“But what if you’re looking at the wrong truth?”
She shook her head again, trying desperately to stay above water so she didn’t drown in her own shortcomings. Because pushing Craig away didn’t feel like being true to herself, either. “I don’t get it,” she said, needing to understand. “How can truth be wrong?”
“You’re focused on being like Mom, based on what you were like with Mike, and on a house, a kind of home, that isn’t right for you.”
“Yeah. I hurt you, and those I care most about, Angie. The only way I live with myself is to remain focused on that. To learn from the mistakes.”
Angie sipped. Sitting upright, not even touching her hand like she usually did, leaving Amelia feeling cut off. Adrift. Not that she blamed her sister.
“How much time have we spent together the past three months?”
The innocuous question came out of the blue. Confusing her. “A lot.” Which had nothing to do with anything.
“How often have we talked?”
“All the time. Every day. Like always.”
“Exactly.”
“So?”
“So...you managed to have Craig in your life and still be there for me.”
That was different. “We weren’t a couple. I wasn’t putting him first.”
“I think you did. If you weren’t putting him first, you wouldn’t have ended things when you knew he was getting hurt.”
She’d stop anything she could if she knew she was hurting someone else.
“Remember, I’m your sister and attached to your hip,” Angie said. “I’ve been watching and I just wonder if maybe you and Craig have found a healthy relationship.”
By being apart?
“It’s not like either of us grew up with one to judge it by, or learn from,” Angie said laconically, and then continued, “but you seem to know that he won’t ask you to do anything that feels wrong to you. And you do the same for him. You don’t rely on each other so much as you support each other. It’s like you respect each other so much you don’t want to do anything that’s going to dishonor who either of you are, and what you need.”
“There is that,” she said. “But it’s because we’ve always known we weren’t a couple. Our lives aren’t tied together. My choices don’t have a direct effect on his life and vice versa.”
“Really.” More droll. “So your choice to use his sperm didn’t affect him? Or all those weeks of hauling bikes around three times a week, scheduling things around the sacred exercise time, didn’t affect his life? Because I have to tell you, it affected mine. I knew that unless there was an emergency I was not to ask you to do anything, or call you, during bike riding time.”
“I’m sor—”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Angie said. “This is what I’m getting at. Or kind of slowly coming to as I figure this all out. I don’t think our relationship is the healthiest, either,” she said, and Amelia started to spiral down so far she didn’t recognize herself.
Angie still wasn’t happy with her? With them? Hers and Angie’s was the one relationship she felt she had a grasp on and understood.
“It’s not fair or right that I rely on my big sister for all of my support, that I expect you to always be the key relationship in my life.”
Her face got cold. She stared, sure she was going to wake up from a nightmare. Angie took her hand, tears in her eyes. “I love our closeness. I love you. So much,” she said. “I know you’re always going to be a person I need to call when anything major happens in my life. I just need more. I need a life of my own. And I think you do, too.”
Amelia saw the tears on her little sister’s face and then she started really listening. Hearing Angie’s words and digesting their meaning.
“I think that the way we grew up, in that house with a mean drunk and a mother who wouldn’t or couldn’t protect us, made us closer than a lot of siblings and I’m thankful for that,” Angie continued. “I love it. I just think, as with anything, there are shadows to the bright sides. Maybe it made me, in particular, too reliant on you. I acted like I was your child, instead of Mom’s, looking to you to be for me what she was not. I expected you to put me first...”
“You were a kid, Angie. We both were. I just happened to be older. Please don’t think there’s anything wrong with us. I love us. And you. I can’t imagine a life without you.”
Angie nodded, and cried a little more, too. “I know. Me, too. I’m not going anywhere, believe me. I just... Think about what I said. Maybe a bit of adjustment is in order. And maybe, if you see things a little differently, you’ll be free to explore possibilities with Craig. Something that doesn’t involve that house he’s living in.”
“He loves that house.”