“We’ll take you home to change,?
? she said when we left the ICU. “I’ll pick you up in two hours.”
“Why didn’t we tell Mama that we had spoken with her doctor, too?” I asked on the way out of the hospital.
“You have to let her handle this the way she wants to handle it, M,” Roxy said. “Otherwise, it will be even worse for her, not that it can get much worse,” she added in a softer voice.
We got into the limousine. The driver had been watching for us and had the vehicle right in front of the hospital.
“She looked so small in that bed,” I said. “Didn’t she?”
“Yes.” She looked out the window. “But the last time I really looked at her, before I left home, she looked smaller, more like she was the child and I was the mother. I think what was happening was just too overwhelming for both of us.”
I described what Mama had told me about the way she went looking for her, often taking me along with her.
“I wasn’t in the city then.”
“Where were you?”
“At a house on Long Island.”
“Why? I mean, how did you get to be there?”
“It’s a long story,” she said.
“Didn’t you ever think of coming back?”
“Yes, but by then, it was too late.”
“Too late? Why?”
“I don’t want to talk about all that now, M. It almost seems unfair of me while she’s in there so sick. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, seeing how adamant she was.
“We’ll have a good dinner,” she promised, softening her tone.
When she dropped me off at the house, I hurried in to change. I had so many feelings twisting and turning around inside me. It felt as if I had swallowed a ball of rubber bands. There was the terrible heaviness of Mama’s condition driving me to burst out in hysterical sobs, and there was the excitement of being with Roxy and getting to know her again. What she had done, how she had gotten to where she was, all of it was fascinating to me. I was confident that we would draw closer and she would tell me everything, but feeling good about it or what it might mean seemed out of place right now. I felt guilty not thinking only of Mama.
The phone rang while I dressed, but I didn’t answer it, nor did I check the answering machine. I didn’t want to hear anyone else’s voice or speak to anyone. I knew how well dressed and put together Roxy would be when she came to pick me up, and for the time being, at least, concentrating on my own appearance took my mind off everything else. Of course, I was afraid she would cancel on me again, and that was mostly why I wouldn’t answer the phone. Finally, just about two hours later, I heard the door buzzer and put on my coat. The driver was there. Roxy was waiting in the limousine.
She did look beautiful. She wore a black coat with a white collar and a black dress beneath. Her hair had been done in an updo so her diamond teardrop earrings were easily seen. I saw she had a diamond bracelet, too.
“Don’t you look nice,” she said. But then she added, “I’ll have to give you some tips about makeup. I think you can do more flattering things with your hair, too.”
“I’m not exactly trying to look beautiful tonight, Roxy,” I said, even though I had tried.
“We always try to look beautiful, M. Don’t let any woman tell you otherwise.”
She took me to one of her favorite small restaurants on the Lower East Side. She explained that it was one of the few places she went to alone. The staff knew her and even knew what wine she liked and where she liked to sit.
“You should return to school tomorrow,” she told me after we had ordered.
“It will be a waste of time. I won’t be worth anything there,” I said.
“You won’t be worth anything just sulking in waiting rooms or hovering around her, either. You’ll only make her nervous and upset. She has to believe that you can handle this.”
“I can,” I insisted.