The idea was interesting. “Maybe. But not pharmacy. Not now.” She smiled at him. “Priorities change.”
He smiled back. “Don’t I know it?”
Her heart took up a strange hammering, a persistent tap like a Junebug hitting a screen door time and time again.
“Thank you for telling me, Luke. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t. But you were right. I do feel better, I think. Liz and Cait have different memories than I do. In some ways that is good. But it’s hard talking to them about it. I don’t want them to feel responsible for anything, and I think they will if I let on how hard it was.”
“Would you do it again?”
It was a loaded question, and one Emily had asked herself often since the disintegration of her marriage. Would she marry Rob again, knowing what she knew now? But then she thought of the good times, and about Sam, asleep in his room with the June breeze fluttering the curtain and the moon shining through the window. Nothing could take away the love she had for her boy. She knew her answer. What was Luke’s?
CHAPTER EIGHT
LUKE LEANED BACK against her bumper. What in the world had possessed him to talk to Emily this way? He never opened up to anyone, not even his sisters who had been with him all the way. He kept to himself, and that was how he liked it. And then Emily had blown into his life and turned everything upside down.
She had him talking. That was more of a surprise than his reaction to her. If he wasn’t careful, she’d have him wishing for all kinds of things he’d stopped wishing for years ago.
But her question stayed with him, and he looked at her, perched on the sawhorse, her cheeks flushed from the heat and her hair mussed from running her hand through it too many times. Would he do it again the same way? Sacrificing what he’d wanted to look after his sisters?
“Of course I would. They’d lost both their parents. They needed guidance and support. Who else would have stepped in?”
“What about support for you, Luke?”
Damn her eyes that seemed to see everything.
“I could say the same for you, Emily. Who is supporting you now?” She opened her mouth, but he cut her off. “Don’t bother, I know the answer. No one. You’re going it alone, too. What about your parents? Any other family?”
“I want to do this on my own.
I need to. I know they are there if I need them.”
“And then there’s Sam.”
Her eyes blazed and her back straightened. “Everything I do is for Sam!”
Luke smiled indulgently. “Calm down, I know that. Just as you get why I did what I had to for the girls. Choosing myself first would have been self-centered, especially when they needed me so badly.”
“You’re a good big brother,” she murmured. “Do the girls realize how much you gave up for them?”
He shrugged. “Does it matter? They are healthy and happy and I am happy for them.” He fought against the sinking feeling in his chest. He was happy for them with their strong marriages and beautiful children. He was thrilled they both had clean bills of health. He also knew that all three of them couldn’t be so lucky. Not that he would wish their father’s affliction on either of them. Of course not. But it stung just the same, seeing them with their picture-perfect lives and knowing the same wasn’t in the cards for himself.
It was a good thing Emily’s job only lasted until September. He would manage again after that. He’d put up with Cait coming and going and fussing. Getting closer to Emily wasn’t an option, not when he’d just have to push her away again.
“That’s all I want for Sam, too,” Emily said softly. “He’s essentially lost his father and his home and any place he’s belonged. Kids do better in consistent environments. Yanking him from place to place isn’t good for him. This is kind of like summer vacation for him. I know I’ve got to figure some things out and find us a more permanent situation.”
“You’re a good mother, Emily. Did you see his face today at the garden? He’s having the time of his life. He’s enjoying the outdoors, the freedom. And for all Liz’s meddling, the twins are good girls. He could do worse for playmates. You’re doing the right thing.”
“I don’t want him to get in your way, though. I know you have a farm to run. This thing about the tractor…don’t feel obligated.”
Luke blinked in surprise. What was it about the tractor? Was she worried he’d get hurt? Or did she just not trust him with her son? “Did I give you the idea I didn’t like children, Emily?”
“Well, yes, kind of.” A mosquito buzzed in front of Emily’s face and she brushed it away. He couldn’t tell if she were blushing or not because the heat kept her cheeks flushed, but he saw her shift her weight on the sawhorse and wondered.
“You weren’t excited about the baby. In fact, you lamented the fact that the newest member of the family was another girl, and came right out and said you didn’t want a family. Liz’s kids were here today and you barely gave them a glance. You can’t honestly say you want him underfoot,” she challenged. “He would get in your way.”
Luke stilled, feeling as if he’d been struck. Was it that obvious? Did Cait and Liz feel the same way? That he didn’t care about their kids? He had kept his distance because it was a constant reminder of how different his life was. But he hadn’t considered that they might feel slighted. Unloved. Regret sliced through him.