He looked hesitant about sharing, but he took a breath and spoke. “Maybe I was just flattering myself, thinking I’d be worth some sort of risk. Not that I’d wish that on anyone!” he clarified. “I don’t mean that. It just… I don’t know. Don’t you all see everything I’m risking?”
“Umm, no. You’re here with your family to give you advice, and we all live around your schedule. Everything about your life stays the same, and ours changed overnight. What in the world could you possibly be risking?”
Maxon looked shocked.
“America, I might have my family, but imagine how embarrassing it is to have your parents watch as you attempt to date for the first time. And not just your parents—the whole country! Worse than that, it’s not even a normal style of dating.
“And living around my schedule? When I’m not with you all, I’m organizing troops, making laws, perfecting budgets … and all on my own these days, while my father watches me stumble in my own stupidity because I have none of his experience. And then, when I inevitably do things in a way he wouldn’t, he goes and corrects my mistakes. And while I’m trying to do all this work, you—the girls, I mean—are all I can think about. I’m excited and terrified by the lot of you!”
He was using his hands more than I’d ever seen, whipping them in the air and running them through his hair.
“And you think my life isn’t changing? What do you think my chances might be of finding a soul mate in the group of you? I’ll be lucky if I can just find someone who’ll be able to stand me for the rest of our lives. What if I’ve already sent her home because I was relying on some sort of spark I didn’t feel? What if she’s waiting to leave me at the first sign of adversity? What if I don’t find anyone at all? What do I do then, America?”
His speech had started out angered and impassioned, but by the end his questions weren’t rhetorical anymore. He really wanted to know: What was he going to do if no one here was even close to being someone he could love? Though that didn’t even seem to be his main concern; he was more worried that no one would love him.
“Actually, Maxon, I think you will find your soul mate here. Honestly.”
“Really?” His voice charged with hope at my prediction.
“Absolutely.” I put a hand on his shoulder. He seemed to be comforted by that touch alone. I wondered how often people simply touched him. “If your life is as upside down as you say it is, then she has to be here somewhere. In my experience, true love is usually the most inconvenient kind.” I smiled weakly.
He seemed happy to hear those words, and they consoled me as well. Because I believed them. And if I couldn’t have love of my own, the best I could do was help Maxon find it himself.
“I hope you and Marlee hit it off. She’s incredibly sweet.”
Maxon made a strange face. “She seems so.”
“What? Is something wrong with sweet?”
“No, no. Sweet is good.”
He didn’t elaborate.
“What do you keep looking for?” he asked suddenly.
“What?”
“You can’t seem to keep your eyes in one place. I can tell that you’re paying attention, but you seem to be looking for something.”
I realized he was right. All through his little speech, I’d scanned the garden and the windows and even the towers along the walls. I was getting paranoid.
“People … cameras…” I shook my head as I looked into the night.
“We’re alone. There’s just the guard by the door.” Maxon pointed to the lone figure in the palace lamplight. He was right, no one had followed us out, and the windows were all lit up but vacant. I’d seen that already through my scanning, but it helped to have it confirmed.
I felt my posture relax a little.
“You don’t like people watching you, do you?” he asked.
“Not really. I prefer being below the radar. That’s what I’m used to, you know?” I traced the patterns carved into the perfect block of stone beneath me, not meeting his eyes.
“You’ll have to adjust to that. When you leave here, eyes will be on you for the rest of your life. My mom still talks to some of the women she was with when she went through the Selection. They’re all viewed as important women. Still.”
“Great,” I moaned. “Just one more thing I can’t wait to go home to.”
Maxon’s face was apologetic, but I had to look away. I was freshly reminded of how much this stupid competition was costing me, how my idea of normal was never coming back. It didn’t seem fair....
But I checked myself again. I shouldn’t take it out on Maxon. He was as much a victim in this as the rest of us, though in a very different way. I sighed and looked back to him. I saw his face set as he decided something.
“America, could I ask you something personal?”
“Maybe,” I hedged. He gave me a humorless smile.
“It’s just … well, I can tell that you really don’t like it here. You hate the rules and the competition and the attention and the clothes and the … well, no, you like the food.” He smiled. I did, too. “You miss your home and your family … and I suspect other people very, very much. Your feelings are incredibly close to the surface.”
“Yeah.” I rolled my eyes. “I know.”
“But you’re willing to be homesick and miserable here instead of going home. Why?”
I felt the lump rise in my throat, and I pushed it back down.
“I’m not miserable … and you know why.”
“Well, sometimes you seem okay. I see you smiling when you talk to some of the other girls, and you seem very content at meals, I’ll give you that. But other times you just look so sad. Would you tell me why? The whole story?”
“It’s just another failed love story. It’s nothing big or exciting. Trust me.” Please don’t push me. I don’t want to cry.
“For better or for worse, I’d like to know one true love story besides my parents’, one that was outside these walls and the rules and the structure.... Please?”
The truth was I’d carried the secret for so long, I couldn’t imagine putting it into words. And it hurt so much to think of Aspen. Could I even say his name out loud? I took a deep breath. Maxon was my friend now. He tried so hard to be nice to me. And he’d been so honest with me....