“I’ll be like a prisoner.”
“You’re a prisoner of your own condition.”
“But I don’t feel that way. I don’t want to have any baby, for Daddy or anyone. I’m not doing this to myself!” I cried.
“Yes, you are!” she screamed back at me. She looked angrier than I could ever remember. “You’re doing this for the Heavenstones.”
I was speechless at her rage and also confused. She made it sound as if she were angry and approving simultaneously. I shook my head.
“Just do what I said,” she added in a calmer tone. She could turn her moods on and off like a hot and cold faucet. “I’ve got to go to the office. Watch yourself,” she warned. “Remember. Don’t embarrass the family.”
I remained in my room for almost an hour after she left. Her words had made me tremble, and the trembling didn’t want to subside. I was still in shock from what the doctor had said. Every once in a while, I stopped at a mirror and looked at myself. How could my subconscious mind, my own imagination, be doing this to me? For a while, I wandered about aimlessly, disinterested in anything and everything. Then I went to my computer and looked up pseudocyesis. It was exactly how Dr. Samuels had described it, and there was even a reference to Mary Tudor, whom Cassie had mentioned.
Even though I read this and understood, I couldn’t stop myself from experiencing all of the symptoms of pregnancy during the days and weeks that followed. I tried not to have a bigger appetite, but my resistance was weak, and I ate more than I should have. Every morning, I weighed myself and saw that I was still gaining, and my waist and stomach were expanding. Cassie saw this, too, and one morning, she had left the girdle for me to wear. It was very uncomfortable, so I wore it only when Daddy came home, or at least I tried to restrict it to that. Cassie would appear, see I wasn’t wearing it, and go into one of her rages.
“You’ll make a mistake and go outside when the workers are around or something is delivered. Unless you stay only in your room, you put it on.”
I couldn’t disagree. Uncle Perry had appeared at the door unannounced one afternoon, and I had almost neglected to put on the girdle.
“Hey,” he said when I went to the door. “How are you, Sam? I was visiting a manufacturer not far from here and thought I’d stop by.”
I stood staring out at him stupidly. In the back of my mind, I was worried that Cassie wouldn’t approve of my inviting him in right now.
“Hi. I’m fine,” I said.
“Can I come in? I’ve got a little time,” he said.
“Of course.” I stepped back, but I was very nervous and afraid he would see it.
“It’s pretty hot today,” he said, gazing around but eyeing me suspiciously. “Got something cold to drink?”
“Oh, sure. I made some lemonade this morning.”
“Perfect,” he said, and followed me to the kitchen. “I’ve been asking about you. Sorry I haven’t come around, but Teddy is making some major changes, and we’ve all been quite busy. If I ever needed a vacation, now is the time.”
“Are you going anywhere soon?” I asked, pouring him a glass of lemonade and pouring one for myself.
“I’m supposed to go to Greece. A friend has a friend in Athens, and from there we’re going to some islands, Mykonos, Crete, and a less known one, Chios. His friend has a yacht.”
“That sounds wonderful. I want to travel like you someday, too.”
“You will,” he said. “I’m sure.” He sat at the kitchenette.“So, tell me, what have you been doing with yourself besides the home-schooling?”
“Lots of reading, cooking, taking care of the house.”
“Still no having friends visit or doing things with them?”
“No. But,” I added quickly, “I’m sure I’ll make new friends soon.”
“Really? I understand from Teddy that you want to continue home-schooling.”
“Fo
r a while, yes.”
“Why?”
“I’m just more comfortable with it now. I’ll be all right.”