A long, low whistle sounded from Liss' lips as she processed. Then she burst into action. “Okay, okay, no need to panic. Stay calm.”
Her gaze shot to me, her expression radiating anything but calm. “How late exactly?”
I grimaced, eyes slinking away.
“Ri? How late? When was your last period?”
“Well, I'm not exactly sure, so much has been going on. But… maybe January?” I admitted, voice lowering to barely a whisper.
Liss’ eyes shot wide, along with her mouth, the wad of gum dropping to the floor with a quiet thud. Right next to the splattered organ formerly known as my heart.
“Holy mother fucker of shitsville! What the fuck, Riley? January?? Like the first month of the year, January?”
I shrugged helplessly, recognizing how much of an idiot I was. “I think so. I mean, I’m not always totally regular, but…”
“How can you just be learning this now? How do you not know you've missed like twenty periods? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean, this is some I-didn't-know-I-was-pregnant-til-the-kid-dropped-into-the-toilet-bowl shit right here. Christ! If I look between your legs is a baby gonna be staring back at me, all gums and bewildered face, like oh, hey... surprise!”
“Jesus, Liss!” I whisper-hissed, eyes darting anxiously around. “First of all, lower your voice. And second, I... I... don't know. Okay? There's been a lot going on. And when Ren and I were together after the funeral, I just… I wasn’t expecting it. I lied and told him after that I’d gone on the pill, only because I didn’t want it to be an issue, or for him to feel obligated to do something about it. It was already awkward enough. And I meant to go get some Plan B, I swear to God, I did. But then everything happened and I just, I must have forgotten. Fuck!” I pressed the heel of my palms into my eye sockets. How had I done that? How could I have been so stupid? Her slim hand rubbed my upper arm, but her eyes were super wide in her face as she bounced on her feet, frantically chewing her thumbnail. She blew out a breath, nodding.
“Okay... so, okay. Did you take a test?”
I shook my head. She clapped her hands, her expression taking on a look of focused determination, like she could somehow gain control of this shit-storm of a situation.
“Well, we need to get a test.” She started moving past me, her strides determined, until she got about fifteen feet and realized I wasn't following.
My eyes met hers vacantly. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. So much had gone wrong in such a brief space of time. I couldn't deal with this right now. Reno definitely couldn't deal with it right now. It wasn't in my plans. It was the opposite of my plans. And there was nothing surer in this world than the fact that this would not, in any way, shape or form, fit into Reno's plans. I turned to Liss, my movements slow and hazy, and whispered, “I didn't think... I didn't...”
Her arms came around me, squeezing, holding me together. “I know. It's okay. It'll be okay.”
I felt myself nodding in agreement, maybe to appease her, maybe to reassure myself, but honestly I knew nothing of the sort, and neither did she. How could it be okay? How could any of this be okay? Reno would never want this. It was taking every effort I possessed just to convince him he wanted me! My shoulders shook before I even registered the sound of the pained sob echoing through the hallway as mine. Liss held tighter.
“Maybe all the stress messed up your cycle? That happens. I've heard that can happen. I bet that's what it is.”
Thirty minutes later, a white stick proved Liss wrong in the most life-shattering way possible.
“Positive.”
Strange how the connotations so strongly associated with that word couldn't be farther from how I felt in this moment. I'd asked Liss to read it out. I couldn't bring myself to look. As if by not reading it, it would give me the outcome I so desperately wanted. Which was stupid. It was unchangeable now, whether it was me, Liss or the goddamn Pope himself who looked at the damn stick. No amount of wishing, hoping, judgement or regret could alter the damage that I’d caused. And that was how it felt. I didn't suddenly become overwhelmed with maternal instincts or feelings of deep love. This was not anything I could accept right now.
My brain shut down, leaving behind a numb fuzziness I welcomed.
“Riley?” Liss’ concerned voice seemed to filter through an ocean of water. I shook my head clear, but the whooshing noise only intensified. Until it was all I could hear. Until my ears rang and my heart pounded, and I couldn't take a breath. My chest was tight, so, so tight. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.
“Riley?”
My hands clutched at my chest, my brain whirling until it felt like the world was spinning around me, instead of the sun. Liss' worried face swam past me, appearing and disappearing from view, over and over, making me nauseous. I slammed my lids closed, trying to get off this damn carousel of horrors, trying to suck in air and calm my roiling stomach. But I couldn't. I dry-heaved once. Darkness seeped in around the edges of my vision. I could feel the panic rising, choking me, clawing up my throat like sharp fingernails.
Liss' voice carried to me through the fog, coaching me, instructing me to stay calm, to breathe. With whatever remained of my rational thought, I latched on to her words, sucking in air greedily, exhaling long and low. After what felt like hours, the panic receded, my vision cleared, and my heart rate stabilized.
Sitting on Liss' bedroom floor, the enormity of my situation fully registered, the crushing weight of it pressed down on me until it felt like I might never be able to get up.
“You okay?” Liss asked, then cursed. “Sorry, stupid question.”
Shrugging one shoulder, I pulled my legs up and rested my forehead on my bent knees. “I just don’t want to think about it right now... is that okay?”
“Talk about something else?”
“Please.”