Would we have eventually broken apart, laughing it off? Would I have pulled his pants down and sucked him while he fingered me? Would we have had laid out our clothes and had sex right there?
God, I’d wanted it. I wanted it so bad.
I’d even grabbed the vibrator I brought with me from Las Vegas and teased myself with it while I thought of Hank’s lips on mine, the way his hands felt as they slid down my body and grabbed my ass. It didn’t take long before I was wet again and slid the vibrator inside myself, fucking myself with it and rubbing my clit with my other hand until I came. I had to bite my lip hard to stop myself from screaming, not wanting any of the guys to hear me.
As I came down from my orgasm, breathing hard, a smile spread across my face as I thought about how good it felt to be touched by a man again. It really had been far too long since I last had sex or even just kissed someone. I was a bit giddy at the thought of what I’d done that evening, just how wanton I’d been. That wasn’t like me, but I didn’t care. I liked Hank; I could see myself really liking him.
But as the days passed, I became more and more confused. Though we didn’t talk about our kiss, shyly smiling at each other the next time we saw each other, nothing happened with Hank again. Still, I felt my feelings for him growing.
However, liking Hank wasn’t the thing that confused me. It was the fact that I felt my feelings for Ben returning and I didn’t know what to do with that.
When Seki first told me that Ben worked on the farm, my Ben, my first love, I was lost. All those feelings I’d repressed over the years, that I shoved deep inside the little compartments of my heart and brain, well, I thought they were buried deep. But they weren’t nearly as gone as I thought they were.
I just wanted to forget about Ben and his apparent betrayal by ignoring it, but I know now that the pain managed to seep out through the cracks. I impacted me over the years, was like a shadow over my heart. Since I’ve had the chance to talk to him, however, some of that shadow has cleared and turned into something that felt like warm morning light.
It was the way I used to feel when we were seventeen, just dumb kids in love with each other. And the more time I’ve spent with Ben since taking the job on the ranch, the more those old feelings have come back.
The more Ben has been on my mind, the more I’ve grown confused about Hank. I knew I was developing feelings for him. I had never had feelings for more than one person at once. I didn’t even know if I could have feelings for more than one guy at a time. Sure, I’d heard of polyamory, where people were happily in love and in relationships with more than one person at a time, but for myself? The thought had never even crossed my mind. How could I suddenly develop feelings for two people at twenty-six? Surely if I was polyamorous, I would have known long before now.
With so many changes happening in my life in a short amount of time, I felt like I didn’t know anything anymore.
Something good, however, is that I’ve quickly grown accustomed to living on a ranch. I won’t lie and say it’s been easy because it most certainly has not, but despite that, I love it. Each night that I go to be with aching muscles, I feel like I accomplished something that day.
My first few days were the worst. My muscles and joints screamed in remembrance of all the running around the ranch I’d done with Seki. Sure, there was a small clinic and office area for me on the ranch, but I really haven’t spent much time in there. Most of my days were spent out with the cattle. The fact that I’ve always tried to keep in shape definitely help me adjust to my new job. I really had to pat past-Jada on the back for that.
I will admit my workdays would have been a lot easier if there weren’t so many hot guys running around. Sure, I was struggling with my feelings for both Hank and Ben, but it wasn’t exactly like Seki and Ace were slouches in the looks department. The four men were all gorgeous to look at. Whenever I got to watch them running around on the ranch in action, my pulse went through the roof.
Shirtless, sweaty, and totally unaware of their effect on me. Heh, those bastards. I thought they wanted me to actually be able to do my job?