”
“Yes, Haylee. We always defend each other, remember?”
“As long as you remember,” she said. She paused in the doorway on her way out. “The point I was trying to make before you spoiled it, Kaylee, was that I enjoyed it, very much. I feel . . . older, too, like when I got my first period.” She thought a moment, smiled, and added, “You don’t have to worry about my going after your Matt Tesler. I’m no longer interested in boys who are virgins.”
“How do you know he is?”
“I can tell. Once you do it, you can tell,” she said. “It’s like you got a new pair of eyes, eyes that can see a lot more. Sweet dreams, sister dear,” she said, and went to her bedroom.
Her words hung there for a few moments, but they didn’t just go away. When I put out the light and lay back on my pillow, I couldn’t help thinking about her description of sex between her and Jimmy. I saw myself doing it, but with Matt. Surely it would be different, I thought. Despite how good she said it made her feel, it still seemed more like she was getting something out of the way, more of an initiation than an act of love. That wasn’t the way I wanted sex to be for me, and if I came off as more of a prude as a result, so be it.
When I finally did close my eyes, I felt suddenly relieved and even happy.
There was no doubt.
Haylee and I were identical twins, but we were as different as girls from two separate families.
9
Mother was dressed and ready to go shopping even before Haylee and I went down to have breakfast. She had her hair pinned up severely. From the way she was banging pans and slamming drawers, I knew something was bothering her. I hadn’t heard our phone ringing, and she was rarely on Daddy’s computer for emails, so I didn’t think someone had contacted her to tell her something about us or Daddy that would upset her. Haylee and I looked at each other and meekly moved through the kitchen to get our juice. Mother always laid out the vitamins she wanted us to take in two perfect rows beside our juice glasses.
“I’m making scrambled eggs,” she announced, in a tone that told us Don’t dare object. She wasn’t even looking at us. She stirred the eggs and milk like a witch driven by rage rushing her brew.
The table was already set, so we sat. Haylee went from fear to suspicion. Did she think I had gone to speak to Mother after she had left my room last night? I shook my head, but she wouldn’t stop glaring at me with those eyes of accusation. Mother didn’t notice or start interrogating us.
“Don’t just sit there like guests. Make your toast,” she commanded, and we both jumped up and went to the toaster. Nearly a year ago, she had decided it was all right for us to have coffee at breakfast. While the bread was being toasted, I poured us each a cup. I set Haylee’s by her plate. She waited for the toast and brought it on a dish to the table. Mother hadn’t said another word. She finished making the eggs and scooped out eight perfectly equal tablespoons for each of us. Then she stepped back to watch us eat.
“Aren’t you having any breakfast, Mother?” I asked.
“I’m not hungry this morning. I’ll eat something later.”
We ate at our usual simultaneous pace. However, Mother’s staring was making us both quite nervous. Finally, she sat with a cup of coffee in hand. We hesitated as she lowered and then raised her gaze. Her lips trembled as her thoughts rippled across her face. Even Haylee was frightened now. We both held our breath.
“I had to agree to let you go to dinner tonight with your father,” she announced through clenched teeth. “I didn’t tell you last night because I thought it might disturb you and keep you from getting a good night’s sleep, as it did me.”
“Dinner?” I asked.
“Believe me, I didn’t want to allow it, but my attorney said I should. Whatever your father tells you will be lies,” she quickly continued. “The best I can say about it is that it will be a good lesson for you. You’ll see how a man equivocates and rationalizes his selfish misbehavior. He’ll try to turn me into a villain and make himself look like a victim.”
“How can he be a victim?” Haylee asked. “He’s left us for another family.”
“Exactly,” Mother said. Then she smiled. “I’m not worried about you. You’ll not be easily turned against me.”
“Of course not,” Haylee said.
Oh, if Mother only knew how Haylee really felt about her, I thought. I quickly agreed, but I added one thought that Mother didn’t appreciate. “I wish it had never come to this. I know how in love you both once were.”
“Love?” She grimaced as though just saying the word gave her a headache. “Animal passions too often disguise themselves as love,” she said. We widened our eyes at her admitting to sexual lust. “The woman is always at a disadvantage. Once you make love to a man, he thinks he owns you. Beware of that, and realize why it’s not wise to give yourself away too cheaply or too quickly.”
I looked pointedly at Haylee. She started to eat again, faster this time. Mother was staring ahead and didn’t notice her reaction.
“Real love is an investment of yourself. You drop every natural defense you possess and replace it too soon with trust and dependence.” She paused and looked from Haylee to me. “Love, or the feelings you will come to call love, can be very, very dangerous. Men don’t have the same sensibility. They won’t even realize it when they do hurt you, and then, when they do, as I told you, they’ll find a way to blame you. Tread softly through your adolescent years. It’s an emotional minefield. There are no immortal promises, not even the ones you make on your wedding day.”
“We can still have fun as long as we’re careful, right, Mother?” Haylee ventured. I would have preferred that she not say anything. In the mood Mother was in, any conversation concerning the opposite sex could turn into a swamp.
“Careful?” Her laugh was enveloped in a cold sneer. “That’s the most-used self-delusion you’ll experience. When people say you can never be too careful, what they really mean is you can never be careful. Period, end of sentence.” She rose.
Haylee looked at me to see if I would say something, but I shook my head. I especially didn’t want her to talk. This wasn’t the time to promote the good effects of a romantic social life, not when Mother was so down on it.