* * *
Nell had a habit of asking all the questions that Hugo didn’t want to answer. He supposed that on some level, he must have known that she’d get around to this sooner or later. Perhaps on some level he’d wanted her to.
‘I can’t fall short, Nell. I’ve been given a great deal in life, and it’s my duty to repay it.’
‘What makes you think you aren’t?’
‘You’ve seen the kids at the hospital.’ He knew that Nell would understand that.
‘Yes, I have. And I know you’re doing your best for them. We can’t do any more than our best.’
‘And my best may not be good enough.’ Hugo’s greatest fear was right there, on his lips. As if somehow Nell had managed to entrance it, and coax it from its hiding place.
‘It’s all we have. And we’re allowed to take some time out and have a life, to have holidays and take some time off when we’re sick.’ Nell frowned, and Hugo braced himself for whatever was to follow. He knew that look.
‘I can’t believe that you don’t have someone to come home to at night. That you’re so sure you won’t that you can commit yourself to a fake engagement for the next few months.’
Hugo had got used to coming home to Nell at night, and it was almost a shock to be reminded that it wasn’t real. But he’d made that decision a long time ago.
‘That’s not as easy as you think, Nell.’
‘It’s never as easy as anyone thinks. I know that.’
Suddenly he wanted to explain. It was the first time that he’d felt that someone might understand, as a friend.
‘I did have someone once. I was going to get married. Anna and I met at medical school in London, and we lived together for a couple of years. I told her that I wanted to come back to Montarino and she wanted to come with me, but when we got here...’
Nell nodded him on.
‘I had a new job and got caught up in that and the round of engagements that the palace had planned for me. I was happy to be home and... I didn’t look closely enough at what was going on within our relationship. I didn’t see that Anna was feeling trapped on the sidelines.’
‘She didn’t have a job?’
‘Everyone expected that she was going to be a royal bride. She was offered a lot of roles as patron of various medical facilities, which would take effect after our marriage, but she didn’t want her success to come through me. Anna was worth a great deal more than that, and leaving me and going back to London was the best decision she ever made. She has a fulfilling career now, and a husband who doesn’t take up so much space that she can’t breathe.’
‘It seems a bit unfair to give yourself all the blame.’
‘I knew what my life was going to be like, I should have seen that it wouldn’t be enough for Anna to live through me. I could have followed her back to London but I didn’t, because I felt it was my duty to give whatever I could back to Montarino. That’s what I have now, and I feel I’m failing.’
‘You’re not failing, Hugo. You’re just recovering from an operation.’
Hugo looked for the understanding he craved, and found it in her eyes. Suddenly it was too much to bear and he got to his feet. ‘Is that our chat done, then? I’ll go and make dinner...’
‘No, it’s not done. I’m not finished with you yet.’ She called the words after him, but there was humour in Nell’s tone. Maybe she knew that the burden of his duty was feeling a little heavy at the moment.
‘What are you going to do?’ He chuckled, turning on the tap to wash his hands. ‘Find me someone who doesn’t mind trailing around after me and playing princess?’
‘Are there women like that?’ Nell professed just the right amount of surprise, before turning her attention to the box of chocolates. He wanted to walk back into the sitting room and hug her, but right now it was probably better to keep his distance.
‘Plenty of them.’
‘That sounds a bit boring.’
And that was it, in a nutshell. A career woman, someone like Nell, would always want their own life, free of the constraints of his life. Women who wanted him just because he was a prince generally weren’t that interesting after the first couple of dates.
It was a catch-22 situation that held him in limbo. There was no way out that Hugo could see, and he suspected that Nell couldn’t either. If she could, she would have mentioned it.
* * *