“I couldn’t stay away, though,” he continued, his voice rough. “Not when there was a chance you’d be here.”
My heart thumped an erratic beat and my eyes shuttered briefly. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes.
He huffed a frustrated breath, an unsteady hand pushing through his hair before gripping the nape of his neck. “I hate this, Ri. Acting like strangers. I fucking hate it.”
My arms lifted to cross over my chest and I rubbed my palms up and down over the goose bumps on my arms. A slight chill washed through me despite the warm night. Twisting until I could see him, the pain in my chest intensifying with every second that passed, I hiked my shoulders helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
His hand dropped, thumb hooking into his jean pocket. “Fuck, don’t… be sorry, Riley. It’s not your fault, it’s just…” He paused, anguished eyes scanning around us before coming back to rest on mine, “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”
If I still made wishes that would be mine. I’d wish to find my way back. To him. To us. Liquid collected behind my lids, and I glanced down. The light breeze lifted strands of my hair and danced them around my face. Eyes glued to my feet, I watched as I dug the front of my flat into the soil, kicking softly. Shaking my head, I turned to him, craning my head back to really see him. I needed to see him.
“I missed you,” I whispered, unsure where the words had come from or when I’d decided it was okay to utter them.
It wasn’t smart. It wasn’t helpful. And yet the line of tension across his shoulders eased instantly. The tight set of his face relaxed, and the hard line of his lips molded into an expression of relief. Like my words had cut through a thick web of unease.
The blazing fire in his eyes made it too hard to hold his gaze, but they wouldn’t release me. He had me utterly snared.
“I missed you,” he grated, those eyes piercing me, his voice rougher than the gravel beneath my feet. “More than I would have thought was possible.”
It was the crack in his voice, the vulnerability that escaped, that gave me the strength to break his stare. Everything about him was too intense, and I felt my foundations crumbling to pieces.
One hand found my jaw, another gripped my shoulder, and he used them to turn me to him. His grip was urgent and his face fierce as it drew level with mine. “Ri?” He stole my gaze again. “I still love you.”
I slammed my lids down against his impassioned declaration. My head twisted to escape but only made it as far as his cupped palm, where I burrowed my face and fought tears, trying to drown out his voice. I hadn’t prepared for this.
Hadn’t expected it. I didn’t think I could hear it.
“I don’t know what’s going on in your life now, or if you even give a shit anymore, but I do, Riley. I. Fucking. Do. I never stopped.” His breaths came fast and heavy, and I pushed my face deeper into his hand, wetting his skin with tears. “I’ve been a goddamn idiot, because you were right, Riley, I was scared. Scared of all the different ways loving you could hurt me. But you know what?”
The desperation in his tone had me stilling. His words reached the part of me that had never been able to deny him, and when I looked up into his blazing eyes through thick, wet lashes, my breaths hiccupped in my throat and my hands clasped his wrists.
Those dark eyes penetrated mine with a devastating intensity as he grated, “Trying not to love you... is fucking killing me.”
His hands traveled to frame my face, thumbs stroking the wetness of my cheeks.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I pushed you away, sorry you lost,” he choked, his voice faltering. I saw the effort it took for him to pull himself together. “I’m so fucking sorry about the baby, Riley. I’m sorry about every fucking thing... but I swear to you, if you’ll let me, I’ll make it up to you. All of it. No more running scared, no more denying. I’ll take anything I can get from you, anything you can give me, and I promise I will never hurt you again.” He dipped until his nose almost touched mine. “I’m in love with you, Riley. I think I’ve loved you since I was nine years old, and I don’t ever see that changing. I’m yours.” His chest rose high with his deep inhale and his eyes brimmed with all the emotion he was begging me to see. “If you’ll have me.”
I wanted to say yes. So damn bad the words swept up my throat and burned on the tip of my tongue. But everything he was sorry for, everything I was sorry for… I couldn’t disregard it so easily. We could take our messy past and try to erase it from the history books. We could burn those books to ash and bury them under six feet of mud. What we couldn’t do, though, was pretend it didn’t happen, or pretend it couldn’t happen again. I wouldn’t survive that. It wasn’t the sensible thing to do.
I rocked my head in the cocoon of his hands, eyes closed and tears coasting freely over my face.
“I can’t,” I whispered weakly.
“You can. We can!” he said, voice low and determined, while he gripped me tight, trying to pour his belief into me.
“No,” I breathed, head still shaking. “No,” I repeated, firmer now, as I tugged, extracting myself from his hold. With space between us, Reno's hands swung to his sides, heart break etched all over his beautiful face.
“No,” I said.
His head fell and his hands landed atop it, fingers linking over his hair. Exhaling through his nose, he stared at me—into me—his eyes despondent, then he nodded once.
I turned. And I ran.
The ground crunched, giving way easily beneath me as I followed the trail clumsily through a veil of tears, and away from Reno. The farther I got, the louder my instincts screamed to go back. The more I sensed that I was losing that part of myself again, the part I’d just got back. Only now, I knew what it was. Now I knew I’d always left a piece of my heart with him... and I was doing it again. It hurt so much, it felt like it might tear me in two. I couldn’t fathom how this could be the better option for me. How could the right thing feel so fucking wrong?
My steps faltered. Uncertainty gnawed at me, pulling me in two different directions. Heaving sobs built in my chest, the force of them painful, and I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth to hold them in. Forging forward on unsteady limbs, I emerged from the shelter of the trees and stopped. Various noises assaulted my ears and the flickering oranges and reds of the bonfire burned my eyes. I swiped the back of my hand under my eyes and over my face, trying to compose myself, to hide the evidence of my heart break. I couldn’t force my legs to move. I couldn’t make myself leave him. But how could I stay?
The sound of twigs snapping close by had me pulling up short and jerking my head round. My battered heart plunged to my feet when Raya Mitchell stepped into view. In no way was I battle ready. Completely ignoring her presence, I strode past her, hands still sweeping over my face.