‘It is admitting you can’t cope,’ he bit out, suddenly.
She snorted scornfully. And loudly. Not even attempting to supress it.
‘Of course it isn’t. Stuffing it all down and letting it eat at you like some kind of acid from the inside out is weak. Refusing to talk about it when it’s clearly killing you is weak. Deliberately putting yourself through night after night of hellish nightmares is weak.’
‘You think I want to have those nightmares?’
‘I think you hate them. I can’t imagine anyone would want to live their life in such pain. I think you’re a good person who deserved better. But I can’t stand by and watch you tough it out as though that’s a sign of strength. Please listen to me, Myles, a truly strong man would acknowledge his limitations. A truly strong man wouldn’t take the easy way out, stuffing things down, he would make the incredible step of facing his problems, of voicing them.’
He couldn’t answer her. Couldn’t even begin to get his head around the jumble of emotions crowding him in this moment.
A part of him recognised what she was saying, the same part that so desperately wanted to grab her and hold her and let her ease his pain. But then there was the other part, the monster inside him that taunted and sniped in his ear. Who told him that he had nothing to complain about, given that he had survived when so many of his friends hadn’t.
That he’d got off lightly.
That the least he deserved was to suffer a little.
And so he finally found the strength to break free of Rae’s touch, and he climbed into the vehicle, started the engine and drove in silence, whilst neither one of them said another word.
But, for the first time he felt cowardly and alone. As though she was somehow slipping from his grasp and, whatever he tried to do, he couldn’t tighten his grip.
How was it possible to lose someone he’d never had?
* * *
Rae awoke with a start.
‘We’ve been driving all day?’ She glanced at her watch.
‘Pretty much.’
Another day down and she was already a fortnight into her month-long mission. It was flying by and she had the oddest sensation that every time she slept she was squandering this incredible experience.
‘You should have woken me.’
He didn’t deserve the accusation in her tone, but it was out before she could stop it. But Myles, in true form, barely even had to shrug it off.
‘You’ve been on call pretty much twenty-four-seven, since you arrived—all of you OBGYNs have been—so I figured if this was your once chance for some uninterrupted sleep then I was damned well going to let you get it.’
Plus it meant he didn’t have to listen to her badger him again. She wrinkled her nose in frustration, but this time kept her mouth firmly shut.
‘If you want something to eat, there’s something which passes for a lunch in that container over there.’
‘Thanks.’ Not that she was really very hungry. ‘We must be close. Isn’t that the Kurkshirgar River? Janine said once the road, such as it is, runs alongside it—we just follow it down to the border camp.’
‘Yeah, should be a few clicks further downstream.’
Rae reached for the map, trying to work out where they were in relation to the landscape when the young kid seemed to come out of nowhere, frantically trying to flag down their solitary vehicle.
Her heart thudded as Myles began to slow down.
‘You’re not supposed to stop anywhere,’ she reminded him nervously, glancing surreptitiously around for any signs that they were about to be attacked.
She might have known Myles wouldn’t miss what she was doing.
‘I’ve already checked, Raevenne. The ground around is too low, too flat, there’s nowhere anyone could be waiting to ambush us here. But would you prefer me to play by the rules and leave the boy here alone?’
She scowled at him, but she could still feel the flush creeping up her neck. She waited impatiently as Myles listened to the boy for what seemed like for ever.