"You don't know what this has come to mean to me," he began. "I put all my dreams in you. All my disappointments are piled up and waiting to be crushed. You're the hope. honey. I watched you grow into this, take on the music like some magnificent, beautiful gown and go strutting across the stage. You've brought me the only joy I've had these years. And you're just starting. I know it. Ice. I know it in here," he said holding his hand over his heart, "Don't give up on me now,
"Don't be me," he declared firmly. "You go right home from here and you go into my third dresser drawer. You lift the clothes in the right corner and you take out that trumpet mouthpiece. understand?
"You hold it tightly in your hand and you think of me selling my trumpet and spending my whole life wondering 'what if?' And you take that mouthpiece with you to the audition. Do it for me and forget all the rest.
"Will you? Will you?"
"Yes, Daddy," I promised.
He reached out and touched the tear zigzagging down my cheek. And he smiled.
"You're melting. Ice," he said laughing. "and it's just fine.
"Just fine."
Epilogue
Balwin drove me. We had asked and been given permission for him to be my accompanist. Mama knew nothing about it. She thought I was going to school as usual and then going to visit Daddy.
I think my heart pounded all the way to New York City. When we arrived at the little theater. I was so terrified. I couldn't move my legs. I looked at Balwin and he laughed.
"I've seen stage fright and I've seen stage flight," he said. "but you've got stage terror."
"It's not funny. Balwin. I'm going to make a fool of myself," I cried.
"Then you'll make one of me, too," he declared firmly. He held out his hand and I got out of the car. "Take a deep breath," he said. "Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Go on. Relax yourself. This is nothing. If she doesn't like you, it's her loss, not yours.'
"Right," I said. "Sure."
He laughed and we entered the theater. It was so quiet and empty. I thought we had come on the wrong day. Suddenly, a tall, thin dark- haired woman emerged from the shadows, her heels clicking on the tile floor of the small lobby.
"Are you this Ice Goodman?" she asked holding a paper in her right hand. She had large brown eyes and a sharp nose, so pointed at the tip, I thought she could cut steak with it.
"Yes," I said.
"You're ten minutes early, but that's fine. Madam Senetskv is in the theater. And this is your accompanist?" she asked nodding at Balwin.
"Balwin Noble," Balwin said extending his hand. She simply looked at it and nodded.
"Go right to the stage and begin." she ordered, turned and retreated into the theater.
"Ready?" Balwin asked.
"No," I said.
"Good," he said and led the way.
It was dark except for some small light on the stage. It took a moment for my eyes to get used to the auditorium. At first I thought there was no one there and then I saw someone sitting all the way in the rear.
Balwin continued down the aisle to the piano. He sat, set out the music and looked at me. Then he nodded at the stage.
"Just do it as we have been." he said.
I looked back toward the woman in the rear. She was like a manikin. I couldn't make out much detail. but I saw that her hair was pulled tightly up into a coiled chignon at the top of her head. a little toward the rear where it was clipped. Why weren't there more people here. I wondered, and where was that tall, sour-looking woman who had greeted us?
Shaking.. I stepped up onto the stage. Balwin had me do a quick warm-up and then I looked at him and he nodded. I took a deep breath and he began.
I sang as best I could. As I went on. I felt myself relax and I thought only of the song itself and then, as if by magic. I thought I saw Daddy sitting in the first row. looking up and me and smiling.