"That's me. What about us, Claude?"
"I don't know," I said. "I know what I wish and want. but I don't know. Grace. It's very complicated with your being my patient and all."
"You're so honest with me." she said, turning and bracing herself on her elbow, "You could easily make up a fantasy, tell me a story, give me some false hope, but you won't."
"I try to give it to myself and fail," I said. smiling.
"What else is there but the moment, the here and now anyway?" she asked, laughing with a wonderfully pure abandon. Then she stopped, held my gaze in hers for a moment before she leaned down and kissed me. I closed my eyes and willed this all to be forever and ever, willed away any obstacles.
We made love in that field that day. Willow, and there is no doubt in my mind, that was the day you were conceived. How many children get to know that, the where and the when and the beauty of the moment? I hope you cherish this revelation and see it for the wonderful time it was. Perhaps now you can understand why I would not trade a moment, not erase a second of my life with your mother.
When we returned and Nadine Gordon practically attacked me with the news I had kept another patient waiting too long for his session. I should have realized that things would become more and more difficult. But my heart was too full. Even her ice-cold eyes and granite-like face of chastisement couldn't shake me. Behind her back, I held Grace's hand in mine and then I let her go and went on to do my work.
Little did I know that day that what would end the grand struggle for Grace's and my destinies had taken place: your conception.
I'm sure you're wondering why I was so careless. Here I was a man of science, a logical, reasonable man who was spending his adult life helping other people avoid mistakes that would impact on their lives, and I, your efficient, meticulous, and dedicated professional father, behaved like nothing more than a foolish teenager. What was I thinking?
If I bother analyzing myself. I might conclude that I wanted this relationship so much, Willow, I was willing at least subconsciously to risk everything to have it. I permitted myself to believe that should Grace become pregnant with my child, we would be together forever. You were to make that happen.
Of course, nothing could be more romantic and foolish on my part. Not only would I destroy my own life and career. I would damage Grace, and who knew what Jackie Lee would do about that? Ironically, by not thinking about birth control, all I had really accomplished was to drive the love of my life from me.
It didn't happen for some time, of course. Over the next few weeks and months. Grace did exactly what she had done before when she was pregnant with Linden. She revealed nothing. But to be fair to her, she was caught in a new turmoil herself and not a new turmoil of her own making. And I am not just speaking of my actions. Willow.
Not long after Jackie Lee's first visit and Grace's and my walk to the river, a dark shadow resembling the dark shadows Sandy hallucinated came into Grace's life, or should I say our lives? It began subtly.
First. I noticed how tired Grace often was. I asked her about this during one of our doctor-patient sessions, and she told me she was having strange dreams lately. They did resemble vivid hallucinations. She woke often during the night, and one night she woke screaming. The nurse on duty that evening. Suzanne Cohen, had a report for me in the morning. Of course, I looked into it immediately.
My first terrible fear. Willow, was that my relationship with Grace and the conflicts it was creating in her were bringing about this new emotional and mental problem. I tied observing her unnoticed, especially when she was in the recreation room or the arts and crafts area. and I saw how frequently she looked distracted, even dazed. When I questioned her more and more about it, she grew more and more fragile, often bursting into tears, crying she didn't know why she wasn't sleeping, she didn't know why she was having terrible nightmares.
I began to wonder if her medications weren't being dispensed correctly and did check into it to find some errors in dosages during Nadine Gordon's shifts. This was very uncharacteristic of her, and she apologized profusely. For a while that seemed to correct things.
And then, a terrible crisis occurred. I arrived at the clinic in the morning and found bedlam and tumult going on in the patients' dormitory. I hurried to it where I discovered Dr. Wheeler frying to calm Grace. Her hysterics had triggered Sandy, who was
screaming in the hallway and pounding her fists at the walls to drive away those dark shadows she still saw everywhere. Other patients were agitated as well, and my staff was fully involved, attendants and our two additional nurses working on calming everyone. Ralston came flying in after me.
"What's happening?" I cried, rushing to Grace's door.
Nadine Gordon stepped out and glared at me for a moment before saying, "Someone took her teddy bear."
"What?"
Obviously, because of the nature of our patients, we couldn't put locks on their bedroom doors. We couldn't permit them to have the ability to shut themselves in and away from us. From time to time, one or another patient did wander into the wrong room or take someone else's things.
I charged in and saw Wheeler was about to give Grace some sedation. She had torn her room apart looking for her teddy bear. The lamp on the
nightstand was shattered on the floor and lay there along with all the spilled drawers. The bed had been ripped at and the small desk in the corner was turned upside down,
"What is it?" Ralston asked me.
"Her teddy bear's gone." I said, now very frightened for the both of us. She was looking directly at me and crying. "It was a very special gift from her father.
"Hold off, Dr. Wheeler," I ordered. "I'll see to her." I said. "Help with the others."
He looked at Ralston. who nodded. and then he handed me the syringe and left the room. Nadine Gordon stood in the doorway watching and waiting for further orders. I sat on the bed and took Grace's hand in mine. Her sobs shook her body, but she had her lips clamped shut. There was a slight scratch at the side of her left temple where she either had clawed herself in desperation or grazed her head against something during her frantic search.
"It's all right. Grace," I said. "We'll find it."
Her lips trembled so hard. I thought her face would shatter right before my eyes.