“You should see it in the summer. It’s filled with all kinds of wildflowers. I used to make my mom a bouquet of flowers when I would leave. She always had a soft look on her face when I did, and it made me so proud I put the look there.”
“Your mom sounds pretty special,” she remarks.
Her hand goes to my knee and starts tracing patterns there.
“She is.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “She wants to meet you.”
Her shocked gaze swings to mine. “Really?”
I nod, and hope she doesn’t start freaking out. I still get the sense that she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop between us. I’m not going to let it happen. I’ll superglue those fuckers to our feet if I have to.
“You’ve told her about me?” she asks suspiciously.
“Not what you’re thinking. That’s none of her business. I just told her I’ve met someone that I really like.”
She looks from me and back to the stream, her brows dipped down into a frown. I reach out and smooth the wrinkle away and she looks back at me.
“I need a bit more time before we go that route.”
It’s not the answer I was hoping for, but it’s not a no, either. I’ll take what I can get right now, and hope I can make her see I’m not going anywhere.
We sit in silence for a while, taking in the beauty surrounding us. She keeps her hand on my thigh, still drawing designs on my jeans.
“How many?” I ask out of the blue. She looks at me in question and I elaborate. “How many kids do you want?”
My question surprises her. Her mouth drops open comically, and I almost laugh. The surprise doesn’t last long, though. It’s soon replaced by sadness.
As she’s known to do, she tries to pull away from me, and again, I tug her back.
“Colt—” she starts, my name a painful plea on her lips.
“Hey.” I turn her face toward mine. “It was just a question. I’m not suggesting we go right now and make a baby, although the act itself would be highly arousing.” I insert a wink, hoping to bring a smile to her face. It doesn’t work. If anything, it makes her sadder. I want to kick myself.
“It’s just…” she shakes her head before continuing. “I’ve always wanted kids, a whole house full of them, but I never thought I could.”
“Because of your addiction?” I ask quietly, rubbing my hand down her back soothingly.
“Yes. There’s no way I could bring a child into the world, knowing that I may one day cheat on their father. Not to mention, I couldn’t very well ask someone to babysit while I go out and have sex with random strangers.”
I nearly growl at the image of her having sex with some random guy, but I push it away.
“I understand your reasoning, but I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. You’re stronger than what you think, Abby.” Before she can protest, I add, “Have you noticed the last two weeks that you haven’t had one episode?”
I can see the wheels turning in her head as she thinks. Elation brightens her face, before it’s wiped clean with a look of dejection.
“That’s only because you’ve been there, and have been able to stave off the cravings before they start.”
“That’s true, but you said yourself you feel them all day. I always know when you’re in pain, and I haven’t seen that look on your face all week. Do you still feel it during the day?”
“Yes, it’s still there, but doesn’t seem to be as pronounced, but like I said, that could be because you’re there before they get bad. Maybe my body is just shutting down on itself and realizing the strain it’s been through. That doesn’t mean it won’t come back full force like it was before.”
I lay her back against the thick grass and loom over her, dipping down for a brief kiss, before pulling back.
“How about we just take it one day at a time and not question it? Who knows what the future will hold. Who’s to say it will come back? There’s no way to know that, but if it does, we’ll handle it.”
Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine, thinking about my words. I see hope in her gaze, but I also see fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being disappointed, fear of being let down.
Just as I told her, none of us know what the future holds, but I do know that no matter what happens, I’ll be there by her side, and we’ll get through it together. There’s no way I’ll let it be anything other than that.