* * *
Craig felt better about waiting out the storm, figured it was the right choice for the baby’s sake, just until the dark clouds dissipated, and yet, he knew it would have been much better for them had they left. Or for him. Sitting there, in a tiny little three-walled shack, seemingly alone in the world with Amelia Grace, felt...intimate. Personal.
“I have a question I’ve been wanting to ask you, but don’t want to open any doors,” she said as the silence settled around them on their bench for two, which was just a few painted two-by-fours nailed to four wooden legs. She settled against the wall behind them and as she leaned back her T-shirt settled around the small bulge in her belly.
That little lump hit him hard enough to knock the air out of him. Just as she was wanting to keep doors closed.
He wanted to reassure her that he would comply with her request, but couldn’t speak for a second so he nodded. He’d do whatever she needed. He knew that.
Didn’t mean it would be easy.
Or pleasant.
“Why did you want to know the sex of the baby?”
Hmmph. She was killing him. Slowly. Because he’d begged her to let him be a presence in her life. He was right where he wanted to be.
“Honestly?” The words came because the question had an answer. And because he wouldn’t let himself wonder why she was asking it. “So that when I’m in town, years from now, and see a boy that reminds me of my father, or pictures I’ve seen of myself, I won’t wonder if he’s mine if I know the child is a girl. Or vice versa, if I see a girl that looks like pictures I’ve seen of my mother...”
Turning her head along the wall, she glanced at him right as he was looking at her. Their gazes locked as she studied him and he wished he knew what she was thinking. Wished it hard.
“I know I’m going to wonder,” he added softly. “At least if I know the sex of the child, I’ll only wonder for the half the population.”
There. The whole truth. She’d asked.
And looked away at that last response.
He had no know idea what she’d been seeking.
“I’m afraid to know.” A new tone had entered her voice. Was it uncertainty?
“Why?” He was truly curious.
Her shrug, and glance in his direction, made him want to take her in his arms and hold her tenderly. For as long as either of them needed the contact.
“I can’t figure it out,” she told him. “Angie thinks it’s because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed. You know, if I really want a boy and it’s a girl. Or vice versa.” She kind of mocked the way he’d said that same thing a moment before, and accompanied the words with a self-deprecating grin and a shake of her head.
“I know it’s not that. I will be happy either way. I ask myself what I truly want, deep down, and all I ever come up with is a healthy baby. So I think I’m, you know, parroting in my brain what I know should be the best answer, but I just keep coming back to it. I really just want a healthy baby.”
She leaned her head against the wall again, staring slightly upward.
He couldn’t help another long glance at that small protrusion of her T-shirt. Was it sick for a guy to get turned on by the sight of a woman carrying his child?
He’d never seen Tricia pregnant. Hadn’t known Gavin as a newborn.
He’d loved him as though he’d been his own, though, but nothing about his previous life had prepared him for the current one.
Nothing in his medical background told him it was wrong to find his personal involvement with pregnancy sexy. To the contrary. If a patient had come to him, asking the same question, he’d have said he thought it was probably natural.
“My whole life, as long as I can remember, this is what I’ve wanted most,” she told him. “A baby of my own. A child to raise, innocent laughter in my home. Questions. Exploring the world through eyes that don’t know it all yet. Watching the way the freedom to challenge what you don’t understand plays itself out. Even the certainty and know-it-all-ness of the teen years. And the middle-of-the-night feedings. I can’t wait for those nights when I’m so tired and have to pull myself out of bed, anyway. Because that’s love. Real love.”
Craig suddenly knew, there in a shack that was getting chilly as they sat there in their sweat-dampened riding clothes, that exact moment was when he fell in love with the mother of his child.
* * *
Craig’s silence made Amelia uncomfortable. She’d said too much. Got too comfortable with him. She’d actually forgotten for a few minutes that, per the boundaries they set, per all agreements, he could only be the biological donor to the dream she’d been sharing with him.
She’d really just wanted to know why he’d wanted to know the sex of their child. And she was trying to understand the fight going on inside her and wasn’t ready to seek counseling about it yet. Didn’t really think it warranted that. It was just bugging the hell out of her. She’d look at the phone, think about calling to find out the baby’s sex, get all tense then feel relieved when she let herself off the hook.