“Why don’t you want me?” Arik murmured softly into Kellus’s hair, not meaning to say the words aloud.
“You’re all I want,” Kellus whispered into the darkness. He didn’t move, maybe not even taking a breath. Arik searched for the missing meaning, not fully understanding. Something wasn’t connecting. Kellus said one thing, yet his actions conflicted with his words, but Kellus wasn’t a liar.
Minutes passed before Arik responded. “How can that be? Make me understand. Please.” Arik kissed the back of Kellus’s head, knowing he was too far gone. He’d suffer through being second, just the scraps of Kellus’s life, no matter how degrading that would be. He just needed to have Kellus any way he could have him.
“It’s…complicated.” Kellus sighed.
“I don’t understand.”
“I… Arik… We were always better as friends…” Kellus’s words hung in the air.
Arik’s breath caught in his throat as his heart shattered into a million pieces at Kellus’s confession. He tightened his hold on the man he loved, the man he wanted a life with. He couldn’t breathe. The crushing weight of those words held him paralyzed. He wasn’t able to speak nor was he able to let go of Kellus. Arik wanted to rage that they had never been friends in the first place. It had always been more, so much more. At least to him. But he didn’t have the chance to do or say anything, because Kellus continued explaining.
“I realized a while ago that I was ultimately responsible for John’s actions. He didn’t want this life like I did. I’m not really sure he ever truly wanted anything I wanted. I was just all he had. If he hadn’t gone along with the relationship, he’d have been left with nothing. Does that make any sense?”
Confusion set in as he found his voice. “You were better off friends with me or John?” he asked, terrified of the answer. Kellus turned in his arms and Arik didn’t make it easy as tightly as he held on to his lover.
They shared a pillow. Lying so close to one another, they shared each other’s air, Kellus’s handsome face within inches of his. He never let his artist be this close without kissing his lips, and he raised his hand, running his palm along Kellus’s cheek until his fingers tangled in his hair.
“I thought I loved John, but then I met you. And how I felt about John can’t compare on any level to what I feel with you. The depth of my love for you scares me. I don’t know how to process all this I’m feeling, but I swear I’m trying. Then, with thinking about my past, I realized I was the one to push at John for a relationship. Had we just remained friends, maybe he could have found the happiness he’s always searched for. I held him back. I feel like I forced the relationship between us, and it became toxic and ultimately took us right here to this point. I’m just trying to be the friend I should have been for all those years. If he can get better, maybe he can find someone who loves him as much as I love you. And maybe that man will make him want to be a better person.”
Relief flooded his heart and the weight on his chest lifted. “Kellus, baby, you’re such a good man.”
“I’m not though. Not really. Has to be my fault,” Kellus mumbled, regret resonating in his voice.
“But it’s not your fault.”
Kellus lifted enough to peg him with a serious look before giving him his back again.
“You’re so freaking hardheaded and that moral code you live by is seriously impenetrable,” Arik grumbled, happily kissing Kel’s neck. “I love you like that, too. I don’t like the fighting we’ve been doing. I’ll admit I’ve been jealous.”
“You don’t need to be jealous. You’re all I see.” Kellus’s words came out slurred and incomplete, but Arik understood his meaning. He smiled into Kel’s hair.
“Sleep. I’m sorry I woke you. I just can’t sleep without you there. I’m exhausted. I just got back into town again. I haven’t slept since I left here two days ago.”
“I took something to sleep. I’m so tired, can’t think. Hope you’re here in the morn…” Kel’s sleep-heavy voice trailed off.
“Shhh… Sleep, babe.” Before he even got his words out, he could hear Kellus’s soft snores, but Arik couldn’t sleep. He lay there, holding his love after hearing the sweetest confessions from his artist. On so many levels, he felt like such a heel. Kellus had been carrying all this around with him and he’d never known. He’d been so caught up in his own jealousy over John that he’d missed the signs, and it crushed him to know he’d hurt Kellus even more.
He looked over at Kellus resting peacefully. Arik pushed up from the bed and bent over his sleeping beauty to kiss his cheek.