“It would still happen, Mason. I’ve explained it to you many times. No child is more susceptible to inferiority and other complexes than an identical twin,” she recited. “It’s a vulnerability clearly recognized in the psychological community.”
She made sure we also had the same television sets and the same computers. Mother didn’t permit us to have our own phones when other kids our age were getting theirs. She didn’t actually come out and say it, but I don’t think she wanted either of us to have separate friends for as long as possible. If someone wanted to be friends with me, he or she had to be friends with Haylee, and vice versa. And in that case, we didn’t need two separate phones. One of us could talk for the other. We were rarely anywhere alone anyway.
When she finally permitted us to have separate phones, we could speak to different classmates. We were both in high school by then, freshmen, and some things had begun to change. It was clear that each of us was trying harder to be her own person. Haylee wanted to wear different clothes and do different things with her hair, but that was still something Mother resisted.
“Why do you want to do that?” she’d ask with a pained look on her face. “You should be very proud of who you both are. You’re both remarkable. What parent wouldn’t want to double up on so much beauty and intelligence? Both your father and I feel very lucky to have you. Don’t be so eager to change anything about yourselves. You’ll always be happier if you don’t.”
Whenever she told us that, I would look at Haylee to see if she was comforted by it or if it would change her behavior. She nodded just like I did, but I didn’t think she was convinced or at all happy about the idea. She was good at hiding her true feelings, much better at it than I was, actually. I was sure in my heart that if Haylee could find something very different from me about herself, she would pounce on it and treasure it.
Sometimes when Haylee looked at me, I could almost see her imagining us being separated in an operation like the one to detach conjoined twins, something we had watched a show about on the science channel. When the documentary was over, I saw the way she was staring at me. We weren’t physically conjoined, of course, but I could see that if we were, she would want that operation, even if the operation meant I would die.
This wasn’t something I knew for a long time, but when I finally did believe it, it was too late, for I was practically naked and alone in the darkness, waiting in vain for her to rescue me.
3
Until we were eight years old and Mother had decided we were ready to enter the third grade, she homeschooled us. When Daddy first heard her plan, he disagreed, and they had another argument, something that was happening more and more frequently by then.
“They’re not having much contact with other children as it is, Keri,” he said. “You won’t even let them play with the neighbor girls.”
Of course, both Haylee and I were hoping he would win the argument, but Mother was determined to give us the “special preparation” we needed, and that required isolation.
“I’ve told you time and time again how important their development is during these formative years, Mason. They have to be groomed carefully.”
“Groomed carefully? Sometimes you make it sound like they’re not special, like they’re handicapped,” Daddy replied, almost casually, which resulted in the worst outburst Mother had ever had until then. It was even worse than the times she would pound her own leg in frustration.
Haylee and I were having our lunch at the kitchenette. It was a Saturday, and Daddy had invited some of the men who worked with him to play tennis doubles. Fortunately, none of them had arrived yet.
She began by slamming a dish so hard on the kitchen counter that it shattered into dozens of pieces. Daddy stepped back, his eyes wide. Mother didn’t seem to realize what she had done at first. She started to talk slowly and very low. I felt very frightened, and when I looked at Haylee, I saw that her eyes were as full of fear as mine.
“Handicapped? You accuse me of thinking they are handicapped? The most perfect twins in all of Pennsylvania, perhaps the country? And why, because I have the foresight to envision how other children will treat them, not only other children but their teachers, and what damage that could do to them?”
She stepped toward him, a piece of the broken dish still in her hand.
“Do you have any idea what a curiosity they will be, and do you even know how vicious and mean children can be to one another? Do you?” she repeated, raising her voice.
Daddy stood there, frozen. He was shocked at what he saw in her face. He started to shake his head.
“And what I’ve been trying to prepare them for and build them up to be strong against all these years?” Her face was so red, the veins in her neck so visible under her skin, that she looked like she might pop out of her body.
“Okay, okay,” Daddy said, putting his hands up. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
She stared at him so hard I thought she might burn a hole in his cheek, but after a moment of silence that seemed to make our ears ring, she relaxed her body and began to clean up the broken dish.
Daddy moved forward to help.
“Leave it!” she snapped. “Get ready for your playmates.”
Daddy looked at us, and he seemed more frightened by the expressions on our faces than by any look of Mother’s. He backed up to the doorway. “Sorry, Keri,” he repeated. “I’m sure you’re right. Sorry.” He left, looking like someone happy to get away with his skin still on his body.
It wasn’t until he had left that I realized Haylee had seized my hand, and we were squeezing each other tightly. She released mine first. Mother said nothing. She cleaned off the counter and then vacuumed the kitchen floor while we finished eating. When we were done, as we always did, we brought our dishes and silverware to the sink. Both of us were afraid we had done something wrong, too, but she surprised us by smiling and changing her voice into her loving, soft, almost melodic tone.
“What your father doesn’t realize,” she said, “is that I’ve been homeschooling you since the day you were born. That’s how unaware he is about what is happening here. We’re simply going to get more formal about it now. I’ve studied up on homeschooling, and I know exactly what has to be done. Don’t be surprised. Daddies are oblivious to their own families more often than not. It’s the way men are built. They never stop thinking about toys and games. It’s why most of them are surprised one day to learn their daughters have
become little women. When you finally do attend a school outside of this house, you will see very quickly who is handicapped and who isn’t.” She widened her smile and then hugged us. “I’ll let you know soon when we’ll start the official first day of homeschool.”
She turned back to the sink, and I took Haylee’s hand and led her out of the kitchen. Our hearts were still doing flip-flops. I could feel Haylee’s body trembling, and I was sure she could feel mine. Neither of us said anything until we heard Daddy’s friends arriving. Then we decided to go out and watch them play. One of Daddy’s coworkers, Bryce Krammer, was always amused by the sight of us. He called us the Mirror Sisters and asked us to tell him which one was which.
“Does your daddy ever make a mistake when he talks to you?” he asked.