“We were on vacation,” I start. “I wanted to go horseback riding so we all went. Gabe didn’t really like it, and he kept saying he wanted to get off and not do it. I called him a baby.” I press my lips together, fighting the rush of emotions. “His horse got spooked and reared back, and he fell off. He hit his head and bled out. God, there was so much blood.” When I close my eyes, it’s like I’m back at that day, watching him bleed, and there’s nothing I can do and the last thing I ever said to him was that he was a baby and he needed to suck it up.
Dr. Long presses his finger to his lips. “I don’t see how this is your fault, Thea. You didn’t push him off the horse. It sounds to me like a freak accident.”
“If I hadn’t begged for us to go, we wouldn’t have been there.” I pause, gathering my breath. “And you know how they say horses can sense your emotions? I think that horse knew Gabe was scared and it made it antsy, and then … who knows.” I shrug. “All I know is that it was my choice that led us there.”
Dr. Long sits back in his chair. “Hmm.”
“What?” I ask. “Say it.”
“It seems like this could have easily happened some other way. For instance, what if Cade had suggested you go zip-lining, and the gear had failed and something had happened to Gabe that way. Would you expect Cade to blame himself for that?”
“No,” I whisper.
“And if Gabe had suggested horseback riding himself and something happened, would you have then blamed Gabe for his own death?”
“No,” I whisper again. “I would have said it was an accident.”
“Exactly.” Dr. Long smiles. “It was an accident. Nothing could have prevented it.”
“I feel so guilty,” I sob.
The warmth of Cade’s arms wrap around me. “Please, don’t feel guilty,” he begs.
“Do you have anything you’d like to say, Lauren?” Dr. Long asks my mom.
My mom wipes a tear from her eye. “I think we’ve all been carrying a lot of guilt about Gabe. I blamed myself, thinking if I’d left Malcolm we wouldn’t have even been there. I hadn’t even wanted to go on that vacation, but I had to do whatever he said.” She laughs humorlessly. “God,” she groans. “I was so stupid to stay with him.”
“Stupid,” Dr. Long repeats. “Why did you stay with him then?”
She presses her lips together and then sighs. “Fear. I was afraid he’d hurt me if I left. Or hurt the kids more than he already had. I was scared I’d have to share custody and I wouldn’t be able to protect them. But as it is, I wasn’t able to protect them even when I was there. Again, I was too scared to even stick up for my children, and that makes me as much of a monster as him.”
Dr. Long steeples his fingers together. “I’m not saying what you did was right, because there is no right or wrong in your situation, but you did what you had to do to survive. All of you have.”
“I want him gone from our lives for good,” I whisper. I look my mom straight in the eye and say, “I don’t want any of us to ever speak to him again. He doesn’t deserve the right to be our dad.”
She nods. “I’m not going back,” her voice cracks.
“Promise me,” I beg. “Promise.”
“I promise,” she whispers.
This time, when I breathe out, my chest feels lighter than it has in years.
Thea and I walk the streets of downtown Denver, hurrying to keep up with the realtor.
Anna Walker might be five foot two and wearing six-inch heels, but the woman mows through the people on the street, leaving Thea and me in her dust.
“How does she move her little legs so fast?” Thea hisses under her breath.
“I have no idea.”
Anna stops in front of shiny steel doors. “The first place is on the top floor of this building.”
I grab the door and let her and Thea in first.
“Whoa,” Thea gasps. “This lobby is gorgeous.”
Everything is shiny black and chrome, giving it a modern industrial vibe.