“Shall we go, my lady?” Ben offers as we walk to an ancient and beat up Ford F-150.
Giggling—what the hell? I don’t giggle. That was stomped out of me in finishing school. “Yes,” I reply.
“Derrick told me you and Zoey have known each other for years.”
Climbing into the passenger seat, I offer, “we went to boarding school together.” And then more softly, I add, “Zo saved me.”
“She saved you?”
“Forget I said anything.”
Placing a hand on my leg, Ben says, “Trust me Suzie, I want to know everything about you.”
The sincerity in Ben’s voice throws me off. It’s an emotion I’m unfamiliar with. One I’ve only ever heard from Zoey. Because despite the fact I’ve been surrounded by others my entire life, I’ve been alone. I’ve been ignored, unless it suits others, plus, I’ve pretty much isolated myself. Preferring solace and my computer to the company of others. Aside from Zoey, it’s a rarity for anyone to care. So, Ben’s words and behavior are unsettling. And my mumbled, “you really don’t,” doesn’t go unnoticed because Ben squeezes my leg to let me know he heard me.
“I’ll tell you what, doll. You be up-front with me and I’ll do the same.”
“What are you about?”
“Woman, I just want to get to know you.”
“You want to know me? Why?”
“Because I need someone. Someone that has my back and can accept me for me. Someone I can trust and believe in.”
The truth in his words both shock and frighten me. Where I was looking for a free meal for the night, Ben was looking for a friend. A partner. Someone to love. And even then, as I was contemplating my escape, all I could do was thank God and pray he never sees the heart of me.
If I have learned anything from Zoey, it’s that the fairies and ladybugs work in mysterious ways, and for some unforeseen reason, Ben Anderson has chosen me to share his life with him.
“Are you lost, Ben?”
“Yes.”
“For how long, and how can I help?”
“For a long time now,” he offers as he looks out the window. Looking straight ahead he finishes with, “Be my friend.”
Which is exactly what we were. Friends.
For a year I watched the man I love flirt, date, fuck, and then move on. Throughout everything, I was his constant. Watching my Ben, my love, go through sorority girl after sorority girl all but killed me. And yes, I was the sidekick. The quirky, off-center, freaking sidekick.
I had to endure dumb blondes—no offense—ridiculous brunettes, and outrageous redheads throw themselves at my guy. The amount of hair tosses, giggles, and pathetic passes made my stomach churn and vomit rise up my throat.
So, I may, or may not have used my computer skills to make sure those girls were unsuccessful. Their GPAs might have dropped, and eventually they failed out of a class, or three. I know, God don’t like ugly, but you can’t blame a girl. Really, having to be the constant fifth wheel sucked. A girl had to retaliate.
Again, don’t judge, I was the one Ben came to when those relationships went sideways. And I couldn’t blame him, because really, I refused to walk away. It also didn’t help that Zoey and Derrick were still going strong. Just another slice to my already fragile ego. Because not only did I have to witness Ben’s adventures firsthand, I had to hear about them from our friends.
This is when I thanked my parents for my shitty, independent upbringing. Because I stayed my course, gathered information, put a smile on my face, and trudged along. Ever hoping he’d realize I was the girl for him. The most frustrating thing of all, Ben proved to be noble, intelligent, and generous. He was everything I ever wanted.
I should have felt some guilt when it came to my devious ways, but honestly, I have none. After all, Ben has always been mine. And I would do it all over again.
My father places my hand into Ben’s and the all too familiar tingles race up my arm and rest at the base of my neck. Ben’s hand encompassing mine is comforting. His “Wow, Suz, you look fucking amazing,” has the entire church erupting in laughter. This is my Ben. The one who always puts people at ease over his own discomfort. He gives me a wink and my hand a quick squeeze in reassurance.
Ben is my home. After years of being the outcast, today, surrounded by Zoey and Derrick and with Bennie at my side, I have found my home.
I always knew he was going to be my everything, I simply didn’t know to what extent. This man, who is a leader on the field to his teammates and in his daily life, defers to no one. He stands proud, feet firmly on t
he ground and defiant. To the world, Ben Anderson is the game. The quarterback. To those he loves, he is so much more. His love is palpable, and I am grateful that with all my wrongs he is still standing beside me. Because despite everything, Ben is the one person I ran from, but eventually held tight and stayed true to.