Hooking Up With My Dad's Best Friend

“But that’s not the way the world works, is it? We don’t get a choice about who we are or the circumstances that we’re from. And it sucks. But we didn’t get to choose that.

“God, what are we doing to each other?”

Bryce looks at me in utter shock. “What are we doing to each other? Nothing. We’re not harming anything by wanting this. God, Katti, take a second and think, please, about exactly what I’m doing to you. Or what you’re doing to me.

“The only thing we’re doing right now is causing each other pain because we’re not together. Don’t you realize how badly I want you? How this is destroying me?”

I stare at him, because it’s Bryce, and I know when he’s telling the truth.

“I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you, Katti. And I wouldn’t change a damn thing about our lives because they brought us together—even if it was later than we liked. I’m stuck on you, and it’s not just going to go away because you say it’s over.”

I should say something back to him, but I can’t find the words. My voice dried up entirely in my throat and all I can do is stare at the man I’ve always loved, and who I’ve always wanted to love me.

He laughs, but it’s bitter and full of pain. “I don’t know how you act like it’s so easy to just stop feeling.”

“Easy?” I ask, shocked. “None of this has been easy.”

“Could have fooled me, Katti. But know this: I can’t just turn it off. No matter how much separation or distance you jam between us, I’m still going to feel the way I do. You can run all you want, but I think it’s the same for you.

“And I’ll be here when you realize it. I swear it. I will always be here.”

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. All I’ve ever wanted is to hear him say those words. It’s all I want now. And for the briefest of seconds, I let myself imagine that everything will be all right. That I should ignore the look on my father’s face and close the distance between us, step into Bryce’s arm and never look back.

Oh, what a world that would be. A whole new life, where we could fit together the way we thought that we might. The tears I didn’t want to come flood my eyes and I have to look away. But that’s painful too, and I look at him again. Bryce scrubs his hand through his hair. “How can something that makes us both this miserable be the right thing, Katti? If you’ve changed your mind, tell me now. If you had me and realized that I’m not actually what you want, just say so. It will hurt, but I’ll survive. If that’s the case, you don’t need to pretend that it’s for the sake of other people.

“If you’re scared, I understand that too. The idea of this is scary. Putting ourselves there and trusting the other person is frightening. But I want to do it anyway. I’m all in, Katti. Please don’t leave me alone out here.”

They are beautiful words, and ones that stick straight into my soul. I can still feel him inside me. Still taste him on my lips. And I want him so desperately to be mine. But he can’t be. I can’t erase the look on my father’s face from my mind.

“They’re waiting for us,” I say, voice thick with the things I want to say and can’t.

As soon as I walk inside, I swear I feel colder than I did in the night air.

14

Bryce follows me inside, and he’s a brilliant actor. He acts like nothing in the world is wrong, talking and laughing with his friends. But this time, he doesn’t look at me. We don’t continue our rivalry through the game, both us of playing moderately well.

My dad is distinctly quiet. I try to speak with him and engage, but all I get are one word or short answers in return. He plays the worst of all of us, completely distracted. Anxiety rolls in my stomach about what he might be thinking, or trying to figure out.

Bryce was right about one thing—Dad didn’t catch us directly in the act. We were covered and not touching. But that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t obvious what was happening. Obviously it’s not something that I can ask him about right now, here in front of everyone. I have to wait, and the suspense is absolute torture.

I come in third, Bryce comes in fourth, and Dad comes dead last. He takes the good-nature ribbing from his friend with enough of a smile that I can see he’s not completely gone. Bryce doesn’t even look at me as he leaves, which is good, even if it feels like being stabbed in the chest.