Without question, sex with Dylan was ah-ma-zing. The best she’d ever had, and she was certain it would be a very long time, if ever, before she found the kind of heat and connection with another man that she shared with Dylan. However, she didn’t want to be just fuck buddies with him, or a convenient booty call to scratch an itch, because as much as she knew he cared about her, she wanted, and needed, his love. There was no in-between for her, and never had been. And every time she gave him the most intimate part of her, knowing he’d never return those deeper emotions she craved from him because he didn’t believe himself capable, made her heart break a little more.
With Dylan, she was open and vulnerable, and in order to save her heart from shattering irreparably, she was going to have to make one of the most difficult decisions she’d ever had to make. And hope she survived the pain of losing the one man who meant everything to her.
Unfortunately, she envisioned a lot of Ben & Jerry’s and Hallmark movies in her near future to distract her from her pain and misery, but no one to share them with.
Dreading the conversation she was about to have with him, she forced herself out of the warm bed, her body sore after the numerous times Dylan had taken her during the course of the night. Hard and deep. Gentle and slow. And every way in between. He’d been greedy and insatiable, yet generous with her pleasure, and she’d bet every penny in her savings account that their night together meant more to him than just sex. She was also smart enough to know that he didn’t believe in the forever, soul-mate kind of love like she did, and she couldn’t force him to be the kind of man she needed in her life. The man she knew he could be, if he would just believe in himself. Believe in her.
And that meant she had to let him go, because it hurt too much to have him in her life on a regular basis—being in love with him knowing he’d never return her feelings in that way. She just couldn’t do it anymore.
The thought caused a huge, aching lump to form in her throat as she went into the bathroom. After a quick washup and brushing her disheveled hair, Serena put on a clean pair of sweats and T-shirt, then headed out to the kitchen. Dylan was standing at the counter, his naked back to her since he was only wearing a pair of jeans that rode very low on his hips.
The muscles across his shoulders bunched as he stirred what looked like pancake batter in a bowl, judging by the ingredients still left out around him. His hair was tousled around his head, and knowing it was most likely the last time she’d be able to look at him like this, she let her gaze trail down his back to the sexy divots right above his firm buttocks. This scene was a familiar one, where Dylan would make her breakfast, her favorite chocolate chip pancakes, the morning after a breakup. Except this morning, it was her relationship with him that was going to end.
The irony was not lost on her, no matter how painful the realization was.
Dylan finished whisking the pancake batter, then added a generous scoop of mini chocolate chips and stirred those in, too. After weeks apart, the normalcy of this simple routine with Serena relieved him. Made him feel like everything was getting back to the way it was supposed to be between them, even if that meant navigating their way through this new change in their relationship and figuring out how to make it all work.
All he cared about was that he had Serena back. That she was his again, and Coffee Bean Guy would be a thing of the past.
Smiling at the thought, he set the bowl back down on the counter and turned around to head back to Serena’s bedroom to wake her up with the caress of his hands along her body, the wet heat of his mouth drifting down her stomach, and the stroke of his tongue between her thighs before they ate breakfast, but came up short when he found her standing at the entrance to the kitchen, wearing way too many clothes. In fact, he’d left his shirt in the bedroom and he was surprised she wasn’t wearing it like she normally would.
“Hey, you,” he murmured, the sight of her making him smile as he approached her with seduction in mind. “I was just going to wake you up with a nice good-morning orgasm before I made you your favorite breakfast, but we can improvise here in the kitchen.”
When he reached her, she put a hand up against his chest and shook her head much too adamantly. “No.”
A sinking feeling swirled in his stomach, and he tried not to let it completely inundate him with misgivings. But something wasn’t right. Last night, there had been no reservations or doubts between them. Serena had been so open and sensual with him, so uninhibited and unreserved, holding back nothing.
This morning, that woman was nowhere to be seen. Instead, in her place was someone determined to keep him at arm’s length, physically and emotionally. And the anguish he saw shimmering in her eyes didn’t bode well for him at all.
“Last night was a mistake,” she said, the words leaving her in a rush, as if she was afraid she’d lose the nerve if she didn’t get it right out into the open. “I never should have let it happen. I had a moment of weakness and I’m sorry.”
Flashbacks of that morning in Vegas with Serena slapped him in the face with the hurt and rejection he’d inflicted upon her. It was a mistake. They were the same exact words he’d said to her, and being on the receiving end of them was like a jolt to his entire system. For him, he’d gone into last night with his eyes wide open because he wanted her so damn much . . . and she clearly regretted what had happened.
“How can you call five screaming orgasms a mistake?” he asked, knowing he probably sounded like a jerk, but unable to help himself from pointing out how good they’d been together.
She slowly lowered her hand from his chest, her eyes sad as they met and held his. “I’m not going to deny that we’re great together physically, but this thing we’re doing? It’s not healthy for either one of us, and it’s not going to go anywhere because you’re one hundred percent right about something you’ve said to me at least a dozen times over the past few years. I do deserve better. I deserve a guy who is going to be all in, every day. Who is going to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Deeply and unconditionally so I never have to wonder if I’m enough. And I deserve to be more than just a best friend with benefits.”
He sucked in a harsh breath at that last part. “Jesus, Serena. You’re so much more than a hookup!”
She shook her head in disagreement. “More than a hookup, but clearly not enough to commit yoursel
f to.”
It wasn’t a question, but rather a statement based on the patterns of his relationships, or lack thereof, throughout his adult life. Which usually resulted with whoever he was dating at the time leaving him because he couldn’t give them all of himself. Just as Serena had said.
She swallowed hard, a wealth of vulnerable emotions passing across her features. “I think it’s probably best if we . . . go our separate ways.”
Fuck. He jammed his fingers through his hair, trying to keep his shit together. “So, you’re ending a lifetime friendship, just like that?” His voice was high-pitched and incredulous.
“I can’t do it any other way, Dylan,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “We can’t go back to the way things were before Vegas because too much has changed, and we can’t keep jumping into bed together because having sex with you, for me, means love. And you . . . well, you’ve taken a traumatic incident in your past with your parents and decided to let it warp your version of what love is. The two will never mesh and it makes no sense to try and force what we once were, because now it hurts too much to be with you and I need more than you’re willing to give.”
She didn’t give him a chance to reply before she turned and walked back out of the kitchen to her bedroom, and what the hell was wrong with him that he just let her go? He was so torn and conflicted after everything she’d just said, and he couldn’t disagree that his parents’ divorce had messed him up and skewed his perception of what love really was.
The last thing he’d ever want to do was hurt Serena, and he knew he couldn’t keep jerking her emotions around. But he had no idea what to say or do to make everything right again. All he knew was that he had to get his head on straight and figure it out, but that was so much easier said than done when he’d never been in a position where he had to open himself up and be vulnerable with a woman. Hell, he’d never wanted to before.
And now that he did, he didn’t know how. And the possibility that he’d never be able to be everything Serena needed scared the shit out of him and kept him rooted in place.
Serena stayed late after school ended to work on the next week’s lesson plan for her students, and also because she hated going home to her empty, lonely apartment where she was reminded of Dylan and their breakup almost a week ago. She still couldn’t believe they’d severed their lifelong friendship, and the thought still made her eyes sting and her throat tighten with stupid emotional tears.