But I decide to play along and set my cup down on the table, giving him my full attention. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
My son studies me a moment, his eyes somber. “You’re lovesick, and I think it’s dragging you down.”
Eyebrows jetting upward in shock, I exclaim, “Lovesick? What in the world are you talking about?”
I mean… he’s not wrong. But how in the hell would he even know?
“Something’s been bothering you since you came back from El Salvador, and I think it has to do with that other agent, Greer.”
“Why would you assume that?” I ask, aghast at his deduction—and slightly impressed at the same time.
“You didn’t introduce me to her, and you always introduce me to everyone. I asked Mom about it, and she said Greer was your old girlfriend.”
My jaw drops wide. “She did?”
“Yeah,” he replies with a shrug. “She cares about you and wants to see you happy. Mom seems to think Greer is the one.”
I actually feel dizzy, knowing that my son and ex-wife seem to have my love life all figured out, and here I’m the one with advanced training in human intelligence and clandestine affairs.
Picking up my cup, I take another sip of coffee, wishing it was bourbon. My mind drifts, puzzling out how I’ve given away so much to these people when I thought I was acting normally.
“Want to talk about it?” Ethan asks gently, reaching over and patting my hand.
I smirk at my son. “You’re like ten going on thirty with a psychology degree. Cut it out. It’s weird.”
“Settle back in your chair,” he says with a smarmy smile. “Tell me all your troubles.”
I laugh, shaking my head. My kid has always had such a sharp sense of humor and clearly understands more about human nature than I’ve ever given him credit for. And while I’d prefer never to put my worries on my child’s shoulders, at some point, he needs to know how I feel about Greer.
So I tell him everything—appropriate for his age, of course.
I tell him how she saved me, and how we fell madly, deeply in love. That we were engaged and I thought we’d spend our lives together.
I told him how it fell apart, because we were at different points in our lives when we each wanted different things, and it didn’t mesh.
And I was brutally honest that I didn’t do enough to compromise with her, and it cost me so much.
“Was she your soul mate?” Ethan asks curiously.
I feel a bit hot under the collar because I never want to diminish Britney in his eyes. He loves his mother like he loves oxygen. It’s with great care I try to explain. “There was a time when she was my soul mate, but then she wasn’t. It didn’t work out, and I moved on.”
“And met Mom,” he concludes.
“Yes, and I loved her very much. Still do, for that matter, as you know.”
Ethan nods sagely. Britney and I are very open and candid with Ethan that we still love each other, just in a very different way. He understands it’s a solid friendship based on our mutual love for him and our respect of each other as parents.
“But now you love Greer?” he asks.
There’s no hesitation in giving him the truth. “I do.”
“Are you sad because she doesn’t love you?” he asks hesitantly.
I shake my head. “No, not sad about that. I’m pretty sure she does, although we haven’t discussed it when we talk on the phone. I’m sad because I want to talk to her about it, but she keeps putting me off. Says she needs to think about things.”
Ethan nods again, his expression looking like a wise old man. “I’m sure she’s scared. Maybe she has some insecurities since you two didn’t work out before.”
“Maybe,” I murmur, all the while thinking maybe I should let my kid shrink me up more often.
Because what he just said resonates.
Perhaps Greer has some insecurities, and while Ethan doesn’t know about the years of guilt she’s suffered over us not working out, it’s a big deal for us to be back in each other’s lives. It’s a gamble, if anything.
And, I have to admit, I have my own insecurities. While I’m pushing Greer to talk with me about our future, I’m not pushing all that hard as part of me is afraid she’s not willing to take the risk at this point.
Maybe she’s afraid that I’m not truly willing to look past our history. Maybe she still doesn’t believe she’s worthy of a second chance. Could she be wallowing in so much self-doubt she’s not going to choose the path that leads to me?
“I know what the problem is,” Ethan says with confidence.
“What’s that?”
“You need to stop talking on the phone and do it face-to-face. You should look someone in the eyes when you talk about love and your future together.”