Chapter Twenty-Three: Steven
I felt fucking wild. What were the odds of having two girls I gave a shit about in trouble and not being able to help either? I was still fucking pissed with Para, but it didn’t matter what she’d done, I wanted to get her out of that situation as much as ever.
And Tamara… I wanted to drag Tamara out of her house, away from her fucking idiot of a mother who wouldn’t tell her the truth. And I knew I couldn’t do it while her mother was there. I knew how that worked. If I wanted to get through to her, I had to wait until she was at school, until I could get her alone. Then I could use the same methods her mother was using to make her understand. Which I felt absolutely fucking shit about, but she’d definitely been through enough if I was reading this right. I had to put aside my own issues and do whatever it took to keep her from having worse happen.
Mum wasn’t anywhere to be seen by the time I strode back into the house, dripping sweat everywhere. Either in her room or out drinking with her mates.
Dad started a little as I passed. “Everything all right, Steve?”
I actually paused. Maybe if I told him, he’d want to do something to help.
But he had to believe me first… and what proof did I
have? Just something a girl I knew on the Internet had told me once and then begged me not to reveal to anyone ever. I couldn’t even get in contact with her unless she decided to show her online status to me. And just the fact that I’d been spending time talking to some underage girl at all was only going to make me look even worse.
“You know. The usual.”
Dad gave me a look that said he had no idea what was ‘usual’ for me, and he didn’t want to be given any ideas. “Well, uh, I hope you’re keeping up with your homework then.”
I got the hell out of there as soon as I could and left my room the minimum number of times possible before bed. I lay staring up at the ceiling once I actually got to bed, trying not to picture it… and, naturally, seeing nothing else. It would be easiest to break in through her window, but if I couldn’t work out for sure which one it was, I’d seen how weak the front door was on my visit. No security system, of course. I could sneak through the house when everyone was asleep and grab her, drag her out of there before anyone could stop me. She’d be upset, but if she had enough time to process what I was telling her, she’d be glad I did it. Probably.
I’d still fucking go to jail, of course. I doubted she’d thank me for how I’d gotten her attention, even if she understood. Maybe that was what kept me in my bed this time, knowing she wouldn’t just let me get away with it. Maybe it was Julia’s pitiful little screams still ringing in my ears when I was just about to fall asleep.
I was safe from her that night, though. After the first startle I didn’t get even close to sleepy again.
The next morning, I was wobbling when I walked like I was fucking drunk. I was going to get myself pulled over driving like that, so I grabbed a breakfast bar out of the pantry and went for a jog. I wouldn’t get there quite as early as I’d wanted and I’d be sweaty all day, but skipping the whole awkward breakfast routine was always a plus. I didn’t need to smell good to drag Tamara aside at school… and I could sleep in class before or after.
I barely made it to school before the final bells started going off, and I didn’t see Tamara around anywhere as I took a more leisurely jog to class. I decided I’d skip out of my class before recess break and get my eyes on her if possible, so she didn’t have any chance of sneaking away.
Except halfway through my first class, after a little sitting-up doze that probably helped a lot with getting my brain twisted back on straight, I realised I hadn’t accounted for a very real possibility: that she had already left school.
Once I got that in my head, I had to find out immediately. I just got up and walked out of whatever class I was in—Maths for People Who Will Never Really Need Maths, or something. I went to one of the communal areas for anyone who didn’t have classes that period and asked around… and it took a bit longer than it would have for most other people, I thought, but soon I had the class Tamara was supposed to be in at that time.
I also probably had a rumour that I gave some serious fucks about Tamara Hills, but what was I supposed to do about that? This was more serious than everyone thinking I’d gone soft, which was probably true anyway.
Anyway, I took a stroll past Tamara’s classroom, and by that time I wasn’t too surprised by what I saw—well, what I didn’t see. There was an empty desk in the middle of the room and that little face, so intense when she was trying to make sense of something, was only present in my imagination.
My bag jiggled on my shoulder as I started to run. I was still fucking half-asleep though, because I’d made it halfway back to her house and my arms were nearly dropping off before I realised what I was doing was useless.
I’d thought if I warned Tamara’s mother, at least, she would be able to keep Tamara from him until I could find a way to tell her the truth. But Tamara had already uncovered more of my secrets than I’d ever wanted to give anyone. If anyone could figure out how to get past that mother, it’d be her. She’d come to that damn party, hadn’t she?
I stopped and crouched in the middle of the laneway I was running down, dazed and winded. I didn’t want to think about that party at the moment. I needed to focus on how I was going to find Tamara and save her from that creep she thought was the good guy in her life.
Except nothing was coming to me. I had never asked too many questions about where Para lived, where she went to school. I still didn’t even know her real first name. If I’d been thinking, I could have gotten up sooner, made sure I was there when Tamara’s brother dropped her off. That was the point from which she would have disappeared, so her family wouldn’t catch on.
Well… how the fuck did I find her now?
I had no hope of finding her, that was the answer to that. I needed to get someone else involved…
But Chalmers hadn’t done anything wrong yet where the law could see, and I couldn’t be sure anyone would stand up alongside me if I tried to expose him. Para was too traumatised, too afraid of how much worse her life could get. Tamara’s mother was an adult who should know better… but just because adults knew better didn’t mean they acted better. I knew that, too.
I couldn’t do anything now, that was the hard truth. I had to wait, and hope Tamara would come back on her own and not any more harmed than she’d already been.
I fucking hated this helplessness. I’d promised myself months ago I would never let myself be out of control of the situations in my life again, no matter what that took. And I’d been unable to keep that promise from the very start.
Until I had any ability to do anything at all again, I had to try to keep myself from completely losing it.
And if I wanted to not punch people… I’d better run.