“I-I can do it,” I chatter, gripping the insides of my legs. I close my eyes and groan when another cramp hits. I’m freezing cold, but I can also tell my skin feels hot.
He ignores my words and steps up to me, grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling upward.
“Stop.” My voice comes out weak, just like I’m feeling.
“Abby,” Nathan calls, and I open my eyes. His are imploring me to let him help. He feels just as helpless as me. “We won’t do anything you don’t want to do. I’ll stand outside the shower, but we need to cool you down. You’re burning up.”
“I d-don’t want y-you to see me n-naked,” I stutter out. I hate feeling so fucking weak. This is why I’ve built a steel wall around myself, only letting certain people in. Nathan is one of them, but right now, it bothers me that he’s seeing me like this.
“I’ve seen you naked before. This time won’t be any different,” he replies, watching me closely.
I shake my head, then regret it when bile threatens to come up. My throat does that uncontrollable swallow thing it does right before throwing up, but I push it away. I need Nathan to understand.
“It’s d-different. It doesn’t f-feel right n-ow. Blue—”
“He’ll understand, Abby.” His eyes hold understanding. “Let’s get you in the shower and into bed. We’ll come up with something to do after then, okay??
??
“Yeah,” I whisper hoarsely.
I can’t look in his eyes as he pulls my shirt over my head. His fingers graze over my sensitive skin, and I can’t help the moan that slips out. My body is demanding I arch forward into his touch. And then I feel guilty. I’m not entirely sure what Nathan said was true. I can’t picture Blue being okay with Nathan being alone with me right now while I’m half naked. And I can’t fault him for that. It doesn’t feel right for me, either. No one should see me naked, except Blue. Either Nathan doesn’t hear my moan or he chooses to ignore it. Either way, I’m grateful he doesn’t say anything about it. He unsnaps my bra and brings the straps down my arms. My hands automatically go to cover my breasts. He acts very clinical and doesn’t look at me unless it’s necessary, but I still feel the need to cover myself.
“Can you stand?” he asks.
“Y-yes.”
I speak too soon, because as soon as my feet hit the floor, my knees buckle. The downward motion of my body and the abrupt stop from Nathan catching me is too much for my stomach to handle. I lean over and spew my lunch from earlier all over Nathan’s shirt.
“Shit,” Nathan mutters.
Once my stomach is empty, I wipe my mouth against my arm and lean my forehead against Nathan’s chest to catch my breath, not caring it’s right above the mess I made. My hands go to his sides, my nails digging into the muscles. I want so badly to just stop all the pain and ask him to fuck me, but my heart won’t allow it. As much as my body needs it right now, I won’t give in. I just… can’t. I can’t do that to Blue.
“Sorry,” I slur.
“Don’t apologize.”
I open my eyes, and the first thing I see is the hard ridge in Nathan’s pants. My eyes focus on it, my body aching even more with need at being so close to what it wants. I’m so tired of being overruled by my body. So damn tired of this need that never fully goes away. Even now, my hands are itching to reach out and unbuckle his belt, ready to beg for relief. I squeeze my eyes shut to block out the image. When I do, Blue pops in my head, and the ache goes to my chest.
Nathan’s hands rub up and down my bare back. It’s meant to be in comfort, but all it’s doing is making my body needier. I step back from him on wobbly legs, the nausea at bay for the moment, but the cramps still painfully gripping my stomach. My heart pounds and my whole body quivers.
I look up at Nathan and see desire mixed with guilt in his own eyes. He’s a man, and my breasts are bared to him. Of course he’s going to be turned on, even if I did just puke all over him.
“Abby,” he whispers. “I’m so fucking sorry. I fucking hate this for you. I hate seeing you like this.”
The temptation is so great to take him up on his silent offer to help me, I take a step forward. I know he doesn’t want to do this, just as much as I don’t want to. He knows it’ll only hurt me in the long run. But I also know he’d be willing to do it, just to take the pain away. I know I’m not thinking straight. My body has taken over, damning my heart to hell. Nathan whips his shirt off and tosses it carelessly to the floor. My eyes zero in on the tight muscles of his chest and stomach, then travel down to the one part of his body I want the most. The ache between my thighs increases, making my resolve to not touch Nathan weaken. I don’t know why I’m fighting this. It’s not like after tonight Blue will be in the picture anymore anyway. Why am I putting myself through this pain when I don’t need to? Does it truly matter if I stay away, when it’s already over between us? I feel like I’m going insane. My body is wired to have sex, and it feels like I’m depraving it of its life-giving essence, as if it’ll die if I don’t give it what it needs to survive.
My nails bite into my palm and my teeth dig into my bottom lip, hoping the pain in either will stop me from moving forward. But it doesn’t. My feet move before I can stop them. Nathan doesn’t reach out to me as I lay my hands on his chest. He’s letting me lead. At the first touch of his warm skin, the cramps in my stomach lessen. I don’t look up at him as I let my fingers roam down his rippling abs toward his belt. Tears trickle down my cheeks as my fingertips linger on the buckle. I hate myself more in this moment than I ever have before. I curse my body to hell for what I’m about to do. A soft sob escapes my lips, and my heart splits open wide and turns to dust as I yank open Nathan’s pants, reaching inside to palm his ready and willing cock.
Chapter Thirteen
Colt
I tap restlessly on the steering wheel as I wait for the damn light to change. I’d just run it, but there happens to be a fucking police car behind me at the moment. I glare in my rearview mirror and silently curse him. My patience to get to Abby is a hairsbreadth away from snapping. Glancing at the time on my truck stereo has my jaw clenching. It’s ten minutes to eleven.
I reach up and yank open the top three buttons of my shirt, trying to get more air in my lungs. I can’t even imagine what Abby is going through at the moment. One thing I refuse to believe is that she’s having sex with another man. There’s no way I’ll let that thought filter through my mind. I have faith in her ability to hold off until I get there. I just hate myself for the pain I know she’s going through. She’s tried hiding it, but I’ve seen the subtle hints that the pain is getting worse again. I saw the sadness in her eyes. The hope I know she felt at thinking it was going away is slowly fizzling out. I myself can’t help but be disappointed by it as well. But it still won’t make a difference. I don’t care if she has to have sex ten times a day to find relief. I’ll be there every damn time and enjoy every damn second.
Finally, the light turns green, and I have to force myself not to push the gas pedal to the floor. Luckily, the police car turns a couple miles down the road. As soon as he’s out of sight, I speed up. I’m five miles away, but it seems like a hundred. When I first made it to town, I went straight to Blackie’s, only to discover from Tegan that she had already left. I didn’t let the knowledge that she left with Nathan get to me. I know she would never sleep with him as long as we’re together. I’m not the only one that feels the intense connection between us. I’ve seen the way Abby looks at me. She may try, but she can’t hide what she feels for me. And thank fuck for that, because my feelings far exceed anything I’ve ever felt for another woman before. I want to cocoon her in my arms, take away all her pain, and never let her go.