The Christmas Deal

“I thought I knew with Connor’s mom. Veronica.” Logan scrubbed his face. “That’s a lie. I knew we were kidding ourselves, but I went along. I don’t want fuck up again with Seth. It feels different, but what if I’m wrong?”

She shrugged. “Only one way to find out.”

Logan was quiet, listening to machines beep and murmured conversations beyond the curtain. “It’s happened real fast with Seth.” He didn’t say quite how fast. “But seeing him and Connor go through the ice. Seeing how they could be taken away just like that.” He snapped his fingers dully. “That’s what happened to Veronica.” He snapped again.

“Then you know how precious life is. Grab on to the people who make your heart happy and don’t ever let go. And to hell with anyone who doesn’t like it.”

“Is that what you did?”

“Yes, sir. We waited until after high school to get hitched—I knew, but I was no fool either. It’s been mumble-mumble years now.” She laughed. “But he still listens to me until I’m tired of talkin’. Every word.”

“I want that.”

“Ain’t a thing wrong with that.”

But what did Seth want? Logan believed Seth liked him, but it was all so new. What if this really was a mistake as well?

Only one way to find out.

It was past midnight when they trooped into the hotel room, all of them wearing the gray sweatsuits from the hospital and cheap flip-flops, their shoes still soaking wet.

Jenna said to come down the hall and wake her the second they needed something, but what they needed was rest. They took turns in the bathroom and changed into PJs.

Logan watched Seth shiver as he buttoned up his grandpa pajamas. He wanted to kiss him so bad. He didn’t want Seth to ever be scared or hurt again. Hell, he didn’t want Seth to even be cold.

Connor sat up against the padded headboard of his bed, his big tee pulled up to his chin along with the thick comforter. Seth asked, “Should I turn up the heat more?” Connor shook his head. Seth sat on the other bed. “We should get some sleep, huh?”

Connor nodded but didn’t move. The lamp between the beds cast a low golden glow. Shivering himself in his T-shirt and boxer briefs, Logan sat beside Seth, brushing against him and the flannel, resisting pulling Seth onto his lap just to hold him.

They sat in silence, Seth giving him a worried glance. Logan figured Connor wanted to talk or he would already be asleep. Or be pretending or something. But he sat up still.

“I miss my mom,” Connor whispered. His eyes were still red and puffy from earlier, and he seemed so small in the big bed. Would Logan mess it up if he tried to hug him?

Logan cleared his throat. “I know. I wish I could bring her back for you. I wish I could go back and be there and change it.”

After a few beats of silence, Seth murmured, “I thought they said there was nothing anyone could do.”

“But I was there!” Connor’s lip wobbled, tears filling his big brown eyes. “I was up late playing video games even after she told me to turn it off and go to bed. I used my headphones, and eventually I fell asleep with the game still going. If she—what if she called for me? What if she asked me for help?”

Logan shook his head. “With that kind of aneurysm, there was nothing you could have done. It was over in a few seconds.” He snapped his fingers. “Like that.”

He wasn’t sure if it was exactly true—docs could guess, but no one would ever know for sure how long it had taken and if she’d suffered. But he wouldn’t let Connor blame himself. Connor was a kid, and he needed sure things. He needed Logan to be sure. What was that saying? Fake it ’til you make it.

“But what if it wasn’t?” Connor whispered. “What if she laid there with her brain exploding and I didn’t hear her? What if she was scared? I was right next door, and she told me to stop playing. I didn’t listen, and then I couldn’t hear her!” He sobbed raggedly. “Don’t you get it? It’s my fault!”

“No.” Logan was on his feet, and he stood there uselessly for a few moments before sitting by Connor’s feet, Connor’s knees still pulled to his chest under the covers.

Don’t fuck this up.

Logan said, “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You know your mom would say the same thing. She loved you more than anything in the whole world. She would never blame you. Not in a million years.”

“I wanted her to make breakfast.” Connor sniffled loudly, wiping his nose with his hand. “Because I was too lazy to do it myself. I was an asshole. That was why I went to find her. Not because I was worried. I should have been. I should have noticed the coffee pot was still upside-down on the side of the sink from when she washed it the night before. But I was only thinking about myself.”