Hard Freak

“It is a big deal. Every opportunity is a chance to make more fans. I need to grab those chances with both hands.”

He shrugged. “It’s about the music, nothing else.”

I scoffed. “You don’t know much about the music industry if you think that. It’s okay for you, sitting back there behind your drums. Do you think you guys would’ve made it this far without Damo pushing?”

“That might be true, but you don’t need to push so much.”

He could say that, but I was the one out front, the one everyone watched. I guessed if he didn’t understand that, there was no point explaining. I wondered if he saw this game differently than I did. To me, the music was important, but it was just one element. I couldn’t separate those things. I’d never be one to take things easy or let them run their natural course. Pushing was what I did best.

Before I could think too much, though, it was time to go on.

I stood up.

“Do I look perfect?” I asked. I rushed to the mirror.

“You look fine,” Polly said.

Again with that word. Fine would never be enough for me.

Chapter 23

THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN Paris were as close to perfect as they could be. Crow and I got up early every morning and hit the streets. Then we’d get to the arena to play. Every night, he’d come to my room, and we’d fool around. He never spent the night in my room again, instead leaving to sleep in his own bed.

“Come on, you can stay,” I said when he tried to leave that night. “It’s not a huge deal.”

“It’s a huge deal to me,” he answered. “Go slow, remember?”

I sighed, and he kissed me. His kisses stole the words right out of me. I could hardly argue with his lips on mine. I hated it when he left, though. I craved the warmth of his body against mine and his arms around me. I guessed that time would come soon, but not nearly soon enough for me.

When he broke the kiss, I wanted to ask him again, hold on to him and force him to stay with me, but I hesitated. I didn’t want him to stay the night with me because I’d nagged at him or because I’d tricked him and or I’d worked it too hard. There’d be no fun in that. I wanted him to stay with me because he was so overcome with lust for me that he wouldn’t even consider anything else.

As much as I cared for him, I wondered if there was something wrong with our relationship that made it so easy for him to leave me after a few kisses. He said it wasn’t easy, that it took all his self-control, but he still did it. Surely, a man overcome with love wouldn’t move so slowly. They’d want to explore every inch of my body. Their need would be so urgent that they couldn’t wait to rip my clothes off.

I didn’t want to be the one pushing everything in this relationship. As much as I believed in going for what you wanted, I needed some of that “going for it” coming from the other direction too. He could talk about going slow, but a glacier would move faster, and, meanwhile, my body ached for more.

Every time he left me, I almost wept with frustration. I was all fired up and ready to go, then nothing happened.

We never even advanced far past kissing. I didn’t need the full deal, just a bit more hand or mouth action. But he didn’t even want to go that far.

After he left, I closed the door behind him, then leaned against the door frame. Did he have any idea how much it tortured me every time he left? I’d lie awake for hours, wondering what I’d done wrong, if there was something missing in me.

This whole going-slow thing made sense in theory, but in practice, it always felt like a rejection.

The next morning, before I went to breakfast, I got a message. It was the girl I’d thought was Crow’s sister. I hadn’t heard from her after the first message, so I’d been worried I’d said the wrong thing.

Jeez, she was in Paris. She’d jumped on a plane after my message.

Can you arrange for us to meet? she asked.

My heart did about a hundred weird things when I read that. It pounded when I thought that Crow and his sister might be reunited after all this time, but at the same time it sunk in that I’d have to tell Crow I’d contacted his sister. Surely, though, the main thing would be getting them together. He clearly had a lot of trauma about their relationship, and now she wanted to make things up. Of course he’d want to see her. He’d be so happy.