I wasn't crying anymore. I had drained the well of tears dry. I tried to occupy myself with some of the schoolwork that had been sent home for me, but it was as if I had lost part of my mind or that place was now empty and hollow. Words and thoughts drifted aimlessly through it without any purpose.
Trent called, but even the sound of his voice didn't lift me enough to come out of the dark. He tried.
"I wish I had met him." he said.
Yes, I thought. I wish you had. I wish Daddy would have been able to come to my room afterward and tease me about you and then take joy in my declaration of loyalty to him, that I could never love anyone more, He -would smile and shake his head and say, "You'd better, Sailor Girl. I want grandchildren."
Grandchildren.
If I h
ad any, all they would be able to do would be to look at an old photograph. They'd have same curiosity for a moment, and then it would pass, and he would be like any other historical face.
One day about a week after the funeral Mommy came to my room to tell me we would be moving. Of course, I had expected it.
"I want you to take your exams as best you can. Grace. Finish the school year at least. It will be important for you when you start somewhere new."
"Where will we go, Mommy?"
She sat on my bed, "I have a good friend who lives in West Palm Beach. Florida," she began. "She was my best friend in high school. We've been talking. She was one of the first people I called. Her name is Dallas Tremont. She and her husband own a famous upscale restaurant called the Tremont Inn. I thought we would move to West Palm Beach and I would work in her restaurant."
"Work in a restaurant? Doing what?" I asked. surprised. "Cooking?"
"No," she said. smiling. "I'm not a gourmet cook by any means. No. I'll hostess and waitress."
"Waitress?" I couldn't imagine my mother doing that.
"What else can I do. Grace? I never went to college, honey. I was a Navy bride almost
immediately out of high school. so I'm not qualified to do much more," she said. "Take a lesson from me, and be sure you go to college and develop some sort of career before you get married."
She saw the look of shock and fear on my face. We were leaving the sanctity and comfort of the naval community. We were going out there, beyond the gates. It was almost like going to another country, where my mother would work and not be a Navy wife,
"Don't look so worried, honey. After your exams, we'll pack the car and head south. It will be fun for us this time. We'll take our time, see some sights along the way. Dallas is finding us a nice apartment nearby, and she assures me there are excellent schools for you to attend, maybe even a magnet school. For once you will be somewhere with some real permanence."
I didn't say it. but I would be willing to move every week if I could have Daddy back, I didn't have to say it. She knew it.
"One other thing I want you to know," she said, looking away. My heart began to race in anticipation. "We told you our intentions, so I don't want you thinking about it and worrying. I am not pregnant. Maybe my body is smarter than I am." she added. "I don't think I could stand having your father's child without him being right there, and taking care of a little baby now seems like a monumental task."
I didn't know what to say. I wasn't happy or sad about it. I just nodded and let it go like something that just wasn't meant to remain with me.
There was much for Mommy to do before we left. and I did have to concentrate and do as well on my exams as I could. A few days later I returned to school. I hated it because I could see the pity and even the fear in the faces of many of the other students. Wendi and Penny did their best to be civil to me. but I wouldn't let them feel satisfied. I wanted it to lie heavily on their consciences, if they had any consciences.
Of course. Trent was as loving as he could be. I saw the deep disappointment in his face when I told him Mommy and I were leaving Norfolk and going to live in West Palm Beach.
"I know of a two-week baseball camp held in Florida during the winter. Maybe I can get my parents to send me there," he said. He didn't know what else to say. We promised to write and call and e-mail each other as much as possible when I did get a computer, but these were promises that came from us like jet-propelled ideas. We knew they would lose their fizz and fall to earth like exhausted rockets.
Remarkably I did well on my tests. Trent said he did better than ever and again thanked me. I knew I hadn't helped him all that much, especially with the other subjects, but he was determined to make it seem as though I had been the reason for his improvement in everything. The day we were leaving, he came over to our house to help us pack the car. He was doing much better with his ankle now and just limping a bit, not using a crutch. Some of the other officers' wives came by. too. There was a lot of hugging and kissing and wishing of good luck.
Trent and I stood on the sidelines watching it all as if we were in a movie theater and it was happening to fictional characters. How I wished that were so. The minutes that ticked by were so heavy I could almost feel the movement of the clock's hands inside me. When we looked at each other. the truth was so evident in our faces we could have had it printed on our foreheads: We'll never see each other again. We'll never really know each other, and maybe after a phone call or two, a letter or an e-mail, we'll fall away from each other, drift off and find someone else.
Trent, I thought, you will be forever my first love. All men I meet I will measure against you, even though I don't really know all about you, I'll invent the rest. You will be my perfect beau.
I imagined he thought the same about me. At least we had given each other that much.
We went off to kiss goodbye, to hold each other and make the suitable promises.
Then we walked hand in hand to the car where Mommy was talking with Vice Admiral Martin's wife, who was so nice I wondered how she could have a daughter like Penny.