Her lashes fluttered and he braced for another explosive fight. But when she opened her eyes, she simply stared at him.
She broke eye contact and glanced away with a sigh but made no move to leave his hold. “I saw you.”
The thrill that jolted through his veins was unmatched. “You dreamt?”
“I suppose that’s what it was. I never had a dream before.”
“It’s a gift reserved for called mates.”
Another sigh.
“Larissa, a calling is a blessing.”
“It doesn’t feel like one.”
“You’re focused on the complications. Let me worry about that.”
She shook her head. “You’ll be disappointed.”
“Impossible.”
She looked at him again. “You don’t understand. I’m broken.” A tear slid from her eye. She shed the drop as if its presence did not affect her, as if she were simply resigned to be sad.
He forced her to sit up and face him. Looking directly into her eyes, he said, “This bruised perception you have of yourself will heal. But you have to be patient with yourself and also with me. We’re both in new territory, and we have a lot to learn about each other. Tolerance can go a long way, but there’s one thing I will never tolerate from you.”
Her mouth formed a stubborn line. “I figured as much.”
“I will not allow you to degrade yourself.”
Surprise flashed in her eyes before she lowered her head, hiding her face from his view.
Hooking a finger under her chin, he lifted her face. “Why does that make you cry?”
She sniffed and shook her head. “I can’t be your mate.”
“It’s not something you choose, Larissa. It’s something that simply is.”
“You don’t understand. I can’t…” She drew in a jagged breath. “I can’t bear the touch of a male.”
His heart sank. Images of the only other man who had intimate knowledge of her flashed through his mind, his imagination painting a cruel picture. “Why?”
“Because he broke me.”
A cold stone settled in the pit of his stomach. “How did he break you? Show me.”
She held his stare for a moment, and then her mind opened to him. He witnessed her memories from a first-hand perspective. Every sense and emotion was fresh and tangible.
Her father, Jonas, speaking to her about Silus’s request. She harbored so much curiosity and hope as a young, single female wishing only to find a partner in a big, lonesome world.
Their courtship was brief but pleasant. Picnics and after supper walks. Sometimes Larissa would visit him in the field, racing out to greet him with a cool glass of homemade lemonade.
Like in many Amish sects, Silus was eventually granted bundling privileges. Eleazar shifted uncomfortably at the vision of another male entering the childhood bedroom of his mate. But bundling was a long-standing tradition among the Amish.
Swallowing tightly, he pressed through the memory, watching Silus enter her room where she waited in only her underclothes beneath the sheets. His jaw locked and his mind jerked out of her memories, startling both of them.
Larissa looked up at him, her eyes wide with concern. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shown you that.”
He cleared his throat, forcing back his displeasure to fully understand what she experienced. Silus had done nothing outside of typical tradition.
Silus waited until the house was dark to enter her room. Approaching her bed, fully clothed, he exercised his granted right to explore Larissa’s body within reason, so long as he did not look at her or penetrate her.
Eleazar took issue with the act, and that shared sensation of another man touching his mate filled him with a murderous rage. He drew in a steadying breath but found it impossible to relax the tension now knotting his shoulders.
“We should keep going.”
Curious of her response to the other man, he suffered through the memories. He made her nervous and failed to arouse her, which pleased Eleazar to no end. In Larissa’s mind, the entire bundling was most comparable to being sized for garments or an inspection conducted by a healer. But as the courtship carried on, Silus’s sense of entitlement grew.
Eleazar watched recollections of her mother explaining the difference between a bundling bed and a marriage bed and suffered Larissa’s internal debate about confessing too much. But, in the end, she kept her silence, and Silus took advantage of her innocence.
Eleazar pushed forward in her memories, grinding his molars and, once again, wanting to slaughter the other man. He suffered through the clumsy petting and Silus’s slippery fumbling, truly comprehending how awful some of these practices must be for females. The selfish male never considered Larissa’s comfort when seeking his own.
Then he saw a memory he recognized—her wedding. Eleazar had performed the ceremony, and it was difficult to see himself through her eyes. She didn’t think much of him.
He would work on that.
He recalled the ceremony, but it looked different from her point of view. The reception was held at her home, but the bride and groom hadn’t stayed long.