Covering Jason’s body, Ben kissed his shoulder, fingers tangled in Jason’s hair. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I know it’s messy.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Jason croaked.
Chuckling, Ben slid off him. “Think you’ve worked up a thirst. Hold on.”
The loss of Ben’s heat had Jason shivering, and he reached down for the sheet. The tap ran in the bathroom, and he took the glass of water Ben offered, not meeting his eyes as he gulped gratefully.
Ben climbed back into bed and wiped a washcloth over Jason’s sticky skin before stretching out beside him on his side. He traced a fingertip down the ridge of Jason’s nose. “How do you feel?”
Jason met his intense gaze—so blue and endless, like Ben was seeing right into the deepest, most fucked-up part of him. Jason was too raw, and he rolled Ben onto his back so he could lay his head on Ben’s chest and close his eyes. He said, “Good. I don’t know the right words.”
Exhilarated. Terrified. Amazing. Exposed.
Ben’s heart thumped steadily, and Jason breathed along with it, calming himself. Ben’s voice rumbled in his chest. “You don’t have to do or say everything ‘right.’ Not with me.”
That generosity was frightening too, but Jason tried to slow the whirl of thoughts whipping through his mind. “I actually had sex.” He laughed at the surrealness of it all. “I mean—you know what I mean? I had sex once before, but it was so quick and awkward and hardly anything at all.” He pondered it, waiting for a rush of guilt about Amy. But no, Amy would want him to discover his true self. She’d want him to be happy.
Should I be happy? Am I really allowed to have this?
“And how was this time?” Ben asked, tracing his fingers up and down Jason’s back.
“This was…” He rubbed his cheek against Ben’s furry chest, trying to stay centered and in the moment. “This felt like the real first time. Is that dumb?”
“Not at all. You’re incredible, you know that? I’m so lucky.” He kissed Jason’s head, caressing his hip. “Thank you for sharing this. For sharing yourself.”
Is this me?
Another burst of panic sent Jason’s heart racing, and Ben’s hand froze. “Okay?”
He realized he’d gone rigid, and forced himself to relax. “Uh-huh.”
Ben’s fingers grazed Jason’s swollen, tender hole. “Does it hurt?”
Jason’s breath caught, and it was too much—he was too bare, all soft vulnerability like he’d been turned inside out. And Ben had already seen him helpless and pathetic, had bathed him for fuck’s sake, but this was different somehow.
He’d actually been inside, stretching him so much he could still feel it, and even though Jason had let him in his body—more than let, had needed it like oxygen—now he’d careened too far out of control.
“Baby, are you okay?”
Baby. A kneejerk reaction struck, a defensive bolt of resentment. I’m not a kid! I don’t need you to be so nice and act like I’m going to break. I’m fine! I can take care of myself!
Raw instinct kicked in—fight or flight—and there was only one thing he could do.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Rolling away, Jason pushed to his feet and gathered his strewn clothes. “I’m fine. Feels fine. Feels great!” He cringed at the forced cheerfulness as he dressed, looking everywhere but at Ben. “Just have to get back to Maggie.” And God, he really did—he’d been gone too long. Guilt joined the chaotic confusion of emotions.
“Jason, wait. It’s normal to be sore. Are you—”
“I’m good! But I need to get back. You understand.” He bent to lace his shoes with shaky fingers, his ass twinging.
“Of course I understand. Can you just take a breath?”
Jason rocketed upright as his phone jingled on the side table, the chimes ringing out that indicated a text message. He lunged for the phone, only seeing the words: “This is Karen at the hospital. You should come back” before panic set in, acid flooding his belly. “Fuck! I have to go.”
He stumbled over his still-untied lace, cursing as he bent, ignoring the flare of soreness in his ass. How could he have been so irresponsible? Shame burned, and he hated himself for his weakness. His selfishness. “Maggie’s on her own, and she needs me. I should never have left.”
When he jerked upright, his head spun. Ben stood naked in front of him, hands at his sides and forehead creased, now-familiar tenderness in his eyes. Jason averted his gaze, suddenly embarrassed by Ben’s nudity and irrationally angry at the concern. He’d done everything on his own for years—he didn’t need Ben now.
Couldn’t need him.
Shaking his head, Jason skirted around Ben, a weak part still aching for him to reach out. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” He didn’t wait for an answer.
Clutching his phone, he ran into the hall and barreled down the stairs since he’d fly out of his skin waiting for an elevator. Reporters shouted questions as he rushed back into the hospital, security keeping them at bay as he took the stairs to Maggie’s floor two at a time.