He rasped against my lips, “I’m going to like taking pictures with you.”
Everything was perfect.
He was perfect.
“Come on.” He stood us up. “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel. It’s my favorite ride. You get to see the whole town from the sky, and there isn’t anything like it.”
My emotions went from excited to anxious in a matter of seconds. I thought I could do this for him, but as soon as it was our turn to go on next, I began to internally freak out. Feeling like I was going to have a panic attack at any moment.
“Mom, please get up. Please, Mom. I need you to get up. Don’t do this to me.”
“Sweetness.” Christian interrupted my memory. “What’s wrong?”
I frantically shook my head. “I don’t want to go on there.”
“What?” He smiled. “Are you afraid of heights?”
The anxiety was tearing through every inch of my body. “No. Please. I don’t want to go on there.”
“Hey…” he coaxed, pulling me toward him. “You’re shaking. What’s going on?”
“I just don’t want to go on there.” I yanked my body away, and all I could do was run away.
Between making our first appearance together at the carnival, everything he shared, and now having to go on this ride. It was too fucking much.
I ran.
From my memories.
My feelings.
Him.
He quickly caught up to me, gripping onto my waist to spin me around to face him. “Kinley, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
It was like word vomit, there was no stopping what I said next. “What are we doing?”
“What do you mean? We were going on the Ferris wheel.”
“No, I mean what are we doing together?”
“Is that what this is about?”
“Yes. No. Maybe?” I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“I think you do.”
“We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and now you bring me here where our entire school is in attendance and everyone is looking at us.”
“So let them stare. Who cares?”
“I do! I’m falling in love with you.”
His eyes widened. “You’re what?”
“Oh fuck. I can’t believe I just said that. I didn’t mean it.”
I wasn’t sure which was worse, his expression from before or the one he was giving me right then.
He frowned. “You didn’t mean it?”
“No. I mean yes. I mean … I don’t know.”
“Kins, you’re talking in circles, and it’s hard to keep up.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just this place, all these people, you, and now the Ferris wheel… I’m just overwhelmed.”
“Over a ride?”
“It’s not just a ride to me.”
“What does that mean?”
“I can’t—”
He grabbed my hand and led us over to a secluded area where there was no one around. Only us. Still holding onto my hand, he pulled me to the ground.
“Sweetness, talk to me. What’s going on?”
I could see the Ferris wheel from where we were sitting, and all I could envision was the last time I was on one. There was no use hiding it from him. I’d already made a fool of myself.
“It was my tenth birthday, and my mom brought me to a fair that was in Columbus. I was so excited. She never acknowledged my birthday. I’ve never even had a birthday cake or been sang a song. I fucking hate my birthday. She found a way to ruin each one.”
“Oh, baby…”
I might have been with Christian, but my mind was back to that night with her.
“All I wanted was to go on the Ferris wheel, and we waited for hours in line until it was finally our turn. My mom was drunk, she was always fucking drunk. Kids from school were there, and they saw the mess that she was. By the time we got on the ride, she was so wasted that she passed out, and I couldn’t get her up. I tried the entire time we were on it, but there was no getting her to open her eyes.” I paused, trying to shake away the look on the parents’ faces when they saw her, knowing they felt bad for me.
I hated that more than anything. Their sympathy was another knife to my heart. I just wanted to enjoy my birthday. One celebration she didn’t ruin. One memory I could look back on with her and feel like she was there for me. Even if it was just this one time, I had something.
Anything.
“They had to call the ambulance to come get her and pump her stomach. I spent the rest of my birthday in the ER waiting room, crying that she’d ruined yet another day for me. When I went back to school everyone was talking about it. I couldn’t get away from it. Child services were called, and they showed up at our house again. It was awful. Everything with her was always so fucking awful.”
Tears rimmed my eyes, and I was beyond exhausted from crying over her. Christian’s gaze told me everything I didn’t want to see.