Of all people, she should know how deep that rejection cut. It would be like losing her uncle, the only person who had believed in her.
‘But how did you handle it badly? You did nothing wrong,’ Fliss pointed out carefully. ‘You stayed away because it was the kindest thing to do.’
‘I left Wilf to cope all alone. I might not have been able to see Rosie, but I could have pretended to be someone else. I could have been there for Wilf instead of just dumping him in it.’
‘Ash, you were off fighting for your country. You’re a colonel. You were a major then. The career path we’ve chosen isn’t like other jobs. There are sacrifices. Wilf and Rosie understood, even before the Alzheimer’s. With the best will in the world, you couldn’t have been there.’
‘I should have found a way. I should have taken fewer postings away, fewer tours of duty.’
‘But no way would you have ever made colonel. At your level that would have been your career over.’
‘I should have made that sacrifice for Rosie. And for Wilf.’
It was the grief talking, she knew that. His mind grappling with an impossible situation. In time he would see that, but for now all she could do was tell him what she thought he needed to hear.
‘I don’t believe she would ever have wanted you to do that. From what you’ve told me about them, I don’t think either of them would have thanked you for it. They didn’t make those sacrifices to send you to Cadets, to fund you through university for you to walk away from it. You could never have gone back.’
‘I should have done it anyway. I could have found a job in Civvy Street, moved in next door. Even if I couldn’t have been there to help care for Rosie, I could have been there for Wilf whilst he cared for her.’
‘That’s a hell of a thing to ask of anyone.’ Fliss shook her head. ‘I know you like to think of yourself as superhuman, Ash, and I know your men see you as their hero, but guess what? You are only human. You have emotions and you were in pain. I don’t believe Wilf thinks you abandoned him.’
‘It’s not about what Wilf thinks. He can tell me there was no other choice all he likes,’ he bit out angrily. But she knew it was anger directed at himself, not at her. ‘It’s about what I know. And I know I could have done more. Should have done more. I should have found a way.’
A tight hand was squeezing Fliss’s heart inside her chest. His pain was palpable. He’d lost one of the only two people who had cared for him, loved him. And he was alienating himself from the other person becaus
e he couldn’t shake a sense of guilt which he shouldn’t be feeling.
No wonder he kept with short-term relationships, never opening himself up to more hurt. Just like her. They were two of a kind.
So maybe they could help each other? The thought stole into Fliss’s brain so softly that she didn’t realise it was there at first. She brushed it away and calmed her fluttering heart.
It was a ridiculous idea.
‘Thanks,’ he said suddenly. ‘For listening. This wasn’t what you bargained for when we agreed to this one-off fling.’
She managed a nervous laugh. ‘It’s not a problem. Besides, I told you I didn’t usually do one-night stands. Now I can say I definitely have had one. And I’m glad—one night wasn’t enough.’
She just about succeeded in not clapping her hand over her mouth at her faux-pas, but, rather than distrust, the look Ash shot her was so brooding, so licentious, her body shivered under its intensity.
‘One night was most definitely not enough.’
She couldn’t speak; she could only jerk her head.
He stood up abruptly, pacing her tiny kitchen as though deciding whether or not to say anything more.
‘We have two weeks’ R&R, Fliss. Aside from a one-day course, which is in this neck of the woods anyway, and a rugby match with my former battalion, I’m not expected anywhere.’
‘Okay.’
‘What about you?’
‘Nowhere,’ she confirmed, feeling as though she was trapped in some kind of suspension.
She was almost afraid to think he was suggesting what she wanted with every fibre of her being. Afraid to say it and be wrong and experience rejection on a level she had never known possible.
‘What are you saying, Ash?’ she breathed.
‘I’m saying, to hell with it. We have two weeks and no one else with demands on our time. Let’s spend it together.’