The way she says this, I know she needs this. She needs to know she doesn’t have to fear me.
I stare.
She does, too. Her chest rises and falls rapidly, she’s nearly hyperventilating. Fuck.
Fuck, this hurts.
“You should never be afraid of me,” I say. “I’m trusting you. I trust you. I’m trusting that you know you need a little space and I’m trusting you to carefully consider everything between us before you make any rash decisions. Everything, Violet. Think long and hard.”
She stares, panic-stricken still. I need her to get this. I need her to understand.
“But know this, Violet. We didn’t go through all of this to not get our happy ending. We’re not done. Do what you need to do right now to get clarity knowing I trust you, but know that I’m not done. Know that I love you and I won’t ever be done with you. I meant my vows to you and it felt like you meant yours, too. I did not want to hurt you. I never wanted you to find out. I’m sorry you did.”
Her face crumbles even more. Her shoulders shake as she covers her face.
I keep talking. “I love you not because of him, because of you. You and me. I love everything about you. We’re gonna have a beautiful life together, baby.”
I blow out another breath. “Take the time you need. Be smart. And do not make any decisions about anything without talking to me. Not anybody but me. I trust you, baby.”
She’s stopped clawing at her neck but it’s still out in a mottled pattern of hives and blotches. So is the skin around her collar bones. Her upper chest.
This is my fault.
And I can’t believe she’s reacting this way, but I have to wrap my head around it because that’s the reality.
What was I expecting her to do? Be okay with all of that? I wasn’t expecting anything because she wasn’t supposed to know. My judgement has been clouded by my anger and now here we are. I always calculate risk and factor the outcome in case things go wrong. Except this time. I never factored her finding out. Never thought about how she’d look at it.
“Did you do something to Ray’s mom for showing up at my work?” she asks, not looking at me.
“She’s only being harmed if it’s due to her own doing.”
She frowns.
Another nail in the coffin?
“No more lies, Killian. I need honesty. I really do, no matter how ugly.”
“Okay,” I agree. “She’s been sent away but she’s alive. That’s the truth.”
She looks at me with doubt.
“Didn’t lay a finger on her, baby. But people who could fuck me over have to be dealt with.”
“If I leave right now, am I fucking you over?”
I shake my head. “I’m giving you space. You’re not leaving me. I’m giving you what you need right now because I don’t ever, fucking ever want to cause you to react like that to me again. Reacting to me the way you did to him? Not okay. You should not be afraid of me. I’m your husband and it’s my job to protect you. That’s what I’ve been doing and what I’ll keep doing.”
Her eyes are filled with sorrow as she swallows hard and blows out a long breath. She thinks she’s leaving me.
I fight every urge I’ve got right now so I can give her what she needs. I fight the urge to hold her tight, to keep her with me. To do whatever it takes to convince her that this is where she belongs.
“Be safe. Be smart, Violet,” I say.
Her chin trembles.
Does she take that as a threat?
I don’t know; I don’t elaborate. Instead, I go against all my instincts and make myself leave the room.
15
Violet
“Going to Susanna’s?” he asks.
He’s on the couch, a glass of booze in his hand, darkness in his expression. It looks and feels ominous. And painful. This hurts so much.
I’m at the doorway with a suitcase and my purse. Enough for a week. I guess I’ll figure the rest out later.
I nod.
“The Rover is still at the beach house. I’ll drive you.”
“I’m taking a rideshare,” I say. “Please stop recording me at work and wherever else.”
“We’ll talk soon,” he says. “I’ll have it parked at your office tomorrow so it’s there when you finish work.”
“You don’t have to,” I whisper. “You shouldn’t have bought it for me. I don’t need it.”
“It’s yours, Violet. I’ll have it parked at your office tomorrow. Come back when you’re ready. I mean it. Don’t stay away a second longer than you need to. I love you.”
“I…”
I don’t know how to finish the sentence. I love you too doesn’t feel right, because I don’t know how I feel right now other than devastated and it feels like it’d be a terrible thing to say back to him while he looks at me with all that pain on his face.