stared at a water stain on the ceiling. Lowering my gaze, I mumbled, “What would I even say?”
“I can’t tell you that,” she shook her head, tapping her pen against her lips. “That’s something you have to figure out on your own.”
***
Thea buzzed around our dorm room with excitement. Nova sat on my bed watching her with an amused expression on her face. Even though we’d recently finished our project we still hung out anytime we could.