He turned toward his car. The first drops began, splashing over my face.
"You'd better hurry up inside. Going to be a downpour!" he called back. He started to run and got into his car.
I stood there, permitting the rain to fall on me. He beeped his horn and started away. I watched him go and then, perhaps to drive away my
disappointment more than lose any weight, I started to run after his car, ignoring the rain and not really being able to tell the difference between it and my own tears anyway.
Maybe. I thought. I should just keep on running. Or maybe. I should go back, pack my things, and leave in my car right now. Our attorney can look after the motor home. Just like Mrs. Westington's daughter. Rhona. I'd disappear like a puff of smoke. That's all I really was anyway, just a puff of smoke. Yes. I should leave. I thought.
The only real companion I had was a doll anyway.
5 Before and After
. When I returned to the house. I was literally soaked to the skin and quite exhausted. I stood in the entry-way holding my side and catching my breath. Sometimes, when I watched Brenda train and go through her exercises. I thought she was punishing her body for disappointing her during the most recent game or contest. I couldn't imagine how she could enjoy driving herself into pain and fatigue, but right now. I felt good punishing myself, perhaps for being so naive and so hopeful.
"What are you doing?" Mrs. Westington cried when she set eyes on me. "How did you get so wet? That's a cold rain out there. girl. Let's get you into a hot bath right away before you come down with pneumonia."
Echo came up beside her and stared at me. confused. She signed, "What happened?"
I signed back that I had gone running and got caught in the rain. I slipped off my sneakers and pealed off my soaked socks.
"Give me that," Mrs. Westington ordered. I handed her the socks. "Go on up and get out of those wet clothes. Start running the tub. Lardy dee."
Like a puppy at my heels. Echo followed me upstairs. I mumbled to myself with her behind me.
"You don't have to worry about me stealing your boyfriend. Echo. He couldn't care less whether I stayed or left this place. All he seems to care about is his mother and their business."
As soon as I got to my bedroom. I began to strip off my clothes. Echo stepped into the bathroom to run the tub for me. She signed to me quickly, telling me to hurry up before I got sick.
"I won't get sick," I said. I'm not made of paper and even if I did get sick and die, it wouldn't make all that much difference to anyone."
She didn't understand all that I had said, but she understood enough from my dark expression of unhappiness to look confused. "What's wrong?" she signed.
"What's wrong? What's wrong? Look at me!" I told her.
She tilted her head and shook it to indicate she still didn't understand my outburst. I was standing there in my bra and panties.
"Why should I look at you?" she asked. "What should I see?" She raised her hands.
Of course. I thought, how could she possibly understand the frustrations I felt? She lived like a girl in a plastic bubble. Her only real windows on the world were the novels she read, the little bit of television she watched without hearing a thing, and whatever Mrs. Westington, Trevor. or Tyler told her. None of them could tell her about a young girl's disappointments in herself and in the people she trusted. She had yet to understand her own
disappointments, especially the full meaning of what her own mother had done to her.
She stood there looking so unaware, so innocent, so lost to reality. I thought, I should be giving her lessons in real life whenever I could.
"Take off your clothes," I ordered, "Go on, do it."
She stared at me, looked at the bath, and then shrugged and began to undress. When she was down to her panties. I took her hand and pulled her abruptly next to me. Standing side by side, we looked at ourselves in the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. There I was with my tree trunk thighs and no waist standing in contrast to this beautifully developing young girl with curves and soft places I dreamed of being. We could be models for a before and after advertisement.
"See?" I signed, and seized the roll of fat around my waist and patted my bulging belly. "Sec?"
She still looked confused. I put my hand on her waist and on her belly. I pointed at her budding, perky breasts. "You're already pretty," I told her. "I'll never be."
She insisted I would and I told her not to worry about me.
"Just worry about yourself. I'm not worth anyone worrying over." She looked like she was going to cry. "It's all right. It's okay." I signed. "I don't care anymore."
I really didn't care anymore. I took off my bra and panties and stepped into the hot tub. She came over and spilled in some bubbly bath powder. I lowered myself into the water, tempted to just keep going until my head was underneath so I could keep it there and end my agony. Echo stepped around the tub, took a washcloth, and began to wash the back of my neck and my back for me. Despite my desire to feel bad and suffer, it did feel good. The hot bath, the delicate scent of the bath powder, and her soft touch relaxed me.