All her defensive anger fell away, leaving a heart that began beating wildly. She reminded herself that he was just a very protective man with a ferocious sense of responsibility. This wasn’t personal.
“Aleksy, I grew up here. Right here.” She pointed to the ceiling where two floors up she had shared an attic bedroom with a number of different girls over the years. “To get a workspace in this building, where wards of the state live, I had to pass about a million background checks. That’s how serious they are about security. I’m living next door to the police chief. The bus driver greets me by name and his wife sells me eggs. Where do you want me to live that you think I’d be safer?”
He had his unmarked cheek to her and she saw how utterly beautiful he would have been if both sides of his face matched. When he swung his face around, she was almost relieved to see the scar. It made him human and reachable. Mortal.
His jaw worked as though he wanted to say something but thought better of it. A long minute of silence drew out, pulling her nerves taut.
“You’re happy, then?” he finally asked, cheek ticking.
She hugged her coat around her as she shrugged. “It’s a little like I’ve come home, even though…” She frowned, searching for the words. “I feel good because I know I’ll make positive changes for the children here, but it’s still a place that makes me sad. I wish…” She had to press her lips together to keep them from quivering. “I wish they all had proper homes to go to.”
He nodded and the empathy in his expression was more than she could bear. A lump lodged in her chest and she looked away.
After a moment, she found a wry smile even though it was the last thing she felt like doing. “I’m not used to checking in with anyone, you know that. I should have at least told Lazlo not to pay the rent on an empty flat. Sorry about that.”
“The money doesn’t matter.” Aleksy seemed to consume her with his eyes. He’d accomplished his goal, so she wondered why he didn’t leave. She was safe here, but the longer he lingered, the more danger she felt. She ached to touch him. Give herself over to him. Again.
Sucking in a breath, he asked a question that shocked her. “Are you seeing anyone?”
“A man? No!”
Aleksy’s chuckle rasped her nerves. “Why do you say it like that?”
“Because—” Clair’s heart clenched. She felt her eyebrows pull together in a pained frown and turned to the windowsill to hide it, tracing some long ago child’s initials carved into the wood. She couldn’t find her voice to continue.
“You told me that’s what you wanted.” He sounded confused.
“I did. I do! I’m just not ready yet.” She wasn’t over him yet.
He didn’t say anything. She found the courage to glance back at him and found him eating her alive with his eyes, a tortured expression on his face.
He still desired her. It made her insides quiver with yearning. She felt the same way. Pulled.
“Aleksy, don’t,” she pleaded softly, increasing his agitation.
“I know, I know. Not with me.” He grimaced.
The bottom dropped out of Clair’s world. She wasn’t sure if she understood. “Aleksy,” she said haltingly, his name like honey on her tongue, “I thought you understood… Oh, I wish I could make you believe that you’re as entitled to happiness as anyone. Why do you have to say that? ‘Not with me.’”
“You said that,” he countered harshly.
“When?” But even as she said it, she remembered and closed her eyes.
“That last day in the kitchen,” he growled. “You went off about how I should subscribe to the Happy Ever After channel, but not with me.”
“Why on earth would I say with me when I’d just gotten off the phone with Lazlo and knew you were already sending me away?” she cried, aghast at how her voice cracked, revealing the stunning pain that still reverberated through her when she recalled it. “You didn’t even want me as a mistress anymore.”
She clenched her teeth, throat scraped raw as she thought of how she’d laid it on the table as plain as she’d been able. He’d stared at her with that same impenetrable stoniness he turned on her now.